Omorosa Mistaken for Michelle Obama, Fired from White House Staff

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WASHINGTON – After being mistaken for Michelle Obama for the 277th time since January, former Apprentice star Omorosa Manigault-Newman was asked to resign at the White House on Wednesday, December 13th. Though she kept insisting that she is a completely different black woman all together, members of the cabinet insisted she tender her resignation, indicating that it is just “too much work” to try to tell them apart. It was reported that she was dragged out of the White House kicking and screaming, “But I’m not Michelle!”

Indeed, Omorosa is NOT Michelle. Michelle Obama is a Princeton and Harvard graduate who became an accomplished lawyer before she resigned to become First Lady of the United States. Ms. Obama is currently enjoying time with her husband, away from the limelight. Conversely, Ms. Manigault-Newman got a bachelor’s degree in Broadcast journalism and then a communications master’s degree, and when she flunked out of her PhD program, she received a biblical studies certificate at a small seminary, which is similar to setting out to be a doctor, but settling on becoming a wizard.

Ms. Manigault-Newman’s major claim to fame before being hired to the Trump administration is that she was a reality TV star, often playing the “villain” role in her appearances. . Her supervisor, John F. Kelly, did take that into account as another factor in her termination. “Look, I get that we have to have at least ONE of them in the office for PC bullshit, but I don’t want to thug in here”, said Kelly. “Also, I keep thinking she’s Michelle Obama. It’s really confusing. I mean, she looks just like her!” After pointing out that none of the Obamas have even been in Washington in the last 11 months and no longer have clearance to be in the White House, he replied by saying in a whispered tone, “Yeah, but you know those people are very sneaky.” When asked if the reading name badges they are obligated to wear at all times would help allay confusion as to who is who, he scoffed, indicating that reading is frowned upon in the office. Kelly then started berating a black custodian who passed by, mistaking her for Michelle Obama.

Omorosa is hurt by this move, partially because of the dragging, and partially because of the mistaken identity. She angrily hissed, “I look NOTHING like her! And we don’t even have the same resume! She’s done so many good things for her community and African American women. I have done nothing but thrown women and black people under the bus for my personal gain my entire life! How dare they compare me to Michelle Obama!”

Ms. Manigault-Newman’s role was Director of Communications for the Office of Public Liaison and Director of African American Outreach, which is essentially Designated Token Negro Head of Black Stuff. She thought that her job would be more secure after actual white supremacists Steve Bannon and Sebastian Gorka left the White House Staff, or as John Kelly kept affectionately calling it, his “Ku Klux Kabinet”.

“We’ve got one out of here, but even though we got rid of Michelle, we still have Carlton, so no one will think we’re racist”, Kelly proudly announced. “He keeps getting stuck in elevators, so we never see him anyway, unless Fresh Prince is on in syndication.” It is believed that Gen. Kelly was referring to Dr. Benjamin Carson, and NOT Alphonso Ribeiro, the man who played the role of Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Carson is currently the Director of Housing and Urban Development, also affectionately known in the White House as the Office of OTHER Black Stuff. When asked if they planned to fill Omorosa Manigault-Newman’s role with another black person, We had to end the interview at that point, as he could not stop dry heaving and laughing.

 

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YOU KNOW DASHER AND DANCER,PRANCER AND VIXEN, BUT DO YOU RECALL, Olivia the reindeer accusing Santa of sexual harassment?

The North Pole- BREAKING NEWS. Olivia the reindeer has just stepped forward accusing Santa of sexual harassment allegations. Olivia has some shocking allegations, she is accusing santa of making some very shocking statements, such as “I would love to have steering the back of my sleigh”, needless to say the community is disgusted and shocked. We reached out to Santas worker elves for a comment, only one came forward, we have agreed to keep his anonymity so he can remain safe. This is what he has to say.

