5 Problems With “The Inner Loop”

As you’re reading this blog within another a blog within a website WITHIN YOUR LAPTOP, YOU MUST BE THINKING! What is the Inner Loop? Why is The Inner Loop? Who is The Inner Loop?  The Inner Loop is a blog. A blog that goes beyond the limits of what a blog even means! A blog that points its finger at the masses and shouts “WE CARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK! WE ONLY CARE THAT YOU THINK.” Yet, despite The Inner Loop standing out among the crowd as one of the best blogs to ever exist. It is flawed, like everything else in life. It has cracks, it is written by humans and possibly one shape shifting reptilian person (still investigating). The Inner Loop is sadly flawed and we are here to expose them to the public. Here are five problems with “The Inner Loop”.

  1. Anyone can write for them-  Yeah, that’s right. We’re not making this shit up. ANYBODY CAN WRITE FOR THEM. Like anybody, your mom, your dad, that weird guy on the corner of Monroe and Alexander. Any old asshole with a laptop and two working hands (that aren’t reptilian) can write for them. Do you need to submit an application? Nope. Resume? Nope. Just message the Facebook page group and one of there many “esteemed” writers will respond and add you to the list! This is a dumb idea and its one of the many reason “The Inner Loop” will fail.
  2. None of it is real- If you’re looking for some hard-hitting news with things like facts and real stuff that is actually happening in your everyday life. Look somewhere else, The Inner Loop is straight bullshit. It’s just a bunch of guys who chat through Facebook messenger and mock each other constantly and sometimes come up with articles. They have an article called “Guy on tinder all day, walks into real fire”. Don’t ruin your eyes with this filth.
  3. Writers cant think of their own ideas- Creativity does not come to these guys naturally. I mean even this very article that they’re writing, they had to ask the other “writers” for help to finish this list. You don’t want to read something that took multiple people to make. I mean the only thing that should take two people to create is making a baby and even then they’re are consequences, like that your dad left and he probably got kidnapped by the reptile people.
  4. Michael Colon created it- Who the fuck is Michael Colon? Exactly, apparently he created this thing. He had like a “cool idea” he wanted to talk about with his friends and now it’s turned into this thing that’s actually being consistent with articles and getting more followers every week and some may even say slightly “successful”. That kid is a complete idiot and a total loser. Don’t read anything he is even slightly apart of.
  5. They shed insight into serious subjects with humor– The world is full of serious things and events happening that need to be talked about without any sort of political agenda. That’s what these guys do! Disgusting I know! I don’t want to hear about events happening in the world with a real human perspective and also humor! No thank you! I will gladly go back to my weekly nights of fox news marathons!
  6. Did we mention number 2 already?- Sometimes when I’m writing these articles I get lost because I keep switching tabs between Facebook and checking my bank account, so things kind of get confusing.
  7. They lose count of things–  Numbers are for people who count down the days till they die! We shall be immortal, we shall live among the gods and do the things the gods do!
  8. Never let go Jack– Titanic ❤
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Older Brother’s Cool Friend Lands Double Kickflip

Henrietta, NY – Lance Kendall couldn’t believe his eyes Thursday afternoon when Jeremy Crews, his older brother’s super cool friend that smokes cigarettes, landed a double kickflip in their driveway. The three boys were reportedly skating around the driveway, waiting for Mrs. Kendall to finish making a dinner of fish sticks and smiley fries.  

The ‘skate sesh’ was pretty normal, according to Kendall. His brother and Jeremy were doing Ollies over a rake handle, while he himself was practicing that trick you do when you can’t actually skate yet where you stand under an upside down board and kick your feet up, turning it rightside up and landing on it. “I’ve gotten really good at that one,” Kendall explains

But the day would soon turn completely awesome. Kendall recounted the experience excitedly to this reporter, saying;

“All the sudden, Jeremy told us to watch him and then he like kicks the board down, and I thought he was just doing a real high Ollie, but then the board starts spinning. And then I was like, ‘woah he’s gunna do a kickflip’ but the board kept spinning. I couldn’t believe it. Man, Jeremy is so cool. He smokes cigarettes, you know? But don’t tell Mom, or he won’t be able to come over anymore.”

