10 Things You Should be Aware of When Reading “The Inner Loop”

Everyone enjoys satire, it’s a natural and healthy mechanism to critique, question, and ingest the chaotic world around us all. With so many options to choose from when browsing online it’s hard to land on just one satire site when all of them have something of worth to offer.

Which leads me to an important question: How is it that you ended up on The Inner Loop? It isn’t popular, well written, or even very good at being satire. Its a local Rochester blog run by a bunch of amateur comedians, some of whom don’t even live in Rochester. Half of what we say isn’t even based off of real world events.  How is it, through all of life’s twists and turns, that you ended up here?

Regardless, you’re here. here’s a few things you should really know before trying to dive in any further.

1: Our chief editor is kind of the only funny one– Okay, so off the bat, calling him our chief editor is sort of a misnomer because, well, he doesn’t really edit anything. If you go through any of our articles you can find a linguistic holocaust of grammar failures and run on sentences, and enough pointless metaphors to make Ayn Rand blush. That being said, Michael Colon is really the only funny person to write for this site.

2: Our chief editor isn’t all that funny– Not hard to compare apples to oranges when all the oranges are rotten and radioactive. Not that the apple (Michael Colon) is any better, it is infested with some worms, but certainly better than the oranges (The rest of us mouth breathers).

3: We aren’t very good people– I’d point to our group message chat for an example, but the amount of redacted material there would be to make us look only a little better would read more like a CIA cover up of crack distribution in black neighborhoods than a functioning message board.

4: Seriously, some of our writers don’t even live in Rochester– Only one or two of them are actually in Rochester year round. The others are either transplants going to college there or are across the country sending articles in remotely. For a satire site aimed at being a local funny bone, we aren’t even all that local.

5: We think we are really witty– You ever meet a blogger who is just really full of spit and vinegar over how important their words are? That’s us. Thats all of us. You’d sooner see the office of The Inner Loop sieg heil than actually give a humble statement about our city, or ourselves.

6: Mike used to run a Satanic cult– Like straight up, goat sacrifices, blood orgies, vampire cosplay: you name it and our “chief editor” has probably stuck his dick in it for the name of Satan.

7: Ben (Rugmeat) currently runs a Satanic cult– We prefer the term “Hedonistic Observers of the Rites of Lucifer”, but yeah, it’s a Satanic sex cult. Lets not beat around the bush, lets just beat each other off.

8: One of our writers was pronounced dead 2 weeks ago and nobody has told his family yet– So yeah. Mr. and Mrs. McFaddin, uh, we are terribly sorry but your darling boy has died, and his body may have been used for some freaky deaky Satanic sex ritual. One of these is a certainty, and the other has too much DNA to put blame on just one perpetrator, so save yourself the money and don’t take legal action.

9: We are startlingly close to internal collapse on any given week– Honestly, we are only held together by our mutual hatred and drive to one up each other and piss each other off. If Vize didn’t start a flame war in the chat earlier today about whatever new stupid birth control he does recreationally, then this article wouldn’t have even happened.

10: You fucking rubes– If there is any people to blame here, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it’s all of you. All of your positivity and support has gone towards the creativity and motivation behind some weird ass shit, and why? Because you think it’s funny?! ugh. Support of enjoyment of the creative endeavors of your equals is truly a new low, not only for the people of Rochester, but for the world as a whole.

All of you do yourselves a favor. Shut off the computer. Go outside. Walk around your neighborhood, say hello to a stranger, ask someone a question about what they do for a living.

Much to the dismay of the Catholic church and several regional government officials, The Inner Loop isn’t going anywhere. It’ll always be in the same dirty mud puddle its been in, spewing vitriol about Pokemon Go or whatever other pop-culture meme slaps the wet meat of the internet fad machine next. Go enjoy yourselves. Cyber bully a child on a play ground. Just be aware the next time you ever read something that labels itself as “Satire“, it might just be a bunch of bullshit written by a sex crazed Satanist.

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