Rochester, NY – This past week, British graffiti artist known as “Banksy” debuted new artwork, which is being described as “visual poetry,” alongside the traffic wall on 490 eastbound heading into the city. Townsfolk, city officials, and even local law enforcement are amazed by the heartwarming message and spray quality. Despite the rejoicing, local graffiti artists are petitioning to have the art be removed post haste.
I have spent my whole life here in Rochester putting up my sub-par mushroom art. We don’t need someone like that coming in spraying up our turf.
Fran Larceny [Hair Stylist-Alchemist]
I don’t know who this dude thinks he is but he doesn’t have the right to come to my Flower City and put up his bullshit. I’ve worked too long and hard to let this city know I don’t drink or do drugs.
Straight-edge Sledge Peterson [Guitar pedal repairman]
Banksy was in town for an annual graffiti conference at the Rochester Riverside Convention Center that took place over this past weekend. Many artists were outside the center protesting and the situation has gotten so serious that protesters are suggesting Mr. Banksy be extradited immediately.
Strumpet boy better make his way back to the UK. Letting the world know that Eric is gay and Christina is a whore is the only message that needs to be displayed here.
Rian Bruwski [recently single Rochester native]
Despite the limited criticism of the magnanimous mural, random acts of kindness have been reported all throughout the city within days after the art debuted. Many city residents believe the mural is opening eyes to current inequalities and causing a contagious human harmony, similar to the music of the fictional band Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989).
I don’t really see what’s so special about it. It’s just a boring picture, in my opinion. I mean I could be biased, I believe in showcasing strange lines and shapes that are supposed to be interpreted as letters. Like cursive but worse and more useless.
The protesters currently are still occupying the general area of the convention and have refused to move until the mural is pressure washed from existence. Local businesses are becoming concerned with the pungent body odor in the air and the tiny shanties beginning to emerge.
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Chuck Schumer, long time Senator of New York state known mostly for his copy and paste speeches at college graduation ceremonies, decided to go after the online ticket scalping industry and protect ticket buyers from cyber hackers, which has drawn the ire of locals who demand he focus on bigger issues like every other issue facing the state of New York.
“Of all the problems facing this country, and I mean every single one from the national debt, treatment of our veterans, jobs going overseas, and my wife leaving me, and this guy chooses to focus on something that doesn’t affect me personally? Thanks for nothing Senator Narcissist!” said Mark Bardino, a local who also enjoys getting mad at television shows he doesn’t have to watch in his free time.
“When hopeful concertgoers went online the day tickets were made available, they were told they needed a little more than a hungry heart to get tickets,” Schumer said Monday as he continued to ignore the growing poverty level in this country as well as not even once mentioning the attacks in Brussels and how he would stop ISIS.
It was a regular day for Jack Denning, father and former lead singer in Rochester 80s punk band ‘The CaddiDaddis.’ He was tuning up is signature 1985 Fender Telecaster when he found a joint in his the case and decided to break his near 31 year T-break.
After much consideration, Jack tried to connect with his son by playing his favorite Bleachers album, ‘Strange Desire’.
“I just didn’t understand why people cared about all of his bands” Jack said referring to Antinoffs prominent musical pedigree. “They’re catchy and all, but that autotune stuff and over producing was a real draw back for me.”
Eleven minutes into Jacks ‘Bleachers and chill’ sesh,
‘I Wanna Get Better’ comes on the vinyl machine; and something magical happens.
“I had never thought to listen to them high before,” he said. “After the song ended I looked at my song in tears and said ‘You know what Travis,I totally get it now. I WANT to get better’.”
ROCHESTER, NY – Jared Pelkey sits at the bar of the Scotch House Pub and thoughtfully sips the remainder of his fourth Genesee beer. Jared has found himself here before, at this seemingly impossible decision. Two paths lie before him. On the one hand, Jared could order another Genny, his fifth, and continue to nurse his buzz. On the other, he could go start a fight with that guy that bumped into him by the jukebox earlier in the night.
We talked to Jared to see how he was handling the decision.