” Yeah, everyone has always known about it. You hear the whispers throughout the workshop. Santa has “Favorites”, rudolph doesn’t guide that sleigh because of his nose. I mean for fuck sakes, we’ve had fog lights for over thirty years, you think some freaks bright nose is going to make the difference in traveling at night? People will believe whatever they want to believe. I mean here is this eighty something year old man running a sweatshop of children “lookalikes”, climbing into people’s homes during the night and dropping off gifts for children? Get the fuck out. Also dont even get me started the entire “Naughty or Nice” list.”

UPDATE: It seems the scandal has become bigger, news from the north pole is Frosty the snowman is under investigation for asking children to move his carrot nose to his nether regions. 

Former Xerox Employee Takes Company Party’s “White Christmas” Theme the Wrong Way

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“That’s no tree” -Lakshmi

ROCHESTER – “There is no such thing as Confederate Claus, Frank!” That was the last thing Frank Smith heard as he was forcibly escorted out of his downtown workplace during the office holiday party. This all started when it was announced that the theme of the party would be “White Christmas”. Though the theme was a nod to the classic Irving Berlin song of the same name, Smith misinterpreted it as a call to show his true “colors”. Unfortunately, those colors were in the form of a green pointed hood.

“We should have known that there was going to be some trouble, but we did not imagine this”, HR director Susan Lance said to reporters. “When the email about the party and theme went out, his cubemates said he jumped up and yelled, ‘Finally!’, and then he leered ominously at our intern Lakshmi.” Lakshmi, for her part, had a different view of the whole incident. She was not surprised at Smith’s conduct at the party, as she saw it as in line with his conduct during business hours. He would regularly play radio shows from local friendly bigot Bob Lonsberry loudly at his desk for everyone to hear. He once bought doughnuts for the office, but put a sign in front of them that said, “For REAL Americans only”. During meetings, Smith would regularly interrupt Native Brooklynite Lakshmi when she spoke with taunts like, “God, speak English”, or, “Maybe that’s how they do it where YOU’RE from”.

The night of the party, Smith appeared to be already inebriated when he entered the re-purposed conference room. Colleagues said he reeked of Evan Williams, and he was wearing Christmas tree costume. Upon further examination, the “costume” consisted of a green pointy hood and shiny robe, and the garland said “all lives matter”. He was not a Christmas tree at all. He was a high ranking official in a white supremacist social club, and he was ready to party.

When Smith looked around and saw the usual diverse group, he demanded to know what “they” were doing there, given the theme of “White Christmas”. He violently lost his temper when he learned that Irving Berlin, the original writer/composer of “White Christmas”, was Jewish. At this point, security guards wrestled him to the ground and shuffled him away.

“Racial insensitivity is something we take very seriously, and we will not tolerated such a blatant display, no matter how festive he looks”, Director Lance declared. “I am glad we nipped this in the bud so that we can go back to ignoring sexual harassment reports.”

 

Five Holiday Tips for Keeping Your Grandma from Getting Run Over By a Reindeer

The holidays are here and that means it’s time for things like caroling, cookie decorating, giving and getting gifts and of course family. Both with that in mind, every year while out and about during the holidays, hundreds of thousands of grandmas are run over by Reindeer.  Something about the scent of gingerbread and egg nog drives the reindeer insane and stirs them into a grandma attacking frenzy.  So for the safety of your grandmas, here is a list of five helpful holiday tips for keeping your grandma from getting run over by a reindeer.

1.) Help them Cross the Street: I know it’s cliché but now more than ever is the time to bring out your inner Eagle (or Eaglette) Scout and help guide these golden girls from one corner to the next.  It never hurts to have an extra set of eyes when a ravenous reindeer comes charging out of nowhere.

2.) Use a Child Leash: It may seem unconventional but when it comes to saving the life of your beloved grandma, desperate measures must be taken.  Most grandmas tend to wander and that’s nothing a little tug on the leash can’t fix.  You may be thinking that the old child leash you used to use for your kid won’t fit your grandma but in almost every case, grandmas tend to shrink back to their original sizes in their old age and it should fit perfectly.

