The Five News Stories You Missed While The Mainstream Media Obsessed Over Mike Pence Eating With His Wife

Birds can’t still can’t participate in the olympics! 

What the fuck is this shit?! How do you expect people to co exist when the graceful swan is still not allowed to compete in the 40 meter dash?! I for one will not eat until this injustice is corrected, who’s with me?!

Dennys stills exists 

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, dennys is the portal to the underworld. It must be destroyed! how many more countless souls will be bewitched into succeeding their souls to the dark under lord because of that accursed-ed “grand slamwhich” before we do something?!

Inter dimensional robots have taken over talk radio

We’ve all heard the rumors, We all know what’s going on here. Hell, all you have to do is walk into a crowded gazebo, Ferris wheel line, or where ever it is that the youths of your town congregate and it’s all you’ll hear… the talk of how all of the good talk radio shows are gone and have been replaced with the lamest inter dimensional robots that have ever breathed electrons into a microphone. I mean talk about snoresville I for one won’t remain silent, Yet the mainstream media hasn’t said a thing.

Everybody in North Dakota has three eyebrows

How long has this been going on!? Was anybody going to tell us this shit?! No of course not, because the lame stream media is bought and paid for by the big eyebrow lobby. Never willing to admit that maybe eyebrow experiments have gone too far. Well now look at what’s happened! A state full of mothers, fathers, and children cast aside and forgotten about. These freaks will never find love and our government and news couldn’t care less!

Iceland threw their corrupt politicians and bankers into prison. 

Seriously look this up. It didn’t happen recently but it did happen. They don’t want you to know about it because they are scared of you, of us. But we can take these pieces of shit down together, we are strong enough. It is only a matter of time before their empire collapses like they always do and will.

I wanted to mark them one through five but my phone was being weird. Also if a more recent news story comes out I’m fine with replacing the pence thing with that.

Kisses, Justin 

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Author: Colonmichael2020

Writer, comedian, barista and someone who takes time out his day to bring you things I find important. BE GONE FROM MY PRESENCE!

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