Rochester N.Y. – The people of Rochester have lived in the shadow of a vicious hell beast for too long. For years, the tyranny of Time Warner Cable has imprisoned us and a dark cloud of fear and hate has covered the city. But no longer will we live in terror, for it is a new day. Spectrum Cable President and CEO, Tom Rutledge, has vanquished the Time Warner Cable Demon.
Armed with only his mighty sword Dáinsleif, the lost sword of King Högni, and his own strength and determination, Rutledge stormed the castle walls to the lair of the beast. Determined to cast Time Warner Cable back to the bowels of hell from whence it came, Rutledge the Mighty fought tooth and nail to bring peace to Upstate New York. The battle raged on, some say for days, others for weeks. In the chaos of the fight, Rutledge raised his mighty sword high above his head; a bolt of lightning struck the blade. In one fell swoop, Rutledge thrust his sword through the heart of the beast. Its villainous core erupted with black smoke and the Time Warner Cable Demon wailed in agony as its ashen blood poured from its unhealable wound.
“Back, back to hell you go, I command it!” bellowed Tom, “you’ll do know more evil here, set your customers free from the curse of your unfair rates and insane contract stipulations!!!” And with speed of Spectrum’s lightning quick internet, Rutledge swung his sword one last time, lopping the head of the beast completely off of his body. It was done, the fiery clouds cleared, beams of sunshine broke through. The murky, grim waters of the Genesee ran crystal clear once again and at last, Time Warner Cable had fallen. Our hero, Tom Rutledge, President and CEO of Spectrum Cable, hobbled his way to the town square to meet the people waiting for him and in triumph, raised the head of the demon high in the air and yelled, “IT’S A NEW DAY!”