Next Presidential Debate To Be Held In Chuckie Cheese Ballpit

Rochester, NY- America finally tuned into what was sure to be an interesting night. Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump going head to head. As America watched, we could only draw one conclusion at the end of the debate. Hilary and Donald are at the wrong venue. After some thought they have decided that their next venue would be the local Chuckie cheese in “Big Johns plaza” right next door to dominoes.  We spoke with Donald’s campaign party to understand why they made such a risky move.

“After the debate last night, it was pretty obvious that Donald was not in his element. We know that he struggles with big, scary rooms filled with people who have opposing ideas. So we thought that he would really feel at home in a chuckie cheese ball pit. We know Donalds loves their pizza and the exciting noises of the arcade machines. We want to give him a fighting chance to really show the american public that he is really a man of the people and of children under the age of twelve.”

We also spoke with Hilary’s campaign party to see how she would be handling this new venue.

“Hilary has always loved ballpits, we know that Hilary personally has three to four ball pits in her house and she has always been a ballpit person. We know there was a time where Hilary spoke out against people who enjoyed ballpits, but we are really trying to change her image to whatever the people need in order to make them feel comfortable lowering their standards to vote for her.”

Top 5 Questions We Want Answered In The Debates

With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates

1) Why does the old man want my bones?

Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.

2. How do we fix the economy ?

I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.

3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?

This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)

4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?

Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.

5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?

I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.

 

Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com

Man Trying To Merge Into Lane Says “Fuck It” And Violently Swerves Into Traffic

Rochester,NY- Rush hour traffic. We’ve all been there. You’re just getting out of a long day of work and all you want to do is go home and have a nice cold beer to kick off the rest of your night. Kyle Linden was feeling this way Friday afternoon. Kyle clocked out on Friday with high hopes. Kyle found himself turning onto 590 North, as Kyle was speeding up he realized in order to make it to his exit he would have to cross over three lanes in order to get to his exit on time. We spoke with Kyle to understand his point of view on this situation.

“You know I just dont get it, why would my exit be on the complete opposite side of where I need to be? You think they would create some straight path to my home, instead of making me try to cross the road like a game of frogger. You know I did think for a moment about turning on my left blinker and slowly lane by lane trying to make my way across. Then I thought to myself. Do I care about the safety of others?  The answer is no. So I drove my car through three lanes in the span of five seconds. Sure I heard beeps and screams, maybe even an accident or two, but you know what? I made it home. That’s all that really matters to me.”

Kyle informed us that he may have been driving under the influence of being just a complete asshole.

Donald Trump claims to have pneumonia that is superior to Hillary’s

“There has been alot of talk about Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia, but I assure you, I have the best pneumonia of any politician. Mine is far more debilitating than hers has ever been. No one in the republican or democratic party can compete with my pneumonia. It’s so debilitating it would make your head spin. I should be dead right now, I swear.”

Said Donald Trump at a rally in Los Angeles, California addressing a recent press release that confirmed that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton had a case of pneumonia.

The Donald referred to it as “classic liberal media bias” stating that

“I have been number one in the pneumonia game for years, but you don’t hear anyone talking about it, the coverage has been unfair.”

He then went on to blame China for the problem, as well as saying that he felt like there were “too many blacks in sports, it’s hard to tell which player is which.”

 

“Abby Wambach Driving Experience” Surprise Hit at This Years Fringe Festival

ROCHESTER, NY-Move over ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ and say hello to ‘BAC like Wambach.’ The surprise hit at this year’s Fringe Fest let’s you step into the driving shoes of hometown hero Abby Wambach.

“It seemed like a really dumb idea” said Clark Peterson the creator of the Fringe event. “I submitted the idea thinking it would get turned down, but it is true what they say, Fringe will accept anything.”

The Fringe show takes place Peterson’s Parents Basement around 11pm when they fall asleep. After drinking to the point you can’t feel your face, in honor of the amount of head-in goals Wambach scored in her career, you put on Virtual Reality goggles and try to drive down the same Portland streets Wambach did when she was arrested for DUI in April of 2016.

Tickets include a ride home from Peterson’s parents if you can wake them up politely.

Black Neighborhoods to Create Law Keeping Militia Against New Violent Gang Called “The Police”

Rochester, NY- Several of the poor and ethnically african-american neighborhoods of our city have decided to band together and create a peace-keeping militia, sources say.

