Pack of Lone Wolves Terrorize Desert Town in Nevada

LAS VEGAS – A pack of lone wolves that has been terrorizing the United States since 1982 wreaked havoc on a sleepy Nevada city, forcing an innocent white man to shoot one of his many automatic rifles into a crowd of people enjoying a quiet Sunday brunch with music from local bands. Hundreds were injured, and 59 people perished thanks to this pack of lone wolves. They then forced the man to turn the gun on himself and fled the scene before authorities could apprehend them and stop their murderous, decades long rampage.

The REAL victim, Stephen Paddock, was enjoying a quiet night with 23 of his favorite firearms in his 32nd floor room in the Mandalay Bay bed & breakfast. Police hypothesize that the lone wolves broke into his room door using a swiped key card, loaded his weapons, and positioned Paddock to murder 59 people and injure 527 others. The chaos that entailed has since been gripping the nation, causing them to ponder the reason these lone wolves keep doing this, and why they target such innocent white men. Not counting domestic violence, Lone Wolves have forced 134 people to shoot into public crowds since 1966. Most of these shooters are male and white. Lone Wolves have forced white men to kill 949 people.

Lone Wolves target very specific people. After the men are apprehended or killed, you realize how innocent they are. Most of them are quiet and keep to themselves. They were single loners, came from good homes, had very adorable elementary school and high school pictures, and they often loved their families. Often they are fragile of ego, but they are fine as long as someone strokes their ego incessantly. Sometimes there was a period of time that they may or may not have had a personality disorder or a mental illness, but for the most part they were socially stable angels and pillars of their communities. It may be just coincidence that they own an attic full of nazi paraphernalia or a bootleg copy of The Anarchist Cookbook or a pile of pornographic magazines with the eyes of the models cut out? The Lone Wolves often target these poor men, but they are nice guys, as the family assure everyone. Sometimes the men themselves assure you that they are nice guys in a long written or video manifesto.

No one knows why Lone Wolves do this to such quiet white men, but some believe it is because of their concern for mental health or Chicago or “black on black” crime things that are “too soon”, as these are the subjects most often brought up when they force these innocent white men to kill others and sometimes themselves. No matter what, though, they definitely do NOT want to bring attention to gun regulation in the country.

Authorities continue to search for the pack of lone wolves. If you have any information, just go into hiding, as authorities will not pay attention to them until they’ve made another innocent white man kill people.

 

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Local Racist Harassed by Abolitionist Ghost

BRIGHTON, NY – Hilton resident Will Forberg has not had a good week. He came from his class at Monroe Community College to find the confederate flag affixed to his car had been vandalized. He immediately took to Twitter to express his dismay, saying:

“Shout out to the nigger at mcc who vandalized my confederate flag…you’ll be a white mans property soon enough give trump time”.

So angry was he that he did not see the irony in using black slang (“Shout out”) to denigrate black people. Poor Will also did not realize that New York was a Union state during the Civil War and that the confederate flag is not only the flag of the losing side, but also the symbol quickly adopted by such white supremacist groups as the Ku Klux Klan and Mississippi who wished to intimidate and murder people of color after the collapse of Reconstruction. It is speculated that history classes at MCC are only in the spring semester, which is why Mr. Forberg was ignorant of these facts.

Two days after the vandalization of Mr. Forberg’s American Swastika flag, the assailant came forward. In a short tweet and screen capture image of Will Forberg’s tweet. A Twitter handle by the name of @DeadDouglass stated boldly:

“Yeah, I did it! And you can’t catch me, because I’ve been dead for over 100 years! Whatcha gon’ do now, Lil’ Willy?”

The ghost of Frederick Douglass claimed credit for vandalizing Will Forberg’s flag and used his Twitter account to brag about it. There is no protocol for punishing a ghost for destruction of property, as there is no way to try a dead person for committing crimes. Mr. Forberg has not yet come back to class, as even though Monroe Community College announced that it may do nothing about his statement, or the fact that he proudly displayed a symbol of hate on the campus in direct violation of its student code of conduct. Some speculate that he realized that there are black people on the campus, and he is afraid that they will give him a stern talking to, as black people are known to do.

Frederick Douglass was born into slavery in Talbot County, MD in 1818. He taught himself to read and escaped his life of servitude in his 20s and traveled through Pennsylvania, New York City, Massachusetts and even Great Britain and Ireland, before settling in 1847 in Rochester. Though he died living in Washington, DC as a federal US Marshal, his body is buried in Mt. Hope Cemetery next to his first wife. Since his death, he has been active on Twitter since Donald Trump errantly thought he was alive. Douglass thought it was a call to action and has been harassing bigots from beyond the grave while trying to convince Donald Trump that he is most definitely dead. Due to a Ouija board malfunction, Mr. Douglass could not be contacted for a statement.

