YOU KNOW DASHER AND DANCER,PRANCER AND VIXEN, BUT DO YOU RECALL, Olivia the reindeer accusing Santa of sexual harassment?

The North Pole- BREAKING NEWS. Olivia the reindeer has just stepped forward accusing Santa of sexual harassment allegations. Olivia has some shocking allegations, she is accusing santa of making some very shocking statements, such as “I would love to have steering the back of my sleigh”, needless to say the community is disgusted and shocked. We reached out to Santas worker elves for a comment, only one came forward, we have agreed to keep his anonymity so he can remain safe. This is what he has to say.

” Yeah, everyone has always known about it. You hear the whispers throughout the workshop. Santa has “Favorites”, rudolph doesn’t guide that sleigh because of his nose. I mean for fuck sakes, we’ve had fog lights for over thirty years, you think some freaks bright nose is going to make the difference in traveling at night? People will believe whatever they want to believe. I mean here is this eighty something year old man running a sweatshop of children “lookalikes”, climbing into people’s homes during the night and dropping off gifts for children? Get the fuck out. Also dont even get me started the entire “Naughty or Nice” list.”

UPDATE: It seems the scandal has become bigger, news from the north pole is Frosty the snowman is under investigation for asking children to move his carrot nose to his nether regions. 

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5 Signs Your Stuck Behind That Fucking Pedal Pub Tour Thing Again

Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That fucking pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again

  1. The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
  2. The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
  3. That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
  4. Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a fucking half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
  5. You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. Fuck your life.

Harvey Weinstein found disguised as professor at U Of R in hopes of protection

Rochester,NY-  The past few months have been a very trying time for men in powerful places. From Kevin spacey to Louis C.K., men are for the first time having to take responsibility for their actions. It’s a scary time to be a sexual predator in this cruel world that doesn’t understand that they were just “having fun” and people need to understand things were “different” back then. Our reports have indicated that the man who started this trend of predators being called out for their behavior, Harvey Weinstein has now been found hiding out as a professor at the university of rochester in hopes of some sort of protection from the general public. We were able to get a one on one interview with him and this is what he had to say.

” I just dont understand what this world is coming too, I mean I remember the days where a fella could just yell out their innermost sexual thoughts at a woman on the street and it would be considered flirting. I guess I’ve lost touch with this generation. That’s why I came to the university of rochester, it seems like they remember the good ole days of protecting their own and not just throwing them under the bus. I figure I can spend the rest of my days here as a professor, earn my tenor, and smooth sailing from there. God, I should have been a professor this entire time.”

Update: The university of rochester has reported they will be giving every professor a once a semester “Get out of sexual harassment free” card from now on.

5 Signs That Bitch Stacey Is Dressing Up As Harley Quinn

Rochester NY- Halloween is upon us again, the partygoers will be hitting the streets soon, droves of people dressed as pennywise the clown, batman and the cast from stranger things will roam the streets. Yet, you cant get this feeling off your chest. What is that bitch Stacey going as. You know Stacey, she always downplays Halloween, acts like she doesn’t care. Yet, always has the most elaborate outfit every year as if she didn’t have this planned out months in advance. Here are five signs that bitch Stacey is going as Harley Quinn this year.

  1. She LOVED Suicide Squad– Like seriously, she wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. Do you even care about plot or story Stacey? You shallow asswipe. This is why the movie industry is suffering, because people like you make movies like Suicide Squad win Oscars. Bitch.
  2. She bought the extended cut of Suicide Squad- WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! WHAT IN GODS NAME COULD THEY HAVE ADDED! Is there a scene where Killer Croc gives a monologue about his tough childhood and how growing up with a clearly tragic skin disease caused him to have a life fueled by hate and feeling rejected. No? didn’t think so. Grow the fuck up Stacey.
  3. She posted on a buzzfeed quiz about how she would be Harley Quinn if she was apart of Suicide Squad– Jesus Christ, fuck off.
  4. I found red and black makeup on her dresser- It was just sitting there, I wasn’t like in her room stalking her or whatever, it just happened to be out when I passed by. It’s not weird.
  5. I’m dressing up as Joker– Stacey is my girlfriend, we’ve been fighting a lot, but I hope doing this couples costume will help deal with some major underlying issues in our relationship. I mean, I know couples are supposed to fight, but everyday? That seems a bit excessive..maybe we should go to a counselor or something…..god damn it.

 

Glen Edith Introduces “Coffee, donut, chicken bowl” Because Fuck It, why not.

Rochester,NY- Glen Edith has been an innovator in the Rochester scene following behind the likes of “Joe bean” and creating more than just a quick pick me up and go coffee environment. They established them selves on park avenue and quickly made their way to Elton street. With both locations becoming successful, they set their sites on Boxcar, a hybrid of fried chicken and donuts with of course, Glen edith at the helm as their coffee brand. They are now taking the inevitable next step forward and introducing the game changing “Coffee, Donut, Chicken bowl”. We spoke with the owner of Glen Edith to understand how his decision on this item.

