5 Signs The Jazz Festival Is Actually A Mass Suicide Event

Rochester, NY- Every year the jazz festival comes upon Rochester like a hurricane on Florida…during hurricane season or whatever. The jazz festival walks into our lives like a bitchy ex-girlfriend who says “Were over”, but then gets drunk and keeps texting you every night and fucking with your emotions like some giant teddy bear who just says “Yeah, sure come over, my heart ISN’T RIPPED INTO NOTHING!” Moving on, I think the jazz festival is a giant cover up, are people really there to enjoy the sweet sounds of jazz? Or are they there to commit a giant mass suicide to be joined with the lord of light!

1) They want to hear jazz music–  Okay, this is a giant sign that this is a mass suicide. I mean who in their right mind actually takes time out of their day to listen to jazz music? Jazz music was specifically created for suicide or something like that. Isnt jazz music just people complaining about their lives while blowing into some sort of pipe instrument?

2) Old people are everywhere– Nothing is more a dead giveaway to a giant mass suicide then old people gathering together. I mean every morning at McDonald’s I see old people everywhere and you know what I see the next day on the news? You guessed it, an old people mass suicide! Old people pretty much don’t have anything else to live for besides the sweet sounds of death.

3) The ghost of Louis Armstrong is there– I’m not really a spiritual guy, but I have to admit it’s pretty cool to see the ghost of Louis Armstrong doing something, I mean he’s totally wandering around screaming non-sense about the afterlife and how he needs to swallow the souls of the unworthy or whatever bullshit.

4) My ex-girlfriend loves jazz– If this reason isn’t more obvious that people who listen to jazz music are self-destructive than I don’t know what is. I mean we could have had a great relationship, we could have been something great! But no! That bitch had to ruin everything! I WISH SHE WOULD OF LISTENED AND JUST TRIED TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP!

5) The hot dog vendor ran out of food– Boom. That’s the final nail in the coffin if you ask me, I mean I’ve personally never thought about suicide, but when I’m a little bit tipsy off of some sangria a man in a top hat offered me and then I can’t even get a good hotdog anywhere. Yeah, I’ll take a knife to my throat along fifty other complete strangers.

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5 Lessons in Love I Learned From Jurassic Park

Advice on romance can come from strange places. Often its from a close family member, or a well traveled peer. Love is difficult, and full of twists and turns that you can never really learn until you are in the moment. But other times advice come out of goddamn left field with a switchblade and a lazy eye. This is advice you will heed for the rest of your life, especially because you are pretty sure this advice knows where you live and fed glass to your dog.

After re-watching Spielberg’s timeless film, Jurassic Park, I was blindsided by enlightenment. True, this is a highly praised film about dinosaurs and the hubris of man, and true, I may have drank most of a handle of Tullamore Dew and dropped a couple blotters of high grade acid, but when you peel back the layers you can really see the true message behind it: True Love.

1: Every relationship has a light side that helps mend the dark.

We see an immediate juxtaposition between John Hammond (the philanthropic child at heart who hopes to delight the world) and Ian Malcolm (the cynical bad boy who beleives in the chaos of the world), two central characters in the story. Hammond is always in white, the twilight period of the relationship, while Malcolm is always in black. After Malcolm is injured distracting a Tyrannosaurus, Hammond stays with him to help him heal. This shows that, although adverse circumstances can test and try the lighter side, it will always be there to help mend whatever problems each member of a relationship may have.

2: The Velociraptors are step-dads

 

Every relationship has enemies, and my step dad is the one who ruined my last one. He may not be the biggest threat, he’s no Tyrannosaur, but he is crafty, quick, and very predatory. In order to overcome this obstacle, you kinda just need to run away from it, hide in the kitchen, and lock him in the freezer.

3: Laura Dern will always do what is best for the both of you

 

She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She dug up the bones of friendship and intimacy, and then flew to the island of ancient dreams to live the adventure of love. She will always love you, whether its restarting the power grid or helping attend to the wounded Dr. Malcolm. She is perfection.

4: Fucking Dennis is probably erectile dysfunction because he is a boner holocaust

 

UGGGGHHHHHHH. DENNIS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO FUCK UP EVERYTHING. YOU DID EVERYTHING NOBODY WOULD EVER DO. UGGGGHHHHH.