After brutal and unprompted attacks across the country by a new and vastly organized gang, neighbors decided that enough was enough, and became arming themselves against these new attackers, as well as to self-police their own areas.

“Honestly, we were just sick of all the crime,” Says Jordan DeMatt, a rochester local, “These guys show up flashing little badges they get after joining the gang and demanding entry into your house, or they follow you down the street and force you to pull over then demand money from you, we were just sick of having no one to enforce the law”

The militias, mostly non-violent community groups, take an approach of understanding and empathy with their law-keeping.

“We usually have a set code per neighborhood, depending on the specific needs of the area. Mostly just common sense stuff, ‘do unto others’ and all that. We also make sure its all local people, no bringing in people from other towns.” Says DeMitt, motioning to his militiamen, dubbed The Monroe Ave. Peacekeepers, “If you have transplants in the force then you get people reacting to totally different problems than their used to with a heightened prejudice, can’t be having that.”

But what was the need for this new peacekeeping initiative? Damien Lockheed of the Confederation of Clinton Ave. offers this explanation,

“We got these guys all dressed in blue with military gear, gang signs on badges, open carry pistols on them at all times, and connections to every judge, lawyer, jailhouse, and governmental office. Hell, you see politicians openly supporting these gang members, having their motorcycle chapters guard their motorcades, footmen in their public parades, and their pushers flat out ruin anybody who tries to sell on their turf. It’s ridiculous. Top of that, they can break into your home, your car, take family members, steal your property and everyone seems to turn a blind eye. It’s an invasion is what it is, and we need people actually working to enforce the law in this country.”

To combat this, public peace militias have advised anyone who identifies as a Person of Color or below a certain income bracket to avoid these gang-bangers at all costs, as they are said to be the favored targets of the gang.

Lockheed says, “They already been killing people in the streets, they drive modded cars just so they can harass you if you break their turf rules into paying their organization. Its criminal, and we ain’t standing for it.”

More public members and political officials known to be  connected to this gang activity have refused to comment, specifically on the matters of murders, harassment, illegal entry, illegal search and seizure, kidnapping, assault, and unlawful imprisonment.

5 Ways The Silent Disco Can Save Your Marriage

Rochester, NY-  Fringe Festival is upon us and it is the season of the arts! As well all know art is subjective, people can take a life changing experience from a piece of art or they can walk away feeling nothing! The silent disco is by far one of the most popular events at the fringe festival, for good reason! Its fun, its crazy and its different! Yet did you know that the silent disco can actually save your failing marriage? Dont trust us? Listen to these 5 reasons the silent disco can save your marriage.

1) You Can Say Passive Aggressive Comments- Need we say more? While your significant other is rocking out to George Michael’s “Careless whisper”, you can mouth to them how much you hate their nasty snoring habit! Or maybe let them know you threw out their favorite shirt in a fit of rage! Anything goes! They can’t hear you!

2) You Can “Accidentally” Knock Them To The Ground- Oh! I’m sorry! Were you doing the electric slide? I was listening to the Cha Cha slide is what you will say after you knock your significant other to the ground! Didnt that feel great? You’ll both laugh it off, but now you can finally put behind the fact they never close the bathroom door all the way! Success!

3) You Can Forget About The Kids, Seriously Forget Them-  Headphones and nagging wives are the ultimate sound blockers. When you can’t hear anything, its kind of hard to remember anything. Sure you brought the kids, but where are they now? They stare at their Ipad all day and forget about you, it’s about time you do it to them. Who cares if you’re kinds are getting in strangers van! I want candy just came on and you have to dance!

4) Tell Them You Want A Divorce- What a better time to live out that fantasy of leaving your significant other than when they can’t hear you! Make it interesting and drop to one knee as if you’re trying to be funny! The just rip into them about how sad this marriage makes you and you’re just not happy anymore!

5) Commit To A Year Round Silent Disco- You’ve experienced the silent disco at its finest and now you want more. This is a great time to sit down with your partner and let them know that you think you want to commit to a year round silent disco and not speak or hear from eachother for a whole year! This will do wonders for your marriage!

We hope you’ve enjoyed this! We hope everyone can make it to the silent disco this year!

*Editors Note*

Every member at the Inner Loop are still single.