Rochester Officials To Introduce A Year Round Cringe Festival

Rochester, NY-  As we all know, the infamous “Fringe Festival” is approaching. It is a time where the art scene slowly takes over the city of Rochester and we consider things like the silent disco to be art. When did putting on headphones and walking around like an idiot become art? I mean seriously, when It did it become cool for people to listen to Michael Jackson on one channel and Elton John on the next one! In honor of Fringe Festival, Rochester officials have announced that they will be introducing a year round Cringe Festival! Here at the Inner Loop we have been fortunate enough to announce a few of the events at the cringe festival!

 

  1. College Town “Ghost” Tour- The College town ghost tour will take 10-15 lucky people on a “spooky” tour of college town and check out all the abandoned buildings of once supposedly thriving  business’s!! Scary stuff! The tour will end with a five-minute moment of silence for every business that thought they would last.
  2. The Blindfolded Park ave-Monroe Ave 5k– Experience a 5k like you’ve never experienced before! During this 5k we will run through the beautiful streets of Park Avenue and right when were on the threshold of approaching Monroe Avenue we will throw on our city official blindfolds so we don’t have to experience the horror of poverty and homelessness!  A fun time for the whole family!
  3. The Inner Loop Charades– Now that the Inner loop has been filled with dirt, we can only imagine what the city is going to put in its place! Apartment Complexes? Pawn shops? Pawn shops in apartment complexes! Who knows! Come join this fun activity as we play a game of charades and act out what we think will fill the inner loop! We know its going to be great!
  4. The Cracked Pavement Money Grab– Take your chance in as we throw two pounds of locally sourced honey on you and throw you in a tube of dollar bills! Every single dollar that sticks to your body will be used to fund construction work for all the badly damaged roads! We aim to raise at least fifty dollars!

These are just some of the fun activities you can hope to see at this upcoming years Cringe Festival! We are so excited to see all of you out there this year! Also, don’t forget if you live in Rochester, the Cringe Festival is always around! It will never go away!

Breaking Report: Man Goes Entire Day Without Cursing At Anyone

ROCHESTER, NY – David Bates, age 24, has reported that he has gone at least a full 24 hour day without accosting any of his co-workers or loved ones. It is noted that he has also not made an overreaching political or aggressively sarcastic Facebook post about Donald Trump supporters in at least half an hour.

“It has really felt like any other day. I woke up, walked my dog, and even saw a few of my neighbors on my way to the car,” David recounts. “Normally I’m expressively negative, but I haven’t even called anyone a dillweed since I saw that guy in the park wearing socks with sandals.”

It is more often that we see young adults cursing their very existence by roughly 9am. Studies have also shown that the more peer to peer social interactions we participate in will drastically increase the amount of disdain they have for themselves or others.

“I’ve even tried being genuinely friendlier. It hasn’t worked by any means, my smiles and my laughs are still fake. Yet, I’ve been through several conversations with Brenda in the break room and I haven’t pictured throwing her out the window of a Boeing 787 at all.”

David’s record breaking day of zero imprecation was brought to a sad end while waiting in line at a local grocery store and boutique. After going the entire day without screaming bloody murder at anyone or passive aggressively staring at a passer-by because of their frontier hipster hat choice, David overheard a radio commercial where the announcer was using the phrase “Poké-Mans” un-ironically and consequentially lost his shit.

Webster Man Determined To Find Something Fun To Do Tonight

Webster,NY- Jeremy Lyles has been a resident of Webster for over twenty years. Webster is a nice town to live in, raise your kids, drive by a McDonald’s twice on your way home. Yet, damn if it isn’t a town to find some fun in. Webster is a town where Stephen King would write a story about a man going crazy and killing cats or some shit. Jeremy was sick of going to Walmart with his kids and having them scuba dive through the five dollar bin to find die hard two, no matter how much fun that game was. Jeremy shared his thoughts with us on how hard fun is to find in Webster.

“You know, it’s the same old routine day in and day out, I drive through Webster, fight off my suicidal thoughts, get home to the kids, fight off the suicidal thoughts some more and then go to bed. Not anymore, I refuse to live that life anymore. Tonight, even if it cost me my life, I swear I am finding something enjoyable to do in Webster. I refuse to spend another dollar at the AMC movie theater! I am paying fifteen dollars to just fall asleep on my couch! Webster has to have something to do that doesn’t involve thinking about suicide! I swear I’m going to find it! Maybe the kids and I could walk down the street since sidewalks are non-existent! Walking in traffic is fun, right guys?!?”

