By now, you’ve probably seen the newest of the Star Wars franchise, Rogue One. In a different article, we’d probably go into great detail about our opinions of Rogue One. Heck, you might even be chomping at the bit for the next installment of the franchise, and who can blame you? It’s not like theres any other movies about Stars and Wars.
But thats wrong because you’re wrong. Rogue One is dogshit and here is exactly why:
We all missed the greatest star wars movie ever made:
STARCRASH (1978) is the greatest and sloppiest space opera you’ve never seen. The plot synopsis reads:
An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.
Just by the trailer, you can tell this was a pretty hastily put together mess trying to bank off of A New Hopes massive fan draw, but it does so much more than just rip off A New Hope.
See, we all think that what Star Wars needs to do is to put more care and planning into the story and craft that go into its movies. But thats fucking A-10 wrongo because this movie proves that space movies are dope as hell when you just stop caring about anything relating to story or characters or even basic movie making. This movie doesn’t give a single dusty fuck what you think because its too busy being too fucking rad.
Here is a list of batshit crazy things that happen in this movie in no particular order:
-Invisible Space Blobs kills everyone
-David Hasselhoff shows up
-Space Babe Space Army
-Stop Motion Giant Robot Attack
-Texan Robot Sidekick
-Lasers all over the goddamn place
-Twin Murder Robots
-David Hasselhoff shooting lasers out of his goddamn face
-Lightsaber Caveman Slaughter
-Man Screaming “ZABAAA! ZABADAAAAN!” as he explodes
And if none of that entices you, you’re a fucking monster and whenever you throw parties people spit on the floor without telling you.
But if any of that does entice you, let me ploppy-wop a little cherry on this sundae-
you can watch it for free, right now.
This movie was put up for free onto youtube, along with a host of other late 70’s to early 80’s schlocky sci-fi and Star Wars rip offs. But this? This is art, pure and simple.
You will watch this, and you will see that nothing Lucasarts or Disney can churn out will ever compare to this movie.