Rochester,NY- Say goodbye to the Medley Centre and say hello to Rochester’s first ever “Sarlacc Pit.”
At a special press conference this afternoon the new owner of the Medley Centre announced the plans for the future of the ghost invested former commerce center.
“It’s a real pity that Irondequoit has been home to this eyesore for so long. There has always been something sar-lacking if you catch my drift. I’m talking about a mother-fugging Sarlacc Pit my dudes!”
The former mall has laid dormant since 2009 when the last tenants left the site. The property, and nine adjoining parcels, for $100,000 at a 2016 auction by a self-described “Star Wars Fanatic.”
“I figure this will put Rochester on the map. This will be the first Sarlacc Pit on Earth! We could throw so much garbage in there come on!”
We reached out to Irondequoit Mayors who sent us this note:
Literally anything would be better looking than the mess that is the medley centre. Even
a giant Star Wars sand butt-hole with teeth.
Rochester N.Y. – Marissa Collins is a normal 27 year old young professional. She has a good job, a bustling social life and a boyfriend of three years whom she plans to spend the rest of her life with. Marissa has always wanted a family but knows that her youth is important to her and doesn’t want her life to take a turn due to an unplanned pregnancy. A long time birth control user, Marissa has taken a leap of faith by cancelling her birth control prescription and trading it in for a season pass to Seabreeze Family Fun Park.
“The time spent at Seabreeze is an obviously more efficient and more practical form of birth control,” said Marissa. “Who wants to have their alarm embarrassingly go off once a day, alerting everyone nearby that you are actively pre-aborting fetuses before they are even made.”
Marissa tells us that instead of taking a pill daily, she spends a half a day at the amusement park once a week and it extinguishes any ability of her own to procreate and conceive a child. “The throngs of screaming spawn, running around the park with pee in their pants and hair may as well be a chastity belt with a melted key,” says Collins’ longtime boyfriend, Nathan Brown. “It’s frustrating at times, but the days her and I spend at the park are fun, and I can barely get a boner anymore as it is after having my groin scrunched by roller coaster constraints so many times.”
We asked the couple if they planned on one day having a child of their own to bring to the park and enjoy in the fun, to which Marissa replied with laughter, “Maybe one day, when they bring back the Gyrosphere.” But for now, the pair seem content with their decision to keep their genitals dormant like sleeping volcanos. “After seeing how simple it is for any old set of idiots to make a grosser, smaller version of themselves, the thought of birthing a child seems to have lost its luster for me,” said Ms. Collins, “Now get out of my way, I need to try and sneak this cotton candy onto the Jack Rabbit.”
Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.
“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”
Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.
It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.
Rochester,NY- Now that the annual Park Avenue Festival has come to a close, The City of Rochester has found itself in a state of emergency as thousands of dudes and bros have found themselves still hungover from the weekend’s festivities.
The city has requested that FEMA airdrop 10 tons of Ibuprofen into the heart of downtown Rochester and are asking fellow citizens to donate Gatorade and hashbrowns to local shelters.
Rochester police have also been trained on how to administer Alka-Seltzer to victims in need.
Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”
“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.
As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.
“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”
Rochester, NY- Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo. Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around. Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns. Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.
Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties: Wren Staar and Felix Rolins. The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful. “It just seemed so natural, you know? So serene.” recalled Onyx. ” I wish I could have been a part of it, actually. Could you imagine going out like that? It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”
A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost. The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.
Rochester,NY- A shocking new study is taking the nation by storm, scientist have now discovered that fried dough is definitely the number one reason you’re a fat single piece of shit. It has taken the number one spot away from being ” You have a horrible personality”. We we’re able to speak Tricia Berman, one of the scientist who helped discover this major breakthrough. This what she had to say.
” After years of researching and failed studies after failed studies, It was so nice to finally uncover the truth to this mystery for so long, so many people out there are fat single pieces of shit, but no one knew exactly why! Sure we had our theories, there was the mountain dew theory, the tiny penis syndrome theory. Yet nothing was quite as clear as eating excessive amounts of fried dough definitely being the reason most americans are fat single pieces of shit. I can finally rest easy at night knowing that americans have finally learned the truth about their terrible fate.”
Tricia spoke with us and let us know her team is working hard on their next study of “Are people who argue about politics actually making any difference?”