The Inner loop staff did some detective work of their own and tried to find something fun to do in the town of Webster. Here is a list of things we found somewhat enjoyable.

  1. Peoples pain
  2. Dead trees
  3. More pain
  4. Abbots 
  5. Dead people in Walmart
  6. Abbots to cover up the pain
  7. Rust

Sadly, The Inner Loop lost one of our own to suicide during this detective work. Sometimes trying to find fun has a very steep price.

5 Signs Prince Is Really Still Dead

Rochester, NY- Musicians come and go. In a time where any person can have an “album release party”, it’s very difficult to truly know who is a real artist and who is just some asshole who wont stop sending you Facebook event invites. We lost a real artist, a man who can never be replaced and for this I mourn deeply. Here are 5 signs that The artist formerly know as Prince is no longer with is.

 

1) Every skyscraper is still fucking purple- Death is hard enough to deal with on your own. So every time I want to look at that gorgeous skyline and see those fucking purple neon lights on the side of every building, REMINDING ME OF THE FACT I’LL NEVER SEE PRINCE PERFORM LIVE EVER AGAIN!

2) Little red corvette has been my ringtone for six months- IT IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER MADE AND TO WAKE UP TO IT LITERALLY MAKES MY SOUL CRY WITH PAIN.

3) I googled is prince dead still and it said yes- So apparently google is god now and can just tell me that prince is dead and is never coming back, no matter how many small goats I sacrifice and no MATTER HOW HARD I PRAY!

4) I bought a little red corvette and burned it- I may have read in this “witchcraft” book that if you destroy items in a fire that were somehow connected to the deceased, it could possibly call his soul back into this realm and we could capture it, forcing dead prince to make a new album!

5) He stopped returning my phone calls- Prince and I were on a first name basis and he totally took my calls and it wasn’t my mom I was calling asking me if I was off my meds. Prince and I were best friends and I know that the only reason he would never return my calls is because he was dead. Obviously.

The Inner Loops Official List Of People

Well boys and girls, it’s just that time of the year again. The lunar cycles are becoming more condensed as a constant symbol of humanity falling into darkness becomes more and more clear. It’s time for all of us here at The Inner Loop to name all of our People of 2016. Here’s a quick look at our Top 10 People.

1.) Ghandi – He’s still cool right? I mean, I know a lot of people have forgotten his history or don’t really know why he’s important at all. In fact, I think I’ve completely forgotten too. What the fuck did this guy do? Didn’t he stand in front of a bunch of tanks or something so students could read in China? I don’t know, never mind. Ghandi didn’t do shit.

2.) Gregg – Now here’s a guy.

3.) Scarlett Johansson – She’s pretty great. And let’s be mature here everyone, she’s got a beautiful body. . . of work. I mean did you see her skin. . . I mean Under the Skin. Great movie. I’ve got no idea what it’s about, some body snatchers that steal humans that disappear into the floor. Awesome. I’d let Andre the Giant punch me in the dick with a fist full of bees just to watch her walk across a back-dropped stage for 45 minutes.

4.) My Buddy Gordie – Have you met Gordie? Aww he’s awesome. He’s got a lot of great stories. This one time, he overheard his older brother talking about this dead body a couple miles down the train tracks. So Me, Gordie, Jerry O’Connell, and Rivers Pheonix, went on this crazy adventure to find Ray’s body next to the train tracks and become local heroes! Wait, no, that’s definitely just the plot to Stand By Me. . . Whatever, Gordie’s pretty cool.

5.) My Dog Milo – I know, I know, my dog is not ‘technically’ human. But he’s a lot more fun to be around. I’d say I would rather be with my dog more often than I want to hang out with people. He never asks me where I’m going with my life and why I never call my mother IT’S BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED MOM. AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT……..

6.) Steve Buscemi – America’s fun loving punching bag. What a nice guy. He was a FDNY volunteer firefighter and even went back to his roots after 9/11 to help first respondents look for survivors (Which is more than that douche Giuliani did, AMIRITE!?)

7.) Tyga – I chose Tyga because he perfectly represents what the American Dream really is today. Just be a no talent hack with a bunch of Apple products and keep making your shitty music next to Justin Bieber until even shittier people give you a lot of money. F. Scott Fitzgerald has officially turned his casket into a rotisserie because he cannot stop rolling in his grave.

8.) Gregg – Did I mention Gregg yet? Whatever, he’s one hell of a guy.

9.) Reclining Chairs – Alright, alright. I guess I don’t actually mean “Reclining Chairs”, that’s ridiculous. I guess I mean those hinges that go underneath the seats to make the chairs recline. Those are awesome and do so much for humanity and civilization. Being comfortable at your own leisure is what made America Great again. . . Wait, What’s the PeaceCorp again?

