Incredible! Woman Captures Perfect Selfie And Obtains Nirvana!

Rochester,NY- It was just a normal Thursday afternoon for Sandra Butterscotch when she stumbled upon the experience of a lifetime. “It was amazing, I almost can’t describe it. I just locked eyes with myself and snapped the shot. I couldn’t believe how perfect the lighting and the angle was. I just wanted to share it with the world.” She recalled telling us the tale. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until I started getting more likes on the post than I had friends. It was like whoa, something big is happening here.”

Sandra has since moved to the mountains of Eastern Asia to teach her ways. This is where we met with her to discuss the events. “It was right around ten million likes that I realized, that we are all connected and that the self is just an illusion. There is so much more to consciousness than just what our six senses allow us to perceive in this one physical reality.” She goes on. “But I’d say the number one key to ALL of this, is probably the Valencia filter type.

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Post DUI Disbarment, ROC Judge Astacio Excited To Start New Career As Uber Driver

Rochester,NY- Judge Astacio was convicted of drunken driving back in August of 2016. Since then she has pleaded guilty to violating her conditional discharge amongst other fantastic stories including a situation where she was nearly pepper sprayed in the bathroom of the Papaya Asian Kitchen and Bar at Marketplace Mall.

While Astacio has been stripped of all her judicial duties and barred from non-public areas of the courthouse, she still currently holds the title of an elected judge and collects an annual salary of $173,700.

Just FYI, all of the proceeding will be made up, but everything stated above is legit true. Imagine getting essentially fired but still getting $173,700 a year, and you spend your free time vacationing and getting drunk at the mall? Did you go to law-school or get a degree in How To Be A Step Dad? It makes you wonder how good the food is at that Papaya Asian Kitchen that literally no one else in Rochester goes to.

Anyways… back to the fake news.
With Uber finally coming to Rochester in July, Judge Astacio has a chance to switch careers, and give back to the community that gave her a  $173,700 salary to drive drunk and pick fights in bathrooms.

“I mean I would be really uncomfortable being picked up by a lady who has driven drunk multiple times, but anything is better than the taxi’s in this city” says Alex Werthering of Rochester.

When we reached out to Uber, their Public Relations representative Todd Shalten told us “we have no idea how she got past our criminal background check. I promise she won’t be an Uber driver.”

Argument Over Trump Dies Before Easter Dinner, Rises Again Three Hours Later

Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry.  Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of […]

Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry.  Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of America. Chaos further ensued, the family broke off into an all out Biblical war, shame and guilt were the primary weapons in this battle of politics. Luckily, Brenda Northrup was able to settle the chaos right before dinner was about to be served.

Yet something was brewing during dinner, something that couldn’t be explained. Even though the discussion was crucified and put to rest in a deep dark place, you could feel something brewing amongst the family. Little Joey in the corner spoke of how he just knew that this conversation wasnt done just yet, his mother scolded him, telling him to stop such nonsense, we all saw this conversation die with our own eyes. There is no way it could possibly come back to life!

Yet, rise from the grave it did! With Uncle Davids last bite into those mashed potatoes, came roaring from life that President Trump is the only real president we’ve had in the past twenty years! Just like that the conversation that was seen put to rest was no alive in front of them performing all sorts of miracles! The plates miraculously rose from their place and hit the wall with an earth shattering sound! The ground shook as the stubbornness of the devout conservative spat his words across the masses with a fire unlike any other seen before its time! This was truly an easter miracle happening in front of the Northrup family. The time for the return was now and they all had front row seats to the miracle of this rebirth.

 

Edit: The Innerloop doesnt believe in God or bunnies.

Rochester’s Revolving Restaurant To Be Replaced With A Fidget Spinner

Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.

“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”

The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”

The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?

 

 

Traffic Cop In Wegmans Parking Lot Has Seen Humanity At It’s Worst

Rochester,NY- Devin Baxter knew he always wanted to be a cop. He remembers playing cops and robbers with his friends during sleepovers and just thinking to himself, how great it’s going to be when one day he finally gets to chase down the bad guys. Fast forward to twenty years later and Devin is finally living his dream. Yet, his new assignment has been one of his toughest jobs in recent years. He’s been assigned to the east ave Wegmans parking lot for the past six months. We spoke with Devin to see how this job has affected his mental health and his life.

” I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my line of work, but I really don’t think anything would’ve prepared me for this job. I’ve seen people run over old women, parking spaces covered with cans of Wegmans tomato sauce. Racial slurs being tossed back and forth by drivers. You want to see humanity at its worst, come down to east ave wegmans parking lot. These people dont care about anything except a dinner served with fresh avocados. I tell my kids every night to avoid this place, you have to keep your children safe at the end of the day.”

Here’s the five news stories you missed while the media obsessed over Comey getting fired.

1. Huge voter turnouts for the 89th district’s new comptroller. People from all over the community came out in droves yesterday to participate in democracy. It was a beautiful sight, almost as beautiful as the play I put on that none of my friends came to see. I’m not mad and if anything it’s their loss. But nevertheless it was a wonderful day for the 89th district and I for one hope there is many more.

2. There were Oil spills from many pipelines last week, leaving many Americans concerned. Hmmm that’s interesting because I was concerned when it was 5 minutes to show time and the theatre space I’d rented was almost empty! Where are all my friends who said they’d be here? I asked myself. But was found to be let down once again, just like how America was let down by these spills.

3. Protest turned violent. The university of Berkeley, which is a hotspot for political unrest, Erupted in a violent clash between ideologies last week. Kind of like how my ideology of what makes a friend a friend clashed with the cold horror of nobody showing up to support my play last night. And it’s like, just tell me you’re not gonna go if you’re not gonna go. Like don’t lie to my face about it.

4. No! You know what I’m sick of being passive about this. You are all giant pieces of human trash! I’ve been talking about this play for weeks and have been writing it for YEARS! That’s it I’m doing it for real this time, I’m going to kill myself. I’m not bluffing this time. I might have been bluffing the other 16 times but no, I’ve had enough. And it’s all your fault! All of you!! I will be mentioning each one of you by name in my suicide note so the whole world knows what you did! I hope it haunts you forever and prevents you from sleeping at night you pieces of sub human garbage!!!!

5. The lilac festival is wrapping up and these local puppers couldn’t be happier 🙂

Guy Wearing “Make America Great Again” Sombrero Feels Like An Outsider At Party

Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”.  David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.

” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”

David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.