Lance Kendall’s older brother Mark confirmed the story, stating that Jeremy did indeed land a double kickflip, a trick in which the board spins a full 720 degrees horizontally, adding, “I can totally land one, too. Also, seriously, don’t tell our Mom about the cigarette thing.”

Audience Feels Connected To Comedian Who Asked Them “How’s It going”

Rochester, NY- Alyssa Lyles went to an open-mic comedy night with no idea what to expect, she has never been to a local comedy open-mic before and she was mentally preparing to leave unsatisfied. Yet, what happened next is a true testament to how a the local comedy scene can really touch the hearts of everybody and be more than just a bunch of thirty year olds talking about their dicks. We spoke with Alyssa to really get some insight into how she was affected by one performance in particular.

“You know, I really didn’t expect comedians to be so caring and to try to really connect with their audience, yet this guy really just took a big step and connected with me on a level that I’ve never really felt during a performance. He walked on stage pretty confidently, put his beer on a window ledge, fooled around with the mic for sometime, opened up a notebook and stared it for a solid minute and then turned to the audience and asked us “How’s it going tonight”. It was right there that I knew he was different from the rest, he actually cared about us. He proceeded to tell his jokes and he kept looking at me and asking if I was planning on getting some dick later. He was really just a unique kind of comedian.”

We spoke with Local comedian Jared Kitts to see how he was reacting to such positive statements on his set.

“It’s really fucking cool, you know I’ve only been doing this for two months, but I feel like I’m killing it. I have this one bit that just constantly works every time. It’s about porn and jerking off and I feel like everybody can relate to that. Classic comedy am I right? Fuck, have you seen my joke book anywhere?”

Local Festival Goer Can Only Respond In Dave Matthews Lyrics

Rochester, NY – It was a rollercoaster of a day for Brandon Morris, a young Corn Hill native. While enjoying the craft beverages and artisanal Sunglass Hut at the Corn Hill Festival, Brandon was coerced into trying a new strand of mushrooms that he would later describe as “Sweet like candy to my soul. Sweet you rock and sweet you roll.”

This new species of mushroom, named Amanita davecaria activates a strain of chemicals in the brain causing the user to experience a euphoric delirium. The psychoactive chemicals also render the user incapable of saying any complete sentences, other than Dave Matthew Band Lyrics.

“I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves. Wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves; dreaming of things that we might have been,” said Brandon, after being asked what he did for a living. “If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you’re missing all the rest.”

Hoping that the young man had a family or a loved one that was protecting him through this misadventure, I asked how his girlfriend felt about taking these experimental psychedelics. He said “She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright. But all the colors mix together – to grey, and it breaks her heart”

Then I asked him why he would put his girlfriend through the stress of not being able to communicate or talk to one another. He replied “See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull on through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we’ll make the best of what’s around.”

Finally, I asked Brandon what he was planning on doing for the rest of the evening. His response was “Celebrate we will. Because life is short but sweet for certain.”

Note From the Editor: Dear Team Instinct, We’re Sorry

Last week, in a transparent attempt to capitalize on social trends, we here at the Inner Loop blog posted several articles about Pokemon GO. Being the savvy social satirists we are, we posted two articles about Team Valor and Team Mystic respectively. These articles parodied the trend among GO players to playfully knock rival teams online, using playground name-calling and not-so-clever memes.

It is with deep regret that we acknowledge that we failed to post such an article about Team Instinct. Honestly, we just sort of forgot there was a third team. Admittedly, Team Instinct is pretty forgettable. They have some lame leader that spouts about Pokemon’s feelings and their mascot is basically an electrified Big Bird. Also, they only account for like 1% of the player pool, so they are easy to miss.

Despite these facts, our failure to ridicule them on our internet blog is inexcusable. It was a gross oversight, and frankly we are ashamed. Team Instinct players deserve to be overly offended in a Pokemon Go Facebook group just as much as Team Valor and Team Mystic. The knowledge that we robbed them of that experience is a heavy burden. A burden we must live with.