10.) Me – Because Fuck You, that’s why. I’m awesome.

Guy Starts His First Shift To Stand Outside Bodega And Stare At People

Rochester, NY- Donald Lancaster awoke to the sound of his alarm clock buzzing. He chose to hit the snooze button multiple times. Donald frantically woke up at 10:34 am late for his first day of work. What does Donald do for a living you ask? Donald just got a full-time job to stand outside of a local Bodega and stare at innocent civilians walking by with a look that you’re not really sure if its friendly or if he would stab you if you got too close. We spoke with Donald to get a feel of how that first shift went for him.

“I was really excited when I found out I got the job! My cousin Eddie hooked me up with it! I think he’s been standing outside of bodegas for over a decade now! People have thought that he’s owned so many stores by just hanging outside of them! A job where I can get all the respect and have none of the responsibility? Hell yeah, I signed up! My cousin recommended I buy a couple of white tank tops and get a tattoo of a giant cross on my arm to make myself seem like a professional!”

We asked Donald to walk us through the life in a day of a “Corner man” as they call themselves.

10:30 AM- I usually roll up pretty slow and look in multiple directions, not because I’m looking for anything, just in case anyone is watching me they can think I’m up to something.

12:00 PM- This is the lunch rush, so I make sure to usually have one or two beef jerky sticks in my hand and a menthol in the other. I find that the odor both of those things bring helps make me look professional.

3:00pm- This is a great time to pretend on my cellphone yelling at someone. Lots of traffic around this time and it’s just a great atmosphere when people are parked at a red light right in front of me as I’m screaming at my bitch of a girlfriend.

7:00 Pm- I’m pretty much done at this point and the next guy, Rico comes in to take over. I try to make sure the place it set up for success, I generally discard any loose receipt or trash in my pockets around the area and I scream racist slurs for a solid thirty minutes. I’m really trying to make a good impression.

Donald thanked us for interviewing him and said he had to leave so he could catch a cab home and then argue with the driver about how expensive it was.

 

Fish Monster Michael Phelps Tries to Emulate Human Emotion

So, I don’t know if you’ve been watching the olympics, but absolute genetic monstrosity Michael Phelps just won his 3rd gold medal of the event.

For those of you playing the home game, he now has 22 medals overall, that’s made up of:

2 Bronze Medals

2 Silver Medals

and 18 Fucking Gold Medals

Sweet baby Moses, that’s so much athleticism.

So for a minute put yourself in this obvious nazi-experiment-gone-pretty-good’s shoes. If you had a small fortune in proof that you sex good just lying around, and then continued to get more of them while doing this shit-

That’s Phelps literally staring down the man who came in second place, making sure he realizes that he should still fear whats in the ocean’s depths. He did this after winning Gold in the 200m Butterfly. The madman waved the camera’s to him, did a “I’m Number 1” thing to the cameras, then slowly turned to the man next to him and stared him down. This wasn’t an act of aggression, this was an emotional war crime.

Which brings me to my ultimate point:

Michael Phelps has no idea what emotion is anymore, and really, who can blame him?

Look at him try to squeeze out one dusty tear during him winning yet another gold medal

That isn’t crying. Or nationalism. Or even a man who gives a single continental shit about what anyone thinks. When you have enough Fort Knox neck candy to topple a small regime, does having feelings even matter anymore?

This is someone, and I dare not say man because whatever hybrid of magic, science, and fish blood created Michael Phelps is certainly not by definition “Human”, who has a survival instinct version of “Fight or flight” that is pretty much just “Be wet and win or be actively trying to be wet and win”. Whatever feelings he has at this point are probably just stimulus responses to being out of the water, as shown in this handy flow chart:

Let me put it this way:

A couple of decades ago in a small fishing village, there was a humble fisherman and his wife. They had begotten a child, but could not afford to keep it on such a meager existence. They prayed to Poseidon to bring safe passage to the child, then released him to the sea. Poseidon, who was cramming down half a chilli dog smashing back a keystone, looked up and saw the child floating out with the tide. With a bloated cry of “Dude, im gonna make this kid so fucking rad”, he blasted the child with his magical trident, and out of the sea-foam came a pot smoking half-fish with a fetish for gold circles.

Michael Phelps doesn’t feel like people do. As long as he keeps what can only be a shaky peace between the USA and Atlantis by funneling gold through our aquatic athletics programs, then fuck it. He earned the right to not have people feelings, and God bless him for it, the beautiful gilled bastard.