3.) Get Her a Life Alert: This tip might not help save your grandma from a vicious, holiday season fueled reindeer attack, but it may save her life.  We’ve all seen the commercials. The phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” can’t be said without thinking of the trusted emergency alert system.  Soon you’ll hear grandmas all over shouting “I’ve been brutally gored by a reindeer and my spleen is ruptured!”

4.) Tell Her a You Saw a Middle Eastern Family in the Neighborhood: Let’s face it; grandmas these days grew up in a different time where ignorance was bliss. Many of them have a lingering distaste for anyone appearing to be different from them without any sort of reasonable explanation. Keep your grandma safe with this little white lie about seeing a Middle Eastern Family (or any minority for that matter) in the area and your grandma will be too busy peeking out her blinds with her binoculars to go outside and get mowed down by a reindeer.

5.) Put Her in a Home: This final tip for the holidays is a sure fire way to keep grandma safe and sound for however many years to come she has left (hopefully not too many, these places are expensive!). Park your grandma in a home with all the other grandmas and she’ll be protected by the watchful eye of an underqualified assisted living center employee. She can watch Golden Girls reruns, send you a check for $5 every year on your birthday and tell you the story of how she once met The Rat Pack again when you visit her twice a year.

5 Signs Your Stuck Behind That Fucking Pedal Pub Tour Thing Again

Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That fucking pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again

  1. The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
  2. The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
  3. That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
  4. Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a fucking half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
  5. You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. Fuck your life.

Winter Porn Warning Issued to Rochester Roomates

After hearing that Monroe County was issued a Winter Storm Warning that will last until Wednesday night, Rochester’s worst roommates gave out a warning of their own: They’ll be on PornHub until the storm passes. DON’T COME IN MY ROOM.

They plan on taking a few breaks to stretch and get some electrolytes but don’t plan to stream anything in HD over the next few days because they’ll be using up the Wi-Fi on watching porn shot in warmer climates.

Bill’s to Leave Frozen Fans in The Stands for The Rest of the Season

Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills came away with an exciting 13-7 win on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts.  The Bills toughed out some of the harshest weather the NFL has seen all year during the game, in which almost 18 inches of snow falling on New Era Field throughout the contest.

Despite the weather, thousands of Western New Yorkers showed their pride and turned out for the blustery ball game to cheer on their beloved Buffalo Bills. Although temperatures reached below freezing during the game, the thick layers provided by warm pierogis, copious amounts of alcohol and 90’s Bill’s Starter Jackets seemed to be enough to keep the fans going. Until the end of the game, after the field had cleared and the stadium’s facility management crew took to the stands to clean up. The crew was shocked to find hundreds of frozen corpses of Buffalo’s diehard fan base.

“We were kind of surprised when we got working on snow removal to find people still at the game,” said one crew member.  “After we shouted in their faces a bit and poked a couple with our shovels, it was pretty clear that these fans were dead.”

With only one home game left in the season and a chance at the playoffs looking bleak, the Bill’s front office has been faced with an issue of selling tickets and packing the stands.  After news of the bodies being found in the stands came out, team owners Terry and Kim Pegula couldn’t have been more ecstatic and have decided to leave the human popsicles in their final resting places for one more game.

“It’s what they would have wanted,” said Kim Pegula, “besides, these people are dead. So fuck it, who cares?” Now faced with the final home game of the season next week Terry Pegula says “now is not the time to pass on good business opportunities.”

“We’ve already got a quarter of the stands filled for a game I couldn’t even pay people to go to. We’ll just bill the families of the frozen deceased for the tickets later.”

The Bill’s front office is happy to have such a dedicated fan base.  With the support of the blue collar, and now blue faced, fans from the Rustbelt mean everything. A source close to the front office was available for comment saying, “We can only hope that one day the fans that froze to death on December 10th 2017 can be thawed out and reanimated so they can one day cheer on the Buffalo Bills again. Maybe we’ll even have had a playoff birth for them to wake up to.”