5: The T-Rex represents healthy communication

Yes, John Hammond may have put up the fence as a way of keeping the T-Rex from killing everyone, and it did kill a bunch of people, but heres what else it did: Never attacked John Hammond (The good in every relationship) it injured Malcolm (The bad in every relationship), it took down the largest barrier in the park (showing that, like conversation and openness, it is strong enough to break the walls we put up betweeen each other), and it killed that lawyer, who also looks like my step dad. So always a plus.

Its how we perceive the art that makes it truly speak to us. Every body we talk to will need to overcome a veloci-dad at some point, and lawyers, and fucking shit-butt Dennis. Love is out there, just like dinosaurs. It might be the acid hitting me extra hard, or the full bottle of whiskey, but I love all of you, every day.

 

Joe Bean Employee Worries He’s Not Pretentious Enough

Rochester, NY – Joe Bean Bar and Roastery is known for its high-end coffee and alcohol and its distinguished atmosphere. Joe Bean prides itself on not just serving its customers great beverages, but doing so as condescendingly as possible. Many patrons will say a Joe Bean experience is not complete if you don’t walk away feeling inferior and pedestrian.

The tattooed, often mustachioed employees of Joe Bean are the face of the company, and thus are chiefly responsible for presenting said air of ostentation. We met up with one employee, Ezra Bourdain, to learn about the pressures of keeping up such a contrived facade.

“It’s really quite tough to act this superior all the time,” Bourdain laments, “every customer that comes in is another poor soul I need to enlighten. It’s a heavy burden, man.”  

We asked Bourdain his process for interacting with a first-time customer.  “I usually like to approach them in an non-threatening way, whether it’s adjusting one of my three scarves, or clasping my hands together and shaking them slightly, as if I were a youth pastor,” Bourdain explains as he sits across from this reporter somehow crossing both legs.

“Then, I’ll ask if this is their first time at the shop, being sure to not refer to it by it’s full name. Priority number one is always instilling a false sense of importance about what they are about to experience. The customer needs to understand that they will not just be tasting coffee, but that they will be tasting locally roasted, overpriced coffee. It really helps justify the fifteen minutes it takes us to prepare their beverage.”

As we discuss Bourdain’s role as a barista, we sample a flight of Latin American small-batch coffees. Bourdain reminding this reporter every couple of minutes to ‘sip lightly, as if it is a first kiss’ and to ‘let the aroma envelop you, let it carry you to bliss.’  

Bourdain went on to explain several insecurities he harbors working at Joe Bean. “Yeah friend, I’ve been kept up at night a few times. It weighs on you, being an ambassador to the higher pleasures. I worry sometimes I’m not arrogant or pretentious enough. For example, the other day a customer asked if they could get cream in their coffee and I didn’t even scoff or belittle them. I just politely told them that adding cream to coffee is like watching a Goddard film with subtitles. It’s experiences like those that cause my worry,” Bourdain sipped his ristretto shot in an oddly ashamed manner.

“It’s bleeding outside of work too. The other day, I didn’t even correct an acquaintance when they mispronounced my favorite Russian play. I just let it slide. I let it slide man,” At this, Bourdain became visibly shaken.

When asked if he had any closing thoughts, Bourdain said, “Oh for sure, my band ‘Dew Fell Upon Her Back’ is playing the Bug Jar at the end of July. We are a four piece new wave jazz punk ensemble. Also, you can order a vinyl of our EP on our Etsy account.”

Time Warner To Change Hold Time From Four hours To Six!

Rochester, NY- The cable giant which is basically a monopoly, sorry! I meant business! Are making a huge announcement which has stunned thousands of customers! Earlier today the CEO of Time Warner, Robert D. Marcus came out and said this.

“The days of waiting on the phone for four hours to speak to a customer service representative are over! We are announcing today that you will now have to wait six hours to speak to someone instead of the usual four! We know what people think about Time Warner and we plan to change that! I will come out and say on the record that this rumor spreading around that the people who work at Time Warner have homes where our staircases are made of cash and eat from plates made of diamond and tears of our customers! These are absurd statements, we would eat from plates made of moon rocks, not diamonds!”

It seems that the response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive from customers,  we spoke with local resident John Anders to just get a sense of how this is going to affect the community.

