ROCHESTER, NY – David Bates, age 24, has reported that he has gone at least a full 24 hour day without accosting any of his co-workers or loved ones. It is noted that he has also not made an overreaching political or aggressively sarcastic Facebook post about Donald Trump supporters in at least half an hour.
“It has really felt like any other day. I woke up, walked my dog, and even saw a few of my neighbors on my way to the car,” David recounts. “Normally I’m expressively negative, but I haven’t even called anyone a dillweed since I saw that guy in the park wearing socks with sandals.”
It is more often that we see young adults cursing their very existence by roughly 9am. Studies have also shown that the more peer to peer social interactions we participate in will drastically increase the amount of disdain they have for themselves or others.
“I’ve even tried being genuinely friendlier. It hasn’t worked by any means, my smiles and my laughs are still fake. Yet, I’ve been through several conversations with Brenda in the break room and I haven’t pictured throwing her out the window of a Boeing 787 at all.”
David’s record breaking day of zero imprecation was brought to a sad end while waiting in line at a local grocery store and boutique. After going the entire day without screaming bloody murder at anyone or passive aggressively staring at a passer-by because of their frontier hipster hat choice, David overheard a radio commercial where the announcer was using the phrase “Poké-Mans” un-ironically and consequentially lost his shit.