All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

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5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. Fucking thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

Why Do The Owner’s Of 3HB Only Have One Head?

Rochester, NY-  With the opening of their brewery soon, a lot of questions are being asked about the Three Heads Brewing. What kind of questions you ask? Well some are asking things like “When will they open up?”, “Will they have beer there?” While these are all standard questions, here at The Inner Loop, we only have one question. Why do the owners of Three Heads Brewing only have one head when they claim to have three? After years of investigation and taking acid trips in the woods, we finally have the answer.

As we all know 3HB is one of the best beers to make its way into the Rochester scene, so good that we simply cannot believe that only one mortal human with one mortal head could have created it! Yet, that’s what they claim. The owners, Dan Nothnagle, Todd Dirrigl, Brian Johnson and Geoff Dale are all just simple humans with one head. Not the three-headed interdimensional god that shoots acid from its eyes and can change time with a single snap of his fingers. That is the kind of owner of 3HB we imagined.

As we all cut our hands in unison and took the special mushrooms in the highland park last thursday, we made a vow that we would not leave until we had the answer to the age-old questions of 3HB. As I was wandering through the woods, a tiny fairy spoke to me through my inner eye and told me the truth, what a glorious truth that was my friends! He lifted me high into the heavens and we sat on the backs of grizzly bears and floated down the rivers of pale ales and IPAS, we drank to our hearts delight and sang the songs of his people! It was there he told me why the owners of 3HB only have one mortal head. The answer was so simple. He said….

*Editors Note*

The writers at this point started vomiting excessive amounts of blood from every orifice on his body, he fell into a nearby lake and was presumed to be eaten by the beavers that live down there.

Dont do drugs kids. Just drink some Three Heads Beer.

Lifestyles: How 4 Sleepless Nights and Crippling Depression Helped Me Project Positivity Towards My Body Image

Nobody can accurately prepare you for life. All of the twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts and rights, car crashes that leave you addicted to opioids, and various diagonals. But it isn’t all terrible, in fact, some of the best parts of life can sneak up on you at your absolute lowest.

Now lets set some hypotheticals: Lets say you might have insomnia. You might not have slept for more than 6 hours in the past week, causing the very fabric of your existence to have a fish-eye-lens outline to it. Hypothetically of course.

Secondly, lets say that maybe your only way to get to and from the dream job you got a month ago had it’s break lines cut by the guy you thought was just a little too “red flag” clingy after you two had been hooking up after meeting off of Grindr. And lets say that that caused you to have some trouble getting to work, in the sense that careening through a red light and t-boning someone causing the front of the car to replace where your lap was can prevent you from getting to your job. And lets say that the person you t-boned had waaaaaayyy better lawyers than you, resulting not only in a damages lawsuit but in your insurance premium sky-rocketing, all of that on top of the surgery and physical therapy costs. Again, all of this is hypothetical.

As, possibly, a personal physical fitness trainer who’s legs are now kind of inside out, you are probably a little lacking in the confidence department. Hospital bills and painkiller labels are the only two things you can really stand reading anymore, and pudding cups prove easier to prepare than protein and vitamin rich home cooked meals.

But you know what? All things considered, you still look pretty good! The only workout you got in the past 2 weeks might have just been crying until you dry heave, but Gosh darnit, you are still just as good looking as ever, hell, even better!

In a twist that is as karmic as it is ironic, you now have a very real appreciation for all of the people you’ve been, again hypothetically, helping workout and reach their ideal body image. But really, this isn’t so bad! I’m- …You’re not stressing out about calorie intake, needing to run 5 miles a day, and you certainly aren’t judging people at the store for how they look anymore.

So don’t worry! It might be the Percocet you just popped, but life is looking pretty okay, and so are you!

Also, change your phone number. Grindr guy keeps trying to text mean jokes about brake lines being cut. Its less that it’s creepy, and more that he just cant get any of the jokes to land quite right.

Murals Come to Life as Wage Gap becomes Irrelevant

Rochester, NY – Nearly 15 years ago Rochester’s resident witch doctor, Nuala Abuntu, came out of her decrepit tomb beneath the abandon subway track and screamed her visions of lattes, late model Toyota Corollas, and giants with bowler caps and handlebar moustaches.

“It will start with the farmers markets,” Nuala said, in early 2002. “Then the land will be sold and renovation will befall the city. Thousands will leave and thousands more will come. Hipsters will look upon our pain as art and our murals will come alive to greet them.”

Well after years of gentrification, the witch doctors prophecy has finally come true. So far, sixteen murals from Park Ave to Gregory Street have come to life and started asking passers by where the best ‘fro-yo’ is in Rochester. We all know it’s Yotallity, but just to be safe we’ve all agreed to only tell them about Hoopla. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a technicoloured Bob Marley coming in and eating all the peanut M&Ms and jimmies.

It is estimated that by this time next week all of the murals in downtown will have gained their sentience and fine motor skills. It is also projected that all job applications to Pour Coffee and Joe Bean will be placed on hold until the walls are raised at least 6 feet.

WNBA LA Sparks sign cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan to 12 year contract.

In a move that sent shock waves throughout the loyal community dozens of WNBA fans, the Sparks (which is rumored some kind of women’s basketball team in Los Angeles) finalized a 12 year, $1,372  contract with a 20-year-old promotional cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan from Space Jam.

“I was at the local Goodwill looking through the jackets for old change, ya know sometimes people donate them without even checking the pockets.” said LA Sparks CEO Paula Madison as she huddle around a raging trash can fire she and the rest of the team owners had created in the alley behind the STAPLES center.

“All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw the cutout. We just lost our Starting Guard because she got a job offer from the local Denny’s, so the timing was just right for us to make a move.”

The signing comes hot on the heels of the controversial move made by the New York Liberty to end their contract with their former Point guard, a literal can of tuna fish, in order to sign a 6 year contract with that one rat who was video taped carrying around a piece of pizza in the subway.

“Alot of exciting things are happening in the WNBA!” said the leagues president Lisa Borders, as she fashioned a noose out of an old telephone wire.

 

Guy Who Post Game Of Thrones Spoiler Dies In Sudden Plot Twist

Rochester, NY- Jason Lyles ran to his laptop at exactly 10:01 pm to do what he does every Sunday after game of thrones airs. He post the most recent spoiler of the episode to set the internet on fire with a rage of a thousand nerds screaming and cussing him out via Facebook messenger. As Jason walked away from his laptop a man jumped out of his closet and swung an axe into his skull. Because fuck that guy.

He’s a dick.