 

Medley Centre Owner Announces Plan For Future: “Two words: Sarlacc Pit”

Rochester,NY- Say goodbye to the Medley Centre and say hello to Rochester’s first ever “Sarlacc Pit.”

At a special press conference this afternoon the new owner of the Medley Centre announced the plans for the future of the ghost invested former commerce center.

“It’s a real pity that Irondequoit has been home to this eyesore for so long. There has always been something sar-lacking if you catch my drift. I’m talking about a mother-fugging Sarlacc Pit my dudes!”

The former mall has laid dormant since 2009 when the last tenants left the site. The property, and nine adjoining parcels, for $100,000 at a 2016 auction by a self-described “Star Wars Fanatic.”

“I figure this will put Rochester on the map. This will be the first Sarlacc Pit on Earth! We could throw so much garbage in there come on!”

We reached out to Irondequoit Mayors who sent us this note:

Literally anything would be better looking than the mess that is the medley centre. Even

a giant Star Wars sand butt-hole with teeth.

Woman Cancels Birth Control Prescription To Buy A Seabreeze Season Pass Instead

Rochester N.Y. – Marissa Collins is a normal 27 year old young professional. She has a good job, a bustling social life and a boyfriend of three years whom she plans to spend the rest of her life with.  Marissa has always wanted a family but knows that her youth is important to her and doesn’t want her life to take a turn due to an unplanned pregnancy.  A long time birth control user, Marissa has taken a leap of faith by cancelling her birth control prescription and trading it in for a season pass to Seabreeze Family Fun Park.

“The time spent at Seabreeze is an obviously more efficient and more practical form of birth control,” said Marissa.  “Who wants to have their alarm embarrassingly go off once a day, alerting everyone nearby that you are actively pre-aborting fetuses before they are even made.”

Marissa tells us that instead of taking a pill daily, she spends a half a day at the amusement park once a week and it extinguishes any ability of her own to procreate and conceive a child.  “The throngs of screaming spawn, running around the park with pee in their pants and hair may as well be a chastity belt with a melted key,” says Collins’ longtime boyfriend, Nathan Brown.  “It’s frustrating at times, but the days her and I spend at the park are fun, and I can barely get a boner anymore as it is after having my groin scrunched by roller coaster constraints so many times.”

We asked the couple if they planned on one day having a child of their own to bring to the park and enjoy in the fun, to which Marissa replied with laughter, “Maybe one day, when they bring back the Gyrosphere.” But for now, the pair seem content with their decision to keep their genitals dormant like sleeping volcanos. “After seeing how simple it is for any old set of idiots to make a grosser, smaller version of themselves, the thought of birthing a child seems to have lost its luster for me,” said Ms. Collins, “Now get out of my way, I need to try and sneak this cotton candy onto the Jack Rabbit.”

Scientist Discover That Fried Dough Is The #1 Reason You’re A Fat Single Piece Of Shit

Rochester,NY-  A shocking new study is taking the nation by storm, scientist have now discovered that fried dough is definitely the number one reason you’re a fat single piece of shit. It has taken the number one spot away from being ” You have a horrible personality”. We we’re able to speak Tricia Berman, one of the scientist who helped discover this major breakthrough. This what she had to say.

” After years of researching and failed studies after failed studies, It was so nice to finally uncover the truth to this mystery for so long, so many people out there are fat single pieces of shit, but no one knew exactly why! Sure we had our theories, there was the mountain dew theory, the tiny penis syndrome theory. Yet nothing was quite as clear as eating excessive amounts of fried dough definitely being the reason most americans are fat single pieces of shit. I can finally rest easy at night knowing that americans have finally learned the truth about their terrible fate.”

Tricia spoke with us and let us know her team is working hard on their next study of “Are people who argue about politics actually making any difference?”

Park Ave Festival To Be Replace By Middle Aged White Guy Mansplaining Equality

Rochester,NY- In a shocking turn of events, it seems that the city officials have cancelled the Park Avenue festival and have now turned to a different theme all together. Instead of the usual food trucks, unique accessories and just overall drunkenness, it will just be a lone middle aged white guy by the name of Chad who will be walking up and down all of Park Avenue mansplaining equality to everybody who walks by. We spoke with Chad to see how he’s handling this responsibility.

” When I was first approached about this job, I was skeptical, I mean could I, a simple middle-aged white guy , replace a festival of drunk white people eating pizza out of a food truck and considering it cultured, then I thought back to my nice ancestral white roots and realized I can damn near do anything I want. Plus equality is an important topic to me, white people have it just as hard as any other race out there. Sometimes due to my genetics I can’t be outside on sunny days without sun tan lotion, I mean talk about having it rough.

If you want to hear chad mansplaining this weekend, just look for the guy wearing a rusted root t-shirt and wearing sandals that are one size too big for him.

 

Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.