5 Signs your Drug Dealer is Still in High School

Rochester, NY- We’re adults here. There is no need to be rude, to pass judgement, or to be anxious. You just gotta walk up to his 95′ Subaru Outback, knock on the window and give him this fistful of hamilton’s that have been burning a hole in your pocket for a week. It’s gonna help you relax, and your other dealer told you this guy was good until he re-ups.

Alright. Knock on the window. Hand him the sweaty money. Get bag. Hold on…Something isn’t right here…

  1. This is definitely Oregano in a bag- Like, Im 26, I can tell what is weed and what is oregano. This is fucking oregano. Who the fuck thinks they can get away with selling oregano?
  2. You definitely sold oregano when you were in high school- Everyone knew that one kid who would buy anything if you told him it would get him high. Johnny sold him some laundry lint and told him it was PCP, kid came in the next day saying he tripped for a week, everyone laughed; good joke on an idiot. But it takes balls to sell a sandwich bag of not-weed to an older guy.
  3. Shit, is it rude to check it in front of him?- I mean, he definitely wouldn’t sell to you again if you do that, and you have another week or so before you other guy  re-ups. Damn, I’m in a tight spot.
  4. Wait, what movie is that from?- Shit, its that Coen Brothers movie…which one was it. It had George Clooney and…John Turturro? Why the fuck can I remember him but not the name of the fuckin…it was like depression era? Oh! OH!
  5. “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”!- Ah Man! I love that movie! aww, I definitely got to get real weed and watch that movie again. Wait where did he go?

Fucking shit. Well, serves me right for buying 6 separate dime bags of weed on a Thursday afternoon in a high-school parking lot. Fucking teens.

Im gonna go huff spray paint in my garage and watch A Bugs Life, fuck it.

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Man With Sun In His Eye Can’t Decide To Flip Visor Down Or Just Deal With It

Rochester, NY- Ted Hannibal has had a long day at work and he just wants to get home. The drive down 490 east generally isn’t too bad, but today he barely made the ride home alive. We sat down with Ted to get the whole story. Here is our full interview.

Inner Loop: Hello Ted.

Ted: Hello….What’s your name?

Inner Loop: We are known as one. You may call us legion.

Ted: Okay…Well, like I was saying earlier, as I was driving home, the sun started beaming directly into my eyes, it was really frustrating, but I couldn’t decide if I should flip my visor down or just deal with it like a man. I mean have you ever driven with the sun in your eyes?  It’s impossible?

Inner Loop: We have driven with the sun in our eyes, we also driven into the sun at a speed that no man will ever be able to understand, even god in his infinite wisdom baffles in the background as we speed past his throne.

Ted: Oh, okay. Well I decided to flip my visor down, I felt like it would be the safe move to make, so I wouldn’t be any other drivers on the road in danger. I had an uncle of mine die from a bee flying into his glasses while he was driving, its scary what can happen in a moment.

Inner Loop:  We know all too well of the moments you humans take for granted, your life is nothing but a speck in the infinite ocean of time and you take so much for granted, maybe one day your eyes will be opened to the spiritual realm, but until then the mask of blindness will cover your eyes.

Ted: Is this interview over? I’m getting kind of weirded out, I don’t really think this story is that interesting, to be honest I was surprised you even considered interviewing me. So, I think I’m going to get going now.

LEGION: You are not going anywhere Ted. We have seen your sins and we have judged you.

Ted: What the hell are you talking about?

LEGION: WE HAVE WATCHED YOU SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME TED, YOU HAVE CAUSED MUCH SUFFERING TO OTHERS, BUT THAT IS NOW COMING TO AN END. WE ARE YOUR JUDGE. WE ARE YOUR JURY. WE ARE YOUR EXECUTIONER.

Ted: Get away from me!!! HELP!!

*Editors Note*

Ted made it safely out of this interview and had a nice human dinner with his nice human family and apologized for all of his sins.

 

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, 72, found alive in his Connecticut home

Weston, Ct.– At his private Connecticut estate today, Keith Richards, the acclaimed Rolling Stones guitarist, was discovered still alive, somehow, at the age of 72. Patrick Sanger, a groundskeeper at the estate and long time friend of Richards, reported he found him early Tuesday morning jovially humming the tune to “Paint It Black” as he heated a crushed up Lipitor tablet in a teaspoon with a lighter.

The guitarist and songwriter had, by all accounts, remained in good health over the past year of touring with The Rolling Stones, despite having spent most of his life taking enough illicit chemicals on a daily basis to kill Charlie Sheen several times over. These days, of course, the aging rocker limits himself to taking medication for the arthritis caused by years of guitar playing and constantly having to endorse royalty checks every time Martin Scorsese puts “Gimme Shelter” in another movie.

In a year marked by the passing of such musical icons as David Bowie, Lou Reed, and Prince, many in the industry were shocked to learn of Richards’ survival.

“You just keep hearing about all these legends being lost before their time,” said Ric Ocasek, long time frontman of The Cars, in a telephone interview. “Keith, man,” he continued, “I could’ve sworn it was a few years ago I was spinning my ‘Let It Bleed’ LP in his honor. Or was that… Let me get back to you, I need to go Google the names of everyone I knew in Aerosmith and Cheap Trick.”