“It’s tough, ya know? Cuz like, this Genny’s about kicked and I sure do want another one, but that guy over by the jukebox was a total a-hole to me earlier,” Jared grits his teeth as he looks over at the man by the jukebox, a muscular man, large in stature. Even with Jared sitting, it is apparent his would-by foe is has quite an advantage of size. Also notable are they five or six men talking with him also notably larger than Jared. Jared does not seemed phased by the circumstances. “The bartender’s a buddy of mine, and I know he will have my back,” he says. The bartender, a man shorter and less muscular than even Jared hears this and shakes his head
“It’s a matter of principle, ya know? You don’t just bump into a guy like that and not say sorry. It is disrespectful on an unforgivable level,” Jared tips his Genny can fully vertical, taking in the last drops of the watery beer. Jared knows this is the moment of truth. It is now or never.
The man at the jukebox is now walking over to the bar. He comes to a stop, leaning on the counter directly next to Jared. Jared looks down at his empty can and up at the very tall, very physically capable target of his anger. He balls his fists and pushes his bar stool back, standing.
“Hey Paul, can I get another one when you get a second, “ Jared yells to the bartender before sitting back down.
Rochester, NY- It’s 6:30 Am and the room is completely quiet. Lindsey Salinger paves the way for the beginning of yoga class, The sound of silence fills the air, “Namaste, peace be unto you. You are a tree floating in the ocean, completely still and one with the world and one with yourself. “The class is full of the young and old hoping to forget their daily struggles and just connect with the inner zen or whatever shit they believe.” Lindsey says.
Lindsey has been making a living as a yoga instructor for 8 years and she is shocked at how successful its become. “I was just hanging out at Cobbs hill doing some stretches before a run and these ladies approached me and asked me if I was doing yoga and I just said yes! It kind of just went from there, I looked up some YouTube videos and every time I kept going to Cobbs hill, more people kept showing up and following me, especially men!”
“I went from humble beginnings in a park to owning my very own studio!, these people will literally buy anything I say because I’m fit and post pictures on Instagram of me posing in front of some hollowed out birch tree or some shit, while talking about kombucha or something.”
When we asked her if she has any other dreams or ambitions she would like to pursue in the future, she responded with ” I really think I would like to get into mechanical engineering, I mean honestly I feel like I can pretty much do whatever the fuck I want now, I have people paying me a $1,000 per yoga session and now I hear something called Rei Kei is becoming big? You literally just stand over someone and wave your hands over their body and say some Indian shit or whatever. The world is my fucking oyster.”
Lindsey then jumped into her pool full of 100 dollar bills and sank to the bottom, in a sight that can only be described as pure bliss.
So you’re voting for Syracuse Orange mascot doppelganger Donald Trump, good for you! I personally disagree with your very bad decision but let’s talk about why you came to this incredibly awful conclusion.
You have never taken responsibility for anything you’ve done wrong in your entire life! – What could you, protagonist of the universe, have possibly done to cause yourself any problems? Clearly you ended up in multiple failed marriages because food stamp recipients are using their funds on lobster and crack cocaine.
- Your dominant personality trait is being a racist – Whether it be comparing the president to a primate or using the term “towelhead” on a regular basis, you’re always prepared to make a group of people uncomfortable with your strong disdain for anyone who does not share your skin color. Friends know you as “that racist piece of shit who isn’t my friend.”
- You own a small dog – Trump has small hands, his fans love small dogs. Small dogs are often angry for no reason and their high pitched barking is similar to the noises heard at Trump rallies.
- You’re doing it as a joke – Ah it’s you, mister irony! Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we elected the guy capable of turning our country into a third world hell hole? Oh my god what funny satire! Voting for a hateful bigot with no plan and a boner for building walls is Louis CK levels of comedic gold there buddy!
- Someone offered you sex in exchange for a Trump vote – Listen I get it, you were horny and Tinder hasn’t been working out for you. You got weak. You called 1-800-FUCK-4-TRUMP. It’s up to you to make better decisions in 2020, if there is a 2020 after Donald triggers a nuclear apocalypse by calling Putin’s wife a fugly skank.
- You’ve been transferred here from an alternate reality where Donald Trump is a well spoken philanthropist whose fundraisers have raised millions to find cures for all major diseases – It must be very confusing to see the man you so revered being such an asshole. How can the guy who saved 1000 abused animals from being euthanized be such a monster? I don’t know, I would invest more time in finding a way back with Doc Brown.
- You’re Donald Trump – Why are you running? Ha ha okay you win we’re a bunch of dumbasses and we let the joke go too far. Please stop, we’re scared and we just want to be let out of the haunted house that is this election season. Please. Leave America alon