The World- It is with great pain that we have seen a beloved music icon pass away at such a young age. On christmas day we lost George Michael. Yet for one fan, this was a momentous day, he was finally going to receive a fresh heart, not just any heart, but a heart from his favorite musician, George Michael. Yet, for some reason unknown to us, only with 48 hours of receiving this brand new heart, the fan decided to give it away to another person in need. We spoke with Jared Nelson about his rash decision.
” You know, I couldn’t even tell you how excited I was when I heard that I was receiving a brand new heart from one of my biggest idols of all time! The chance, the timing, everything seemed perfect, but I can’t quite explain it, after having his heart in me for only a couple of hours, it just didn’t feel like the way I thought it would. I guess the idea of loving George Michael, was better than actually loving George Michael.
Jared gave away his George Michael heart to a young boy who was quoted saying that Jared will always be a “Fathe figure” to him.
This story is a %100 real.
“It’s really funny” said Jeff from Accounting and that was all he had to say to know that this was the last time you would be having drinks with him after work. Which really sucks because he was the only one close in age with you. “Now what?” You think. “Am I going to have to become friends with Dale? That guy is 50 and only talks about his Cats. He refers to them as his little rays of sunshine?” Dale is the poster child for Zoloft.
You drive home still disappointed in Jeff. “How could he do this to me? I trusted his opinion before. HE HELPED ME PICK OUT MY WIFE’S RING!” As soon as you put your key in the door you realize, “Wait. I have never actually seen Dirty Grandpa.”
“Surely it cannot be as bad as the previews” says the voice in your head grasping at straws to hold you and Jeff’s relationship together. You decide that tonight, after the kids are asleep, you will sneak out of bed, and into your study to watch Bad Grandpa, wearing headphones and with your iPad screen at 2% brightness, so no one can catch you watching this “Zack Efron trash.”
You did it. You watched the whole thing. The entire movie that you never gave a chance. You sit in quiet reflection.
“Did I like that movie or am I just convincing myself that I liked the movie for Jeff’s sake?” You think back on Robert Dinero’s acting as an elderly man coping with the death of his wife from cancer, and his inner turmoil from the War by acting Dirty. “Is this really his best work since Raging Bull? Did I just have that thought? Can I even tell anyone I thought that?”
While asking yourself these questions you realize it is already 6:00am and time to go to work. You sit down at your cubicle, and there he is, Jeff. Oh sweet Jeff. You look into his eyes as he walks toward you carrying his “Don’t Talk To Me Until I Have Had At Least 4 Of These” mug, and you realize… This guy absolutely sucks, that movie sucked, and you not only have wasted your time watching it, but wasted your life at this dead end job, with these dead end people.
You ask yourself: “What Would Dirty Grandpa Do?” And that’s when you take a big steaming shit on the office floor and ruin your credibility. “Just like Robert Dinero” you think to yourself as you are escorted out of the building.
Rochester,NY- Today at exactly 12:35 pm, Josh Haines drove over to Glen Edith Coffee house and found a parking spot in the parking lot. We understand if you need to read this again, we know it’s very hard to believe. What was thought to be the unthinkable has actually happened. We have come to believe that this man has ties to the eternal hellfire being known as “Satan”. How else could he have found a parking spot in a parking lot that is known to the locals as “Why the hell does this place have only like six parking spots, they’re clearly a popular coffee shop and they need to expand and I fucking hate park avenues bullshit side street parking rules”. We have some accounts for eyewitness on the scene.
“I was walking past Glen Edith and I could not believe it, this guy just randomly pulls into the parking lot and BAM, he fucking parks?! Like are you serious? I come to this place all the time and not once can I found a spot and this asshole just randomly finds a spot! Finding a parking spot at Glen Edith is like going a day on Facebook without seeing Donald Trump! It’s impossible!”
Other eye witnesses have recounted a different story, Lauren Jones tells her story of this miracle man.
“I saw this guy in his car and right next to him in his passenger seat was Satan! I swear he was wearing a tight black hoodie and smoking an e-cig, I think I also saw him wearing some sort of fitted beanie. Satan really isn’t what I expected him to be, the only thing that gave him away was his giant horns, but besides that he kind of just looked like another douchebag hipster”
Was it Satan? Lord of the underworld, or just another dirty fucking hipster! Who knows! Our next story
“Will Joe Bean ever be confident enough to leave that dirty fucking warehouse they’re still in?”
Rochester,NY- Mayor Lovely Warren has just announced that the very controversial red light ticket program will now be replaced by a group of homeless men from Monroe avenue just standing at the corner of the streets waiting for pedestrians to drive by to scream verbal insults and if it is appropriate, racial insults. We spoke with the leader of the pack, he asked him to just call him “Buddha”. This is what Buddha had to say about the new program.
” Well, ya know. The old program just wasn’t working, people were not getting how their reckless driving was ruining everyone’s life . Sure, they got some fancy ticket in their mail, but that didn’t stop them. So were really hoping this new approach will set these people straight. So whenever we see someone driving through a yellow light, we’ll yell stuff like “slow down faggot” or “Honda civics are for pussies”. Sometimes for good measure one of the boys will make sure to throw an old pair of underwear at windshield. Some people don’t agree with our tactics, but I have to say its been pretty effective. Just the other day this colored fella tried driving thru a four-way stop and we able blow out two of his tired with a piece of plywood and some industrial thumbtacks, then we dragged him out of the car and pepper sprayed him. I dont think he’ll be breaking any traffic violations.”
When asked if their methods were also breaking the law homeless Joe just replied with this.
” The way I see it, Miss lovely warren is paying us in subway cards with over 75 points for a free foot long, she might as well gave us homeless men the key to the city with an offer like that.”
So yeah..we did it?
Please dont stop reading!
We’re so lonely…
In a turn of events that certainly seemed unlikely, President Elect Donald Trump has announced that she, formerly he, is now undergoing gender reassignment surgery.
“Sexuality is a joke, it’s the worst it’s been in years, it’s undereducated and underfunded” Trump hollered from his tower, “Russia is beating us in queers, China is beating us in queers, it’s a shame really”
Ms. Trump underwent the surgery surrounded by investors he designated her “loved ones”, and is now on track to solidify herself as the first female president of the United States.
When asked to comment, Hillary Clinton simply went wide eyed and began stammering.
On a similar note Vice President elect Mike Pence has been put on suicide watch after screaming and pulling all of his hair out.
After the surgery, president elect Trump promptly stood up, took of her pa to, and grabbed herself in the pussy.
“See! It’s not so bad” she shouted to her investors.
Rochester,NY- Jessica Nichols has decided to take a stand against stereotypes and stigmas, she knows that people tend to look down on people who have “eccentric” hair and they claim to be less stable than others, but Jessica is here to end that claim. We were able to get a personal interview with her at her studio apartment where the phrase “You are loved” is poorly written on her wall. This is what Jessica had to say for herself.
“First off, I want to thank you for interviewing me to help me clear the air on this topic and I just want to make this clear that it was my idea to do this interview and not yours, I am my own person and controlled by my own actions. I colored my hair blue to show who I really am, I am a unique person and in this crazy earth controlled by men, I will let the universe know that I am one with her and I am connected to it. I mean how could anyone think that god would or whatever created us would be a man? Women are the creators of life and if need be, the destroyers. This hair represent more than a color, it represents a unity of fighting oppression of the color that seeks to destroy us…
At this point Jessica just kind of went off track and decided that she really needed to post a picture on instagram of a person becoming a tree or some bullshit with a quote of nature being apart of us or something.