” You know when we first opened Glen Edith we had a strong vision of people with thick black framed glasses and flannel shirts taking pictures on their instagram account to be the main portion of our business. We didn’t expect it to be as successful as it is now, we understand that the hipster community in Rochester will literally eat or drink anything we sell as long as it has a very “simplistic logo” and we charge an extra ten dollars compared to other shops. Making this move to just violently shove coffee, donuts and chicken into bowl really seemed like a no brainer. We hope everyone enjoys this bowl for only $39 dollars at any of our locations.”

Following this news, we have heard that Joe bean will be introducing a shot of espresso with a ten minute monologue from the barista about what country they grew it in or some bullshit.

 

 

 

 

Pack of Lone Wolves Terrorize Desert Town in Nevada

LAS VEGAS – A pack of lone wolves that has been terrorizing the United States since 1982 wreaked havoc on a sleepy Nevada city, forcing an innocent white man to shoot one of his many automatic rifles into a crowd of people enjoying a quiet Sunday brunch with music from local bands. Hundreds were injured, and 59 people perished thanks to this pack of lone wolves. They then forced the man to turn the gun on himself and fled the scene before authorities could apprehend them and stop their murderous, decades long rampage.

The REAL victim, Stephen Paddock, was enjoying a quiet night with 23 of his favorite firearms in his 32nd floor room in the Mandalay Bay bed & breakfast. Police hypothesize that the lone wolves broke into his room door using a swiped key card, loaded his weapons, and positioned Paddock to murder 59 people and injure 527 others. The chaos that entailed has since been gripping the nation, causing them to ponder the reason these lone wolves keep doing this, and why they target such innocent white men. Not counting domestic violence, Lone Wolves have forced 134 people to shoot into public crowds since 1966. Most of these shooters are male and white. Lone Wolves have forced white men to kill 949 people.

Lone Wolves target very specific people. After the men are apprehended or killed, you realize how innocent they are. Most of them are quiet and keep to themselves. They were single loners, came from good homes, had very adorable elementary school and high school pictures, and they often loved their families. Often they are fragile of ego, but they are fine as long as someone strokes their ego incessantly. Sometimes there was a period of time that they may or may not have had a personality disorder or a mental illness, but for the most part they were socially stable angels and pillars of their communities. It may be just coincidence that they own an attic full of nazi paraphernalia or a bootleg copy of The Anarchist Cookbook or a pile of pornographic magazines with the eyes of the models cut out? The Lone Wolves often target these poor men, but they are nice guys, as the family assure everyone. Sometimes the men themselves assure you that they are nice guys in a long written or video manifesto.

No one knows why Lone Wolves do this to such quiet white men, but some believe it is because of their concern for mental health or Chicago or “black on black” crime things that are “too soon”, as these are the subjects most often brought up when they force these innocent white men to kill others and sometimes themselves. No matter what, though, they definitely do NOT want to bring attention to gun regulation in the country.

Authorities continue to search for the pack of lone wolves. If you have any information, just go into hiding, as authorities will not pay attention to them until they’ve made another innocent white man kill people.

 

Local Racist Harassed by Abolitionist Ghost

BRIGHTON, NY – Hilton resident Will Forberg has not had a good week. He came from his class at Monroe Community College to find the confederate flag affixed to his car had been vandalized. He immediately took to Twitter to express his dismay, saying:

“Shout out to the nigger at mcc who vandalized my confederate flag…you’ll be a white mans property soon enough give trump time”.

So angry was he that he did not see the irony in using black slang (“Shout out”) to denigrate black people. Poor Will also did not realize that New York was a Union state during the Civil War and that the confederate flag is not only the flag of the losing side, but also the symbol quickly adopted by such white supremacist groups as the Ku Klux Klan and Mississippi who wished to intimidate and murder people of color after the collapse of Reconstruction. It is speculated that history classes at MCC are only in the spring semester, which is why Mr. Forberg was ignorant of these facts.

Two days after the vandalization of Mr. Forberg’s American Swastika flag, the assailant came forward. In a short tweet and screen capture image of Will Forberg’s tweet. A Twitter handle by the name of @DeadDouglass stated boldly:

“Yeah, I did it! And you can’t catch me, because I’ve been dead for over 100 years! Whatcha gon’ do now, Lil’ Willy?”

The ghost of Frederick Douglass claimed credit for vandalizing Will Forberg’s flag and used his Twitter account to brag about it. There is no protocol for punishing a ghost for destruction of property, as there is no way to try a dead person for committing crimes. Mr. Forberg has not yet come back to class, as even though Monroe Community College announced that it may do nothing about his statement, or the fact that he proudly displayed a symbol of hate on the campus in direct violation of its student code of conduct. Some speculate that he realized that there are black people on the campus, and he is afraid that they will give him a stern talking to, as black people are known to do.

Frederick Douglass was born into slavery in Talbot County, MD in 1818. He taught himself to read and escaped his life of servitude in his 20s and traveled through Pennsylvania, New York City, Massachusetts and even Great Britain and Ireland, before settling in 1847 in Rochester. Though he died living in Washington, DC as a federal US Marshal, his body is buried in Mt. Hope Cemetery next to his first wife. Since his death, he has been active on Twitter since Donald Trump errantly thought he was alive. Douglass thought it was a call to action and has been harassing bigots from beyond the grave while trying to convince Donald Trump that he is most definitely dead. Due to a Ouija board malfunction, Mr. Douglass could not be contacted for a statement.