City of Rochester asks FEMA for emergency airdrop of 10 tons of Ibuprofen for bros still hungover from Park Ave Fest.

Rochester,NY- Now that the annual Park Avenue Festival has come to a close, The City of Rochester has found itself in a state of emergency as thousands of dudes and bros have found themselves still hungover from the weekend’s festivities.

The city has requested that FEMA airdrop 10 tons of Ibuprofen into the heart of downtown Rochester and are asking fellow citizens to donate Gatorade and hashbrowns to local shelters.

Rochester police have also been trained on how to administer Alka-Seltzer to victims in need.

“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

5 Residents Dead After Mistaking Food Truck Rodeo For Actual Rodeo

Rochester, NY-  Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo.  Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around.  Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns.  Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.

Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties:  Wren Staar and Felix Rolins.  The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful.  “It just seemed so natural, you know?  So serene.”  recalled Onyx.  ”  I wish I could have been a part of it, actually.  Could you imagine going out like that?  It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”

A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost.  The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.

Scientist Discover That Fried Dough Is The #1 Reason You’re A Fat Single Piece Of Shit

Rochester,NY-  A shocking new study is taking the nation by storm, scientist have now discovered that fried dough is definitely the number one reason you’re a fat single piece of shit. It has taken the number one spot away from being ” You have a horrible personality”. We we’re able to speak Tricia Berman, one of the scientist who helped discover this major breakthrough. This what she had to say.

” After years of researching and failed studies after failed studies, It was so nice to finally uncover the truth to this mystery for so long, so many people out there are fat single pieces of shit, but no one knew exactly why! Sure we had our theories, there was the mountain dew theory, the tiny penis syndrome theory. Yet nothing was quite as clear as eating excessive amounts of fried dough definitely being the reason most americans are fat single pieces of shit. I can finally rest easy at night knowing that americans have finally learned the truth about their terrible fate.”

Tricia spoke with us and let us know her team is working hard on their next study of “Are people who argue about politics actually making any difference?”

Park Ave Festival To Be Replace By Middle Aged White Guy Mansplaining Equality

Rochester,NY- In a shocking turn of events, it seems that the city officials have cancelled the Park Avenue festival and have now turned to a different theme all together. Instead of the usual food trucks, unique accessories and just overall drunkenness, it will just be a lone middle aged white guy by the name of Chad who will be walking up and down all of Park Avenue mansplaining equality to everybody who walks by. We spoke with Chad to see how he’s handling this responsibility.

” When I was first approached about this job, I was skeptical, I mean could I, a simple middle-aged white guy , replace a festival of drunk white people eating pizza out of a food truck and considering it cultured, then I thought back to my nice ancestral white roots and realized I can damn near do anything I want. Plus equality is an important topic to me, white people have it just as hard as any other race out there. Sometimes due to my genetics I can’t be outside on sunny days without sun tan lotion, I mean talk about having it rough.

If you want to hear chad mansplaining this weekend, just look for the guy wearing a rusted root t-shirt and wearing sandals that are one size too big for him.

 

Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull shit on his car every fucking day.

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.