Webster, NY – We all knew this turkey day was going to be a challenging one. But our challenges were certainly not met with the same level of difficulty as this small family in Webster NY. Jimmy and Joan Partridge are Webster natives and local racists. They’ve been proudly flying the Trump Pence banner next to a confederate flag on their combination truck bed front porch ever since the president-elect announced his bigoted running mate.
Jimmy Partridge was a level headed working class American that was ready to make America great again. He had seen his way of life undermined and disrespected by the last eight years of ‘tolerance’ and ‘social justice’. But not anymore. Finally people would start paying attention to all of the hard working white men again. To celebrate Jimmy’s new found white male pride, he decided that Thanksgiving day would be at his ‘cottage’ this year. He invited his sister Janice, her son Conor, and her sons fiance Marcus. Although Jimmy does not believe that gay people should get married because it ruins the sanctity of marriage, he and his third wife agree that family is family, and that’s all that matters.
“I was just so happy to have all my family and the people I love around me for Thanksgiving. It’s such a surreal feeling that finally my people will no longer feel marginalized or disrespected,” Partridge said, as he lowered the volume on the Dakota Access Pipeline news story that was happening behind him. “For years I’ve felt like every other group of people has just been given all of these handouts. Free meals and good fortune while I’ve been working for minimum wage. I can barely afford my 2 cartons of cigarettes a week. I’ve been grateful that my 1997 Ford Truck gets 12 miles to the gallon, or else I don’t know how we would’ve survived.”
Jimmy went on to recount his terror when his nephew Conor told him that he and his fiance voted for Hillary. Conor had this to say, “Well I’m upset because I voted for Bernie in the primaries and was definitely not looking forward to voting for Hillary. But Trump seems like such a vapid manipulative megalomaniac that I am still sort of in shock that he won. Even though Hillary did win the popular vote by nearly 2 million votes, I suppose that we as Americans have to come together and try to bond over the next 4 years as well as we can. All we have is each other, you know. I really feel like President Obama did a wonderful job opening up real conversation and discourse so we might be able to continue the conversation of tolerance, even while we have such an opaque figure head leading our country.”
“What a crock of bullshit,” Jimmy went on to say. “To think that I let that ungrateful nobody into my home and fed him my turkey. I don’t have anyone in my family that voted for Killary.” Jimmy then took off his shirt to reveal a swastika tattoo, began to point at his nephew and say “Do you know what this means? Not Welcome.”
Pittsford, NY – Cousins Randall Sellars, 9 and Jimmy Peterson, 8, don’t mind the wind chill as they run around the Peterson’s backyard, chasing each other and throwing snowballs. Out of breath and laughing, the duo pauses to think of a new game to play.
“I know, I know,” Randall excitedly shouts, “How about Riot Police and Indians?” Jimmy claps in thrilled agreement, “I’ll be a riot policeman and you be a Standing Rock Protector,” continues Randall.
Randall then picks up a garbage can lid and adorns his head with a tipped over flower pot. Jimmy draws a line in the snow with his foot and stands behind it. The two boys giggle as Randall pegs Jimmy with snowball after snowball. Jimmy, a future actor no-doubt, stays in character and just stands there peacefully.
A knock on the kitchen window gets Jimmy’s attention. He turns to look inside. His mother, Teresa Peterson, 37, signals to him that Thanksgiving dinner is served. Jimmy nods back.
“It’s time for dinner, I think,” Jimmy says as he turns back to Randall, now holding the garden hose.
Teresa and Barbara Sellers, Randall’s mother laugh as they watch their sons play. Teresa remarks how lucky they are to have kids nowadays who actually like to play outside. Barbara agrees as she finishes setting the table, the brutal irony lost on them both.
Jacob Sellers, Randall’s father, can be heard in the next room shouting, “Woohoo, Touchdown! Go Redskins!”
Standing Rock, North Dakota- The protest have been going on for almost a year now and it only continues to grow more violent. This past week it was reported that a protester could possible lose their arm. This shameless violence has to come to an end, that’s why the United States government has taken extreme measures to bring this situation to a halt. They have decided to resurrect the one man who they know can completely eradicate the native americans, he’s done it before and by god he’ll do it again.
They have resurrected Christopher Columbus from the dead and have replaced most of his decayed organs with robotic prosthetics of the future and for a couple of giggles, they have now equipped him with the ability to shoot laser beams out of his eyes. unnecessary? Yes. Completely awesome to watch in action? absolutely. We were able to get an exclusive interview with the half cyborg/half man Christopher Columbus. We asked him what his initial plan to deal with the protestors was. This was his response.