“I never thought I would see the day where I waited six hours! My entire life has changed, I mean before I could only fit in eating breakfast, going to the bank, making a phone call to my mother, working out at the gym for a couple of hours and then I would finally talk to someone! Now I’ll be able to do so much more with all this spare time, I think I might plan a nice little fishing trip for me and my son, I could spend some time with him. Thank you Time Warner cable for giving me so much time to spend with my son!”

Other residents were not as excited, we spoke with Shelby Cooley who told us how she really felt.

” Are you fucking serious? How is this possibly a good thing? I wait for four fucking hours on the phone for someone to tell me that they can’t do anything about my slow internet, now I have to wait six hours for someone to tell me that?! This is insane and anyone who thinks that this is a “good” thing is a complete idiot! Who are you? The Inner Loop? Who the fuck is the Inner Loop?! You’re not a credible source, why do people listen to you?!”

*Editors Note*

Sadly Shelby Menter disappeared and was never to be found again.

 

Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

“I Love Time Warner,” Says Masochist

Rochester, NY – Jim Baker, a resident of Park Ave loves Time Warner Cable. The company provides Internet for almost everyone in Upstate and Central New York. Many of it’s customers have  vocalized various complaints about the company, but Baker is not one of them. We met up with Baker to see why he praises the company.

“I really love Time Warner. It isn’t often a company I patronize aligns so perfectly with my interests,” Baker said.

Those interests Baker is referring to, as I learned in a very uncomfortable half hour, are the sexual practices of Bondage, Submission and Masochism. Baker explained that he derives sexual pleasure from having emotional and physical pain inflicted upon him. He went into extensive detail of this sexual kink of his. Much of his vivid descriptions can’t be repeated in this article.

Eventually, I was able to get the very excited Baker back onto the subject of Time Warner, “Yeah, it is just awesome to be able to interact with a company that is so willingly torturous. I love calling for customer service and being on hold for hours at end. [At this point, Baker went on a tangent about edging that I have chosen to omit].”

Baker went on to explain how he loves how Time Warner treats him like he is lower than dirt. He also said he loves the emotional turmoil he is put in when he has to cancel plans for days on end, not wanting to miss the technician that gave him a 72-hour service window.

“Time Warner is absolutely the company for me, a guy that literally gets off from discomfort and pain,” said Baker as I desperately tried to end the interview.

As I was getting up to go, Baker insisted he showed me a video of his favorite Dominatrix, Colonel Cockcrusher. Luckily, as the video was buffering, Baker’s Internet cut out.

Michael Keaton Visting Rochester In Just One Continuous Shot

Rochester, NY- News broke quickly of Michael Keaton coming to our neck of the woods to introduce a screening of “Beetlejuice”. Needless to say many Rochesterians are quite excited about this for obvious reasons, it’s not often we receive an actor who most people thought was dead until his most recent success of being in Birdman. A movie where he played a character who had one hit movie and most people thought was dead until he made a comeback in a popular movie. The most impressive thing about Michael Keaton visiting Rochester is that he plans to do it one continuous shot! We spoke with Michael to get a little insight on how all of this is going to go down and what Rochesterians can expect!

” When I first heard I was going to Rochester, I knew that I wanted to make it as short of a trip as humanly possible, So I spoke with my good friend Academy award winner Alejandro González Iñárritu and he is actually going to direct this whole experience, we’ve been finding a lot of dark alleyways to go down to create the sense of continuity, but in reality we are just going to recruit four homeless guys to play drums on trash cans very loudly to create a sense of panic to keep the audience distracted from obvious edits”

At this point during the interview Alejandro González Iñárritu popped out of the shadows, it seemed that he was disguised as a table full of Kraft foods in order to create the perfect shot for the continuous “one take” shot. When we asked Alejandro González Iñárritu  if he understood that this technically wasn’t going to be “one-take” since they were taking breaks, this what he had to say.

“Life is like an ocean, sometimes the waves roll in strong and fierce. Sometimes they stay completely still. Like the ocean, you truly never know what to expect and you will not always be there to see it. Even though we cannot see the things that happen, we know in our heart that they have happened. El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda.”

Alejandro González Iñárritu  jumped into the air and turned into a large animatronic bird, he flew down and scooped up Michael Keaton into the sky into what we can only imagine is the ultimate “one-take” shot.

 

*Editors Note*

For our non-Spanish readers  El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda
means  Love is a butterfly and I am a naked dove.