Man Who Sent Dick Pic Over Facebook Messenger Doesn’t Understand “Satire”

Rochester, NY- Keith Edmond is what many would describe as a man who enjoys the simpler things in life: a glass of red wine, sunsets over High Falls, and sending pictures of his erect penis to women over Facebook messenger.

Recently, Keith discovered a number of news articles and videos that have confused him greatly. Articles about Trump making secret deals with the illuminati, police switching to commemorative bullets for Fredrick Douglas, and debate videos where the candidates lip sync Brittany Spears instead of debating.

After snapping his newest dick pic to smash out over Facebook messenger, Keith mentioned how “Nobody is talking about this weird stuff,” looking at many articles and commenting “I can’t believe this is real!!!”

“I just don’t get it”, he says, re-notching his belt to cover his putrid member, “Like all these articles and videos are out there saying all these crazy news things, and I’m like, ‘are these real?’ and people are like ‘Naw Keith, they’re jokes’ and I’m all like, ‘I don’t get it man’. Oh shit, I forgot that this bitch needs to see my dick.”

He then undid his pants again and took a picture of his penis.

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Danny Wegmans Leaves Wife For 7″ Hot Ham, Capocollo, Salami Sub

“My ex wife may be upset but I never hid that this beauty was my real favorite” said the newly remarried Danny Wegmans.

The regional supermarket owner shocked Western New York this week by divorcing his wife for a cold sandwich made by one of the 16 year-olds who works at his store.

“Honestly, I’m liberal, and I really have no idea how to come down on this one” said Clark the Wegmans Sandwich Artist whom crafted Danny’s new wife. Adding that he felt uncomfortable when Danny told him to “hold the mayo because I will be adding my own!”
The Inner Loop had exclusive access to the marriage ceremony and this reporter can honestly say it was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. I will never forget Danny’s vows when he said:

 

7″ Hot Ham, Capocollo, Salami Sub. My Darling. Many people say that you are nothing   more than a Seeded Roll made of Enriched Flour, Water, Yeast, containing 2% or less of:         Wheat Gluten, Whole Eggs, Salt, Vegetable Oil, Dextrose, Emulsifiers Malted Barley       Flour, Soy Flour, Corn Grits, Sugar, Citric Acid, and Sesame Seeds. With Hot Ham       coated with: Water, Paprika, Sugar, Spices, Spice and cured with: Water, Dextrose which  contains 2% or less of: Salt, Modified Cornstarch, Sugar, Sodium Phosphate and      Flavorings. Some people even say that you’re just Capocollo made of Boneless Pork         Shoulder Butt coated with Paprika and cured with Water, Salt, Sugar, Sodium           Phosphate, Spices, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite, and Natural Spice Extractives.             Other people say your Genoa Salami is nothing but Pork, Salt, Sugar, Wine, Spices, Flavorings, Sodium Erythorbate, Lactic Acid Starter            Culture, Sodium Nitrate, BHA, BHT,            CitricAcid. Hell they even say you have nothing going for you but your Tomatoes,    Provolone Cheese made of Pasteurized Milk, Cheese Culture, Enzymes, with Organic           Red and Green Leaf Lettuce and that you may contains Mayonnaise and Mustard. BUT             BABY THOSE ARE JUST YOUR INGREDIENTS! YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE TO ME!

 

No word from Danny’s now ex-wife but based on the settlement, The Inner Loop is predicting her “favorite sandwich” will be made of some serious bread. (Bread is slang for money which was used by rappers in the early 90s. We are not sure if this is still in the popular vernacular. We apologize if this offended anyone.)

98PXY To Have Another Summer Jam Bullshit Music Thing Again

Rochester,NY- As the snow begins to melt, we can only prepare ourselves for the onslaughts of local DJ’s filling our ears with the next “Big thing” happening this summer and how we have to be there or how lit it’s going to be. No other radio station reminds us of this constantly than 98pxy. Believe it or not, they are having another “Summer Jam” show filled with mediocre artist who will probably not be around for more than a year and I’m sure someway somehow, Jason Derulo will find his way amongst their line up like a cokehead in the scotch house bathroom. We spoke with a couple local Rochesterians to see how “excited” they are for this yearly event.This is what David Jasper from Webster had to say.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll be going, to be honest with you, I pretty much have to go, with my girlfriend being nineteen,  she would forget all about the fact I have no real inspirations in life or I’m slowly becoming an alcoholic right in front of her eyes, thank god for 98PXY Summer Jam. Nothing says fresh outta high school jailbait like summer jam. Also, I heard Jason Derulo might be there this year. I like a couple of songs of his.”

Rochester Police Switch to Commemorative Frederick Douglass Bullets for Black History Month

Rochester, NY- Police Chief Michael Ciminelli announced that Rochester police officers will be switching to commemorative bullets honoring famous abolitionist and social reformer, Frederick Douglass for the month of February. The engraved bullets depict Douglass and feature several quotes from his most famous speeches.

Frederick Douglass of course lived in Rochester when he began publishing the abolitionist newspaper The North Star. Douglass lived in Rochester for the majority of his life and was buried in Mount Hope Cemetery, along with Susan B. Anthony.

Mayor Lovely Warren said of the gesture, “That’s a step in the right direction, I guess.” She then bit down on her pen so hard the clicky part broke.

Satan To Add East Ave Wegmans Parking Lot As Tenth Circle Of Hell

Rochester,NY- Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery. These are the nine circles of hell, but today is a big day. Satan has just announced that this year they are set to add the east avenue Wegmans parking lot as a much awaited tenth circle of hell. We spoke with the leader of hellfire himself to see how excited he is for this new addition.

“You know, the minute I drove into the east avenue Wegmans parking lot, I knew it was a match made in hell. Seriously, it has to be one of the most disorganized, chaotic messes I’ve ever seen or had to be apart of! This is coming from a guy who single-handedly created the bubonic plague! I mean I love Wegmans, don’t get me wrong, but were they trying to create a new circle of hell for me? It feels like it, you know I thought the circle of gluttony and lust was a pretty raw deal, but I can’t wait to see the face on some of the newcomers when they realize they’re stuck in a never-ending bumper to bumper of the wegmans parking lot. Very excited for this new addition and I can’t wait to hear some of the feedback from the regulars”

Satan plans on adding this circle in the next month or so. He said he even may have potential plans for an eleventh circle of hell being a guy who can’t remember his Netflix password to save his life.