Rochester,NY- A shocking new study is taking the nation by storm, scientist have now discovered that fried dough is definitely the number one reason you’re a fat single piece of shit. It has taken the number one spot away from being ” You have a horrible personality”. We we’re able to speak Tricia Berman, one of the scientist who helped discover this major breakthrough. This what she had to say.
” After years of researching and failed studies after failed studies, It was so nice to finally uncover the truth to this mystery for so long, so many people out there are fat single pieces of shit, but no one knew exactly why! Sure we had our theories, there was the mountain dew theory, the tiny penis syndrome theory. Yet nothing was quite as clear as eating excessive amounts of fried dough definitely being the reason most americans are fat single pieces of shit. I can finally rest easy at night knowing that americans have finally learned the truth about their terrible fate.”
Tricia spoke with us and let us know her team is working hard on their next study of “Are people who argue about politics actually making any difference?”
Rochester,NY- In a shocking turn of events, it seems that the city officials have cancelled the Park Avenue festival and have now turned to a different theme all together. Instead of the usual food trucks, unique accessories and just overall drunkenness, it will just be a lone middle aged white guy by the name of Chad who will be walking up and down all of Park Avenue mansplaining equality to everybody who walks by. We spoke with Chad to see how he’s handling this responsibility.
” When I was first approached about this job, I was skeptical, I mean could I, a simple middle-aged white guy , replace a festival of drunk white people eating pizza out of a food truck and considering it cultured, then I thought back to my nice ancestral white roots and realized I can damn near do anything I want. Plus equality is an important topic to me, white people have it just as hard as any other race out there. Sometimes due to my genetics I can’t be outside on sunny days without sun tan lotion, I mean talk about having it rough.
If you want to hear chad mansplaining this weekend, just look for the guy wearing a rusted root t-shirt and wearing sandals that are one size too big for him.
Rochester, NY- The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!
” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”
David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.” To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.
“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”
Yup. That pretty much sums it up.
Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.
Rochester,NY- James Lynfield always knew he was strong, with constant compliments being tossed his way by his mother and aunts, he knew he was special. So when he returned home from a quick trip to wegmans, he saw a challenge presented to him. He had thirteen bags of groceries in his car, could he successfully carry them up in one trip to his apartment. James put all of his strength together and to his astonishment he pulled it off. With this new found confidence, James has now set his sights on a bigger challenge. He has set to face off against God tomorrow. We were able to get an exclusive interview with God and how he has taken this challenge.
“You know, I blessed people with different things, I knew when I made James that I was giving him supernatural strength, I guess I never expected it to backfire on me. I have to admit I am a little bit nervous, he had a bag filled with five jars of tomato sauce and he picked it up with ease! I mean, I know I can move mountains and what not, but come on, thats pretty impressive. Either way, We’ll see how this plays out.”
Editor’s note: It seems that James has suffered a fatal heart attack only moments before the big showdown.
Rochester,NY- “Black Bears are known to be the friendliest of all bears but apparently they’re the also the biggest dead beats of the Ursidae family” says RIT’s Senior Student Services Counselor Dim Kavis.
In June of 2016, a young black bear climbed up a tree on the Rochester Institute of Technology campus, was shot with a sedative, successfully taken down, and released away from harm.
But after the bear was released, Dim Kavis noticed that an undergrad student named “Grizz Lee Bare” also mysteriously disappeared the same day.
“After tracking down some surveillance cam footage, I was able to determine that the Black Bear had actually been attending classes under this assumed identity.”
“It was clearly a bear but no one on campus wanted to call him out since they did not want to offend him just in case he actually turned out to be a slightly-hairier Armenian guy” says Mrs. Kavis.
The bear might have flown under the radar by living in one of the larger trees on the RIT campus that the school graciously provides to Foreign Students at rate of only $39,506 per year to rent.
Unfortunately, after a night of hard drinking, the bear made the classic undergrad mistake of passing out in the wrong dorm tree.
RIT is now trying to track down the bear to pay for it’s tuition, room and board, as well as a penalty for not getting a parking pass since the tree the bear was found in was located in the F Lot.
Rochester,NY- Local chemex has grown accustomed to pain, constantly having gallon after gallon of hot water slowly being poured on it day in and day out. Yet, now with an introduction of a tight leather band around its neck, it seems as if the chemex is growing accustomed to pain and even finding it somewhat, pleasurable. We spoke with it to see how this came to be.
” You know, there was a time where I just hated every morning, hot water being poured all over me, being filled up with coffee and then just as quickly being poured out. I felt used, yet now I find myself enjoying some of this behavior. My owner recently just purchased this leather band, which he says is for making sure he doesn’t drop me. I know its to just remind me of the bad little coffee-making bitch I am. I love the way it feels around my neck, I hope he steps up his game next time and stops being a little bitch and really chokes the shit out of me”
Rochester,NY- Brendan Stanz just graduated from MCC and is looking forward to using his liberal arts degree for everything its worth. He sat down at his local coffee-house and wrote out his five-year plan, he’s been waiting for this day his entire life. We were able to get an exclusive interview with Brendan, this is what he had to say about his life.
” I can’t believe I made it this far, I’m so excited. I’ll be the hundredth person or so in family to acquire a liberal arts degree, it’s nice to keep mediocrity running in the family. I figured for the first three years after college, I can get a job at a local Starbucks, spend most of my nights getting high and having emotionless sex with some of my co-workers. From that point on I’ll dive into a deep depression realizing I have no drive and my education was a waste. Then I figure around the fourth of fifth year, my dad will keep sending my job links to paychex, I’ll cave in eventually and stop smoking pot, get a steady 9- 5 while slowly watching my dreams fade away! Super excited!”