Guy Holding Dead Deer In Tinder Profile Doesn’t Understand Why He Cant Find A Date

Rochester,NY- David Steinfield has been on Tinder for the past six months with only an occasional like here and there, he’s frustrated, alone and doesnt understand whats going wrong. Seen in his profile picture David is holding a recently deceased buck that he himself killed. He felt that holding this dead animal covered in blood would be the perfect trick for nabbing some successful dates with some of the girls located on the R.I.T Campus. We spoke with David to see how he is dealing with this frustration.

” You know, I’ve heard Tinder was a great hook up app and I just thought to myself that there were so many bitches to be slayed and I knew just how to get them. Nothing gets girls more interested in yah than holding some freshly innocent deceased animal that you just slayed for no other reason than posting a picture about it on your Facebook page”

David has informed us at this current time he has no tinder dates lined up and he is hoping is foray into craigslist personals will bring him more luck.

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7 Summer Activities for Rochester Natives

As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience!  But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again.  That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City!  So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!

1.  Smoke a joint before you go out to brunch!

If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends.  But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count.  And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really fucking high in the parking lot before you head in!  It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!

2.  Hit your friend Paul’s bong and go see a movie at The Little Theater!

The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music.  What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film!  If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway.  The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.

3.  Roll a blunt and see a show at the planetarium!

We know, this one is a cliché!  People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s.  But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity!  Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is.  I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right?  What if they were high now, too?  And talking about us?????  Omg this is too much.  I think I need to leave.

4.  Bring your bowl with you for a hike in Corbett’s Glen!

If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves.  Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat!  Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended!  It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.

5.  Do a dab and check out Mt. Hope Cemetery!

A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart.  Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying.  This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place.  But the fun doesn’t have to stop there!  Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality!  The possibilities are endless!

6.  Eat a pot brownie and go to The Strong Museum of Play!

*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity.  Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*

This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free.  So buckle up, partner!  You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god!  One just landed on your arm!  It’s okay to cry, friend.  We’ve all been there.

7.  Go to Wegmans.

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South Wedge Easter Egg Hunt Took A Terrible Turn When All The Eggs Hatched In Unison.

 

Rochester,NY- “We wanted our kids to have fun for Easter but also use this as a teaching moment about animal cruelty and the disgusting practice of factory farming” said Dawson Kreek father of Egg Hunters Bracken, Auden, and Fenton. “But then the eggs starting hatching and we, pardon the pun, all have egg on our face. Our children think we’re monsters.”

 

It wasn’t too soon after the official egg hunt whistle blew that all of the slightly hidden easter eggs started hatching. Soon the streets of the South Wedge were filled with new-born chicks. But since the eggs had been half boiled and dyed per the Easter tradition, the majority of chicks were born heavily deformed and dyed bright colors.

 

The South Wedge Family Counseling Service has made themselves available for any child suffering from PTCD (post traumatic chick dysmorphia).

Child Finds Dirty Needle during Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt

Rochester, NY- Panic struck a family friendly event today.  At the annual Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt, a child found an apparently used hypodermic needle in the sand. A story that normally would shock most has had a bit of a strange reaction from the public.  Mayor of Charlotte Beach (as decided by his dominate number of check-ins on Foursquare), Scott Herman, commented on the story, saying “that’s not even close to the worse thing we have found.”

In years past the Easter Egg Hunt has been a family friendly event but each year it is ruined by the discovery of some sort of contraband. “Nothing was worse than the 2008 hunt,” said Foursquare Mayor Herman. “That was the year we found all that evidence from the Alphabet Killings.” Some of the other things included in their findings over the years include; a disposable Kodak camera with tasteful nudes of former Mayor Bob Duffy on it, a human hand holding a knife and two people having sex dressed as Red Wing’s mascots Spikes and Mittsy.

The police are still trying to figure out whether or not the child who found the needle didn’t plant it there himself. Law enforcement officials say, “Kids of all ages are getting into smack now a days, that kid could have just gotten all juiced up and stashed it to hide the evidence.

Mayor Herman tells us that he hopes the findings don’t deter people from participating for years to come.  “That is the fun of an Easter Egg Hunt. You never know what you’re going to find!” says Herman.  “It’s like searching for a piece of history!”

Argument Over Trump Dies Before Easter Dinner, Rises Again Three Hours Later

Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry.  Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of America. Chaos further ensued, the family broke off into an all out Biblical war, shame and guilt were the primary weapons in this battle of politics. Luckily, Brenda Northrup was able to settle the chaos right before dinner was about to be served.

Yet something was brewing during dinner, something that couldn’t be explained. Even though the discussion was crucified and put to rest in a deep dark place, you could feel something brewing amongst the family. Little Joey in the corner spoke of how he just knew that this conversation wasnt done just yet, his mother scolded him, telling him to stop such nonsense, we all saw this conversation die with our own eyes. There is no way it could possibly come back to life!

Yet, rise from the grave it did! With Uncle Davids last bite into those mashed potatoes, came roaring from life that President Trump is the only real president we’ve had in the past twenty years! Just like that the conversation that was seen put to rest was no alive in front of them performing all sorts of miracles! The plates miraculously rose from their place and hit the wall with an earth shattering sound! The ground shook as the stubbornness of the devout conservative spat his words across the masses with a fire unlike any other seen before its time! This was truly an easter miracle happening in front of the Northrup family. The time for the return was now and they all had front row seats to the miracle of this rebirth.

 

Edit: The Innerloop doesnt believe in God or bunnies.

Easter Miracle: After 3 days down, United Airlines stock Rises again

New York, NY- While it was a nightmare week for the United Airlines Public Relations team, their financial team is celebrating after somehow their stock just has risen from the dead.

“It truly goes to show that even if your CEO straight up defends beating up old Chinese dudes, things can return to normal” says United Junior Account Manager Brian McGorgmult. “The public truly has no attention span. They make their memes for a few days, get bored, and move onto something else. I hate to say it but I think Charlie Murphy dying is the best thing that has ever happened to our company.”

It’s truly a miracle that a the company could see a boost in trading on Wall Street after such a tumultuous week. Shares of United fell as much as 6.3% in pre-market trading, and dropped $1.4 billion from the now $21 billion company by market cap.

We asked our financial expert at The Inner Loop what this all means and he said: “Stop calling me Shane. I am your fathers accountant. You have no money. Why are you doing a blog for free? Are you an idiot?”

 

Rochester Airport Employees To Start Sucker Punching Passengers At Will

Rochester,NY- Due to the now nationally known incident at United Airlines, Rochester Airport has now decided to jump on the bandwagon and has given their employees full permission to sucker punch any person on an airplane for no reason whatsoever. This decision was made to really let people know that the Rochester airport is not just some “safe place” where nothing really happens and just kind of lame. This is a new campaign to show the Rochester airport can be dangerous and news worthy! We spoke with Adrian Schultz a flight attendant for the Rochester airport for over twenty years to see how she’s taking the news.

” When it was first announced, I was skeptical, but now I feel so empowered! The other day this older man was just asking me if we had sparkling water and I hit him so hard in the mouth he swallowed his dentures! Who knew punching complete strangers could be so freeing! I love sneaking up on people who are trying to nap and punching them right in their naive little ears. I heard we get a nice little bonus if it’s a person of color! I love working here!”

Rochester airport has declined to respond if they are offering a christmas bonus for yelling the most racial slurs while passengers are boarding their flight.