5 Things Donald Trump Should Have Banned Instead Of Muslims

Rochester, NY- Tensions are high as our new president Donald Trump, within his very first week, has incited more chaos than when the Phantom Menace was released and we all started to slowly realize it was actually a really bad movie. This is no movie, this is real life and every day it seems as if Donald Trump aims to keep upping the shock factor. Just two days ago he signed an executive order to ban people from seven majority Muslim countries from entering our own. While Donald Trump may think he has “logical” reasons for this ban, we here at the Inner Loop believe that there are much more significant things he could have banned instead of Muslims.

  1. My Ex-Wife-I mean seriously, this one is a no brainer. She’s a horrible human being who destroyed my heart and took my dog with her as well. If anyone deserves to be banned into the outer circles of hell, it is this woman. Also, side-note, she could have totally been a terrorist. I’m not trying to be judgmental, but she was a big fan of Indian food, suspicious? You betcha.
  2. Toaster Strudel- What the fuck is this thing? It’s not a pop tart, which has clearly cornered the market on chemically induced breakfast foods. Plus you have to drizzle your own fucking frosting on it? Nonsense, this thing is setting our country to terror code red in my opinion.
  3. Nicolas Cage– Nicolas Cage at one point was considered an A list actor. Not anymore, so why do I have scroll through my Netflix browser and see his horribly depressing straight to DVD movies? Super un-American and it just kind of kills my vibe. We can remember Nicolas Cage during the days of “Face-off” and yes even “National Treasure”, his time has passed and we need to let him die.
  4. Commercials on Hulu- This is an atrocity to the American Spirit, you’re telling me that I have to pay $9.99 a month for this shit and I still get commercials?! Then I have to pay an extra five bucks a month for a commercial free Hulu? Terrorism at its finest, people. Open your eyes.
  5. Himself- Yup, Donald Trump should ban himself for being the most ignorant, hate mongering, pathetic loser this country has ever voted into office. He represents everything wrong with the government and humanity itself. I hope this guy has a Willy Wonka elevator in his office and just gets in one day and ejects himself into the fucking sun.

 

“The Inner Loop is a non-biased association” 

Oscars Snub: Academy Overlooks My Girlfriend in Role of “Total Bitch All The Time”

This past week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced the 2017 Oscar nominations. La La Land was a notable standout, getting a whopping 14 nominations (which ties the record for most a movie has received). Moonlight, a gripping, personal drama brought much needed diversity, along with Fences, Lion and Hidden Figures, to the Oscars after last year’s #OscarsSoWhite controversy.

The field of worthy movies was jam-packed this year, and per usual several films and performances were snubbed, upsetting many movie buffs. By now, you have probably heard complaints about Amy Adams and Annette Bening not making it into the ranks for Best Actress. Many feel Bening was quite deserving for her performance in 20th Century Woman. Even more thought 2017 was Adams’ year, as she knocked it out of the park in both Arrival (which got plenty of recognition) and Nocturnal Animals.

However, the Academy overlooked another stellar performance no one is talking about; my girlfriend in her role of being a total and utter bitch all the time. Not even Loving’s Ruth Negga or the transcendent Meryl Streep came close to the dedication and effort my girlfriend put into acting like a horrible bitch all the goddamn time. From her incessant nagging about me finding a real job (writing for an Internet blog is a noble pursuit, by the way) to her subtlety played looks of disappointment, her excellence is unmatched. Not too often is an actress able to completely transform into the role she takes on. Yet,  my girlfriend’s expertise and commitment results in a complete coalescence of player and character. Halfway through 2016, I couldn’t even tell the difference between my girlfriend and the raging bitch she acted like 24/7.

The Academy will try to hide behind technicalities, like my girlfriend not actually being in a film, let alone one that got theatrical distribution or her not actually being an actress. But a rose by any other name would smell as sweet and my girlfriend, SAG or not, still acts awful and bitchy all the time. If the Academy fails to recognize that, well I suppose there is nothing to be done.

Local Participates in Woman’s March, Still Locks Doors Whenever a Person of Color Passes Her House

Rochester, NY-Mary Starbrook is a stand up citizen: she participates in local government, votes on local elections, and is an active member of the community. However, something still seems to bother her. Whenever a person of color passes her house, she compulsively locks the door.

“Honestly it’s not by choice” says Mary, fidgeting with the several locks on her door, “I just think that the safety of my family is important”

Mary takes great care in talking with her community- from Honeoye Falls- Lima, where her children are enrolled at school. The mostly white community she says “has a great public school system that gives my children a better opportunity than those of the inner city” she states, shaking her head while saying so.

Like many Rochestarians, Mary was looking forward to the woman’s march, to voice her disapproval of the Trump presidency and provide solidarity to her fellow community members, so long as those community members were white middle to upper class liberals in the Rochester area.

“That’s not true, I have written a very strong letter praising the Black Lives Matter movement,” Mary said when interviewed. “It’s just that their meeting are so late at night and always talk about Martin Luther Prince- oh, I can never remember his name- but they just go on and on and- well obviously I need to drive my kids to school in the morning”

When asked to specify what she was protesting, Mary stated “well, liberty for everyone!” While cutting a person of color in line at Wegman’s.

Joe Biden Attempts to Break Back Into the White House to Retrieve Collectable Lynard Skynard Mug.

