Rochester, NY- The cable giant which is basically a monopoly, sorry! I meant business! Are making a huge announcement which has stunned thousands of customers! Earlier today the CEO of Time Warner, Robert D. Marcus came out and said this.
“The days of waiting on the phone for four hours to speak to a customer service representative are over! We are announcing today that you will now have to wait six hours to speak to someone instead of the usual four! We know what people think about Time Warner and we plan to change that! I will come out and say on the record that this rumor spreading around that the people who work at Time Warner have homes where our staircases are made of cash and eat from plates made of diamond and tears of our customers! These are absurd statements, we would eat from plates made of moon rocks, not diamonds!”
It seems that the response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive from customers, we spoke with local resident John Anders to just get a sense of how this is going to affect the community.
“I never thought I would see the day where I waited six hours! My entire life has changed, I mean before I could only fit in eating breakfast, going to the bank, making a phone call to my mother, working out at the gym for a couple of hours and then I would finally talk to someone! Now I’ll be able to do so much more with all this spare time, I think I might plan a nice little fishing trip for me and my son, I could spend some time with him. Thank you Time Warner cable for giving me so much time to spend with my son!”
Other residents were not as excited, we spoke with Shelby Cooley who told us how she really felt.
” Are you fucking serious? How is this possibly a good thing? I wait for four fucking hours on the phone for someone to tell me that they can’t do anything about my slow internet, now I have to wait six hours for someone to tell me that?! This is insane and anyone who thinks that this is a “good” thing is a complete idiot! Who are you? The Inner Loop? Who the fuck is the Inner Loop?! You’re not a credible source, why do people listen to you?!”
Sadly Shelby Menter disappeared and was never to be found again.