” *Cyborg noise* HELLO, I AM CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS, NATIVE AMERICAN KILLING MACHINE. I have been brought back to do one thing and one thing only, I will finish what I started. WHEN I FIRST LANDED HERE IN AMERICA, I KNEW THAT THE NATIVE AMERICANS WOULD CAUSE US TROUBLE. THEY TRIED TO CLAIM THEY DISCOVERED AMERICA BEFORE I DID. THIS CAUSED ME GREAT HUMILIATION, SO I VOWED TO DESTROY THEIR ENTIRE KIND, I WAS NOT ABLE TO FINISH IT, BUT NOW I WILL. I BELIEVE THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT HAS THE RIGHT TO LAY PIPES DOWN WHEREVER THEY PLEASE, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS IN A LAND FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO LIVED HERE LONG BEFORE US AND ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE LAND. THOSE PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND MONEY OR OIL.”
At this point half cyborg/half human Christopher Columbus started to malfunction and saying things like “please dont kill me again, hell is so hot and they all make fun of me down there”.
Rochester,NY- While the election has taken over most of americans thoughts these days and now with news of president trump, it seems as if America only has one thing on its mind. Yet over in the small town of Fairport, Kyle Metzer has been slowly trying to understand why the ending of one his favorite movies ” I Am Legend”, is so bad! We spoke with Kyle to really understand this situation.
” You know, I just feel as if killing off the main character was just a complete cop out, I mean the entire movie they’re telling the audience that this guy has been a one man killing machine for years and all of sudden he just decides the best option is to take his own life? I mean he could of hid himself from the monsters, he could of sacrificed the kid and the woman! This guy has been fucking killing monsters by himself in New York City and this was his best option? I just dont buy it. I’ve written my own ending and sent it to the studios a couple of times. In my ending, Will Smith ends up building his own personal Jetpack and ditches the woman and kid to be eaten by the zombie/vampire creatures? Then he ends up building a robot version of his dog that died in the movie, those two together decide to travel to the past to try to stop the zombie/vampire invasion before it ever happened.”
We asked Kyle if has actually ever seen “I Am Legend’. This was his response.
” I’ve only seen parts of it when it comes on TNT. I’m trying to be a screenplay writer”
ROCHESTER, NY– Voting booth attendance ground to a halt this morning as a shocking discovery shook the conservative right. It has been revealed today that presidential candidate Donald Trump has in fact, this entire time, been a Jeff Dunham ventriloquist dummy.
News affiliates first became skeptical of Trump’s legitimacy as a human being after several in person meeting and press conferences as Trump acted like a poor caricature of an 80’s “business” man, spouted racist nonsense at an unprecedented level, and his mouth didn’t always line up with what he was saying.
It wasn’t until this morning when an exhausted Jeff Dunham collapsed from behind the GOP frontrunner, wheezing and begging for medical assistance. After recuperating, Dunham admitted that he thought this character was “just a funny joke” among his other cast of characters: A racist depiction of a muslim, a racist Mexican hot pepper, a racist depiction of a black pimp, an old man who is just racist, a mentally handicapped adult, and a monkey.
Jeff Dunham, who is “famous” for doing “comedy” had reportedly been working on the character since the early seventies, when first developing his routine. “I just kept thinking” Dunham says, “wouldn’t it be great if I made a great big wood man! and he has money! and hates everything about brown people! and-and he likes boobs! and butts-GIRL butts! oh wow, I gotta get back out there!”
Dunham refused to provide further comment, saying that he was “Hot on the campaign trail!” running from the hospital with a briefcase full of “comedic” ventriloquist dummies.
Conservative voters have yet to stop voting for trump, even after hearing the news that a “comedian” had a hand up his ass for the entire election.
Like Seriously. We’re fucked.
ROCHESTER, NY– Hand-in-hand with the great tradition of voting this country has been the great tradition of Local News stations finding and reporting on the longest lines to vote. “Because, you know, news and shit” says local news producer Jen Johnson.
Rochester polling station prepared as best they could for the record numbers of registered voters and first time voters casting their ballots in this election, and it turns out, they did a pretty great job!
“We looked all over the place and couldn’t find a single file line anywhere in Rochester. We started to get worried that we might actually have to cover something news worthy. But it was right when we lost hope that we drove past Highland Park” said Johnson.
Unfortunately for the News Team, it turns out this line in Highland Park was not for the polling station nearby but still a residual line of people waiting for their kettle corn from the Lilac Festival.
“Please kill me. I have been waiting here since May 21st. I am so hungry. Why does it take so long to stir popcorn in liquid diabetes?” said Tom Bosstone, 24, who looked particularly gnarly.
When asked who he was voting for Tom simple said “Please just kill me. For the love of god. Also, probably Trump.”