January 22, 2017

WASHINGTON – A mere two days after his final day as the Vice President of the United States, Joseph Biden was seen today attempting to break into a window to get back into the White House this Sunday morning.

When asked what he was doing, former Vice President  Biden said “I gotta get my Skynard mug! That things a collectible, I got it when I saw them on tour in ’72. Stole it from a girl after I bonked her in the bathroom. That things gotta be worth 15-20 bucks these days, thats an antique!”

He said as he continued to fish a wire hanger into the window in a fruitless attempt to break into one of the most secure buildings in the country.

Moments later, as the Secret Service closed in, President Biden screamed “Ditch your doobs!” as he threw what appeared to be a lit marijuana cigarette into the bushes and began scaling the nearest fence.

A Look Back At All The Sad Handjobs That Happened At Movies 10

Rochester,NY- A sad day has fallen upon Rochester; a beloved establishment is closing down. Cinemark Movies 10 in Brighton has given us such classics as “drunk guy vomiting in the front row” or “mother of six can’t believe what her kids are doing”. This movie theatre has served as a stomping ground for everyone who didn’t have the heart to spend twenty dollars a ticket at conventional movie theatres. To honor this fallen hero, here is a look back at some sad handjobs that took place at Movies 10.

Josh Hartwick, 19-

I’ll never forget the first time I went to movies 10, I took out this cute girl I met on tinder to go see the new Despicable Me 2. So I’m trying to make the moves on this girl, but she’s all like “We can’t do this here, don’t you see all these kids here”. So we went into the back row and I received my saddest handjob ever, I can’t say it was a life changing experience, but now I know what hot popcorn butter feels like on my dick.

David Burnette, 27-

Movies 10 was like handjob buffet for me, I mean it’s pretty much the only place I would ever get a handy anymore. This one chick I took there gave me my first handjob with both hands, crazy intense experience! Not to mention, Despicable Me 2 was so much funnier than the original. Is there anything Steve Carell can’t do?

Lenny Nultzer, 24

Are they really closing? This is crazy, where else am I supposed to get my handjobs? My car? I can’t watch Despicable Me 2 in my car? I use to have this routine with a couple of buddies where we would meet up at Movies 10 to see Despicable Me 2 and give each other handjobs in the back row. Where will we go now? Also, is there anything Steve Carell can’t do?

 

 

Vladimir Putin Caught Illegally Downloading Inauguration; Immediately Pardoned

St. Petersburg, USA – The GOP is fighting strongly against allegations that President Donald J. Trump has offered a pardon to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Putin was identified in a multinational downloading scheme. There, his username was confirmed to be “BackInTheUSSA” citing the hit The Beatles record that Putin is on record saying “I love that song [Back in the USSR] because it remind me of childhood. Its also kind of pun on my username on internets.”

Sources claim there have been no reports that Putin would face any disciplinary sentencing, but no one told that to President Donald J Trump. The newly inaugurated President took to the streets shortly after hearing the news. Wearing only his Presidential Onesie that Melania lovingly stitched “Unimpeachable” along the ass. He managed to climb up to the host stand of The White House Bar and Grill and proclaimed “My first act as President will be to pardon ol’ Putty for whatever thing he just told me to do.”

The President then denied reporters and passersby the chance to ask questions saying, “that’s all I want to do tonight. I have a new job on Monday.”

Fuck Rogue One,This is the Star Wars Movie You’ve Been Waiting For

By now, you’ve probably seen the newest of the Star Wars franchise, Rogue One. In a different article, we’d probably go into great detail about our opinions of Rogue One. Heck, you might even be chomping at the bit for the next installment of the franchise, and who can blame you? It’s not like theres any other movies about Stars and Wars.

But thats wrong because you’re wrong. Rogue One is dogshit and here is exactly why:

We all missed the greatest star wars movie ever made:

 

STARCRASH (1978) is the greatest and sloppiest space opera you’ve never seen. The plot synopsis reads:

An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.

Just by the trailer, you can tell this was a pretty hastily put together mess trying to bank off of A New Hopes massive fan draw, but it does so much more than just rip off A New Hope.

See, we all think that what Star Wars needs to do is to put more care and planning into the story and craft that go into its movies. But thats fucking A-10 wrongo because this movie proves that space movies are dope as hell when you just stop caring about anything relating to story or characters or even basic movie making. This movie doesn’t give a single dusty fuck what you think because its too busy being too fucking rad.

Here is a list of batshit crazy things that happen in this movie in no particular order:

-Invisible Space Blobs kills everyone

-David Hasselhoff shows up

-Space Babe Space Army

-Stop Motion Giant Robot Attack

-Cavemen?

-Texan Robot Sidekick

-Lasers all over the goddamn place

-Twin Murder Robots

-David Hasselhoff shooting lasers out of his goddamn face

-Lightsaber Caveman Slaughter

-Man Screaming “ZABAAA! ZABADAAAAN!” as he explodes

And if none of that entices you, you’re a fucking monster and whenever you throw parties people spit on the floor without telling you.

But if any of that does entice you, let me ploppy-wop a little cherry on this sundae-

you can watch it for free, right now.

 

This movie was put up for free onto youtube, along with a host of other late 70’s to early 80’s schlocky sci-fi and Star Wars rip offs. But this? This is art, pure and simple.

You will watch this, and you will see that nothing Lucasarts or Disney can churn out will ever compare to this movie.