So, to Team Instinct, we are sorry. We should have made fun of you. We should have made some asinine comment about how Instinct players are those guys who say their dogs are people too. Or some half-hearted play on words about how if you had any “instinct” at all, you would have chosen a better team. We should have done all this but we didn’t. We can’t go back in time and fix our mistakes, so now all we can do is say we’re sorry.

 

 

An Argument Against Team Mystic

Pokemon go is an incredibly fun, family friendly, and addicting game that released for the IPhone and Android. It’s a game that promotes community, especially among those who are on the same team.

Namely Team Valor, also known as the
G-spot of the Pokemon go teams, hits every part of a good team you need: passionate members, intelligent strategies, and unbreakable core values. Mix that with strict discipline and determination, and you have a team worth talking about.

On the other hand, there is Team Mystic. Now, I know in politics it’s a bit of a dirty tactic to throw around the term “fascist”. In Pokemon GO however, “fascist” is the only way to describe the soulless husks that are team mystic.

Here are five reasons that Team Mystic is the unwashed gooch of Pokemon go.

1- Have you noticed that team mystic members are generally people in authoritarian positions of power? It’s no secret that the cold, unfeeling, blue sigil of articuno holds a certain amount of militarism about it, but most members of team mystic are policemen, military, tea party, or libertarians. I guess there’s a reason that “Blue lives matter” comes from the same mouths that praise Team Mystic

2- a lot of them own a copy of Mein Kampf: like seriously. Even people who accidentally picked team mystic have a copy of Adolf Hitler’s manifesto. It’s not a coincidence after a certain point, and that point is at the end of the 4th Reich’s Crimson spear

3- The leader of the Ku Klux Klan is team mystic: yeah. Not even joking, look it up. Want to be on the same team as that guy? You might be if-

4- you are as far right politically as possible: anti abortion, anti birth control, no drinking, smoking, swearing, voter ID control, gun rights: in name it, they support it as long as it’s as far r get as you can get. The only thing they don’t have is core discipline or beliefs because-

5- they have forsaken the individual and are trying to create a system of political, economic, and social unity through the loss of private property, rule under a single military leader, and an economy based on war profiteering and the creation of a mass armed forces in which all citizen s must serve: literally fascists.

But really it’s your choice of team. If you are brave, courageous, virtuous, charismatic, and disciplined, then Team Valor is probably your best bet.

If you are 6 and accidentally farted on your dad’s Samsung Galaxy, then you are probably on Team Instinct.

And if you believe in the systematic destruction of the Jewish people, then you’ll fit right in on Team Mystic.

5 Reasons Team Valor Is Straight Trash

Rochester, NY-  PokemonGo has taken the world by its sweaty little hands and is refusing to let go! Once you reach level 5 in the game, you have a choice to make. Which team are you going to choose, Team Instinct? Team Mystic? Or Team Valor? The choice is easy. Team Mystic. Yet, some unfortunate few belive that Team Valor is the best team. We’re here to dispute that. Here are five reasons Team Valor is straight trash.

  1. Their logo is stolen from the hunger games– I mean have you seen it? Where is Katniss everdeen when you need her to send an arrow straight through the heart of the plagiarist who said that would be the logo for Team Valor. Be original Team Valor, if you’re going to be an awful team, at least be orginial.
  2. They’re the “Bros” of the Pokémon world- You know those guys who based their confidence on their beer pong skills? That’s Team Valor. These guys will spend all there stardust and candy on evolving their Pidgeot, which they aptly named “PussyPidegon”. No one likes this team.
  3. My Bitch Ex-Girlfriend is on that team- Does this even need explaining? Of course she would, the only thing keeping my ex from being a straight demon out of hell is the fact she didn’t have horns coming out of her skull. With enough time, I’m sure it would show.
  4. Donald Trump openly supports them- When he’s not busy hating on Islams and shouting racist slurs, he’s playing pokemonGo and battling gyms in the honor of Team Valor. The only Pokémon he uses are “Raticates” because it reminds him of his children.
  5. They steal from the homeless–  Homeless Joe? Yeah, he was robbed by a group of kids from Team Valor. Do you really need anymore reasons to understand this Team is consisted of the scum of the earth?

 

*Editors Note*

We also have word that Team Instinct is actually just a bunch of 7 year olds who stole their moms I-pad.