Fans of Keith Richards, for now, can anticipate plenty more to come from the man and his band, as The Rolling Stones have just announced the release of a $3,000 box set of albums you already own, and have announced tour dates for 2341 at the first permanent manned settlement on the moon.

5 Reasons I Became An Atheist

 

  1. The Communion wafers were stale.

I don’t consider myself high class or anything, but is it too much to ask for a little crunch?

  1. I have introduced myself to Mr. Jenkins at least fifteen times by now.

After about the seventh time, I really started to question my faith. I know Mr. Jenkins is old, but I see him every week. Come on.

  1. The wafers are stale, like really stale.

Look, I’m not expecting a five-class restaurant. It’s just, I know the Church has zip-loc bags in the kitchen, are they not using them?

  1. The Universe is a spinning void of complete nothingness that lacks any semblance of order, there is no fathomable way we are created or ruled by an Omnipotent entity.

Honestly, this was just a little thing on top of the wafer issue.

  1. The wafers were stale.

How can there be a God if the metaphorical representation of his supposed son are so gross and chewy?

 

 

Guy Playing Super Smash Bros. Has No Fucking Clue Whats Going On

Rochester,NY-  The room is filled with empty bottles of Genesee beer, the aroma of Doritos and Mountain Dew fill the air. Tonight in the house of David Scheer it’s Super Smash Bros. night.

A night that should be filled with joy and possibly anger and tension is now joined by confusion as well. Meet Aaron Thompson, he has only played Smash Bros. a handful of times, so he thought maybe he wouldn’t be as terrible as expected. The problem that arose with Aaron was not that he sucked, it was that he was completely fucking clueless as to what was going on. We spoke with Aaron to get the full story.

“I mean honestly, who was this game designed for? All the characters are the size of a thumb tack and there are so many things happening on the screen at once.  It’s as if someone just vomited an entire of pack of gummy bears on top of these shitty Nintendo mascots.”

We spoke with some of the others playing to see if they felt the same way.  Travis Holtz had this to say:

“I think I picked Luigi, but at this point I’m almost certain that I picked pink Donkey Kong…or wait, maybe I’m that time and watch thing? Or maybe I’m Captain Falcon? Jesus Christ this is impossible, I’m just going to get drunk and keep smashing the B button.”

As the night continued, the arguing went on.  We heard such things as:

“You can’t just pick him every single time, its cheap.”

“Can we seriously turn items off.”

“IF I FALL OFF THE STAGE ONE MORE FUCKING TIME.”

“Pass the joint, you asshole, I need to calm my nerves.”

The other quotes we heard, we are not at liberty to say, due to the vulgarity and stupidity. As the night ended, the boys agreed, they had no idea what they actually did, But they had a lot of fun doing it.

 

Artist Formerly Alive as Prince Reportedly ‘Killing It’ in Afterlife

Comedian ‘Prince’ has brought his audience to hysterics once again by being proclaimed unresponsive in an elevator in his Paisley Park Compound earlier this week. This is likely to be the entertainers last performance, as it is difficult to regain consciousness after our stupid human bodies are pronounced dead for longer than 24 hours.

Our Resident Chief Director of Seance Communications and K-cup ordering for the office Michelle Brockaur managed to have a tea interview with the recently deceased.

“I’m loving it up here baby,” said Ghost Prince. “Other spirits keep confusing me for Rick James, but there’s no hard feeling”. He would go on to talk about his plans for the coming eternity in the afterlife. “Yeah baby, Me and James Brown got this idea of going on tour up here. From the River Styx to Saint Peters Door, we got connections and hook ups to have some of the greatest shows this dimension has ever known”.

During the interview, Ghost Michael Jackson kept humming and moaning while doing a moonwalk behind Prince. While he was not entertained, Ms. Brockaur went on record to say it was the second best seance she had ever. “Second only to Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams ad libbing the ending to Donnie Darko”.

The musical genius was 57 when he passed. He will be forever missed.

Sheltered White Girl Not Sure If Black Guys Are Yelling Or Just Talking To Eachother

Rochester, NY-  Alice Genter is no stranger to the hustle and bustle of the city, she knew when she moved here, that she would be in for a good amount of culture shock. We spoke with Alice on how she think’s shes adjusting to the city life so far.

“I’ve really been enjoying Rochester, there are so many different sites to see and a lot of really cool local eateries! It’s so much better than going to the same bar over and over again underneath that bowling alley where my ex-boyfriend and I went to second base.”

There is always a dark side to the big city, Alice informed us on a  problem that has been haunting her.

” I always get really nervous when I’m walking near these two black guys who live near my apartment building! I can honestly never tell if there having a friendly conversation or they’re about to engage in some sort of hostile activities! It’s very unsettling!”

When we asked Alice if she had ever thought about approaching those gentlemen and simply getting to know them, she replied “Oh god no! I’m way too casually racist and timid to ever approach them and get to know them on a deeper level as opposed to stereotype them!”

At the point during the interview, two black men drove by us, Alice proceeded to scream “Thugs” and ran into her apartment building on park avenue.

*Editors Note*

We have information that Alice’s husband is a police officer who is currently under investigation for the shooting of two unarmed minorities, which he has stated “They were totally asking for it by looking too ethnic.”