Breaking News! Judge Astocia Actually Hiding Inside Of Genesee Brewery Tanks All Along!

Rochester,NY-  The city of Rochester was thrown for a loop when it was just announced that Judge Astocia  has fled from Rochester to live in Thailand for the next three months. The Inner loop is glad to be the first to report that Judge Astocia is actually still in the city of Rochester! She has been hiding right under our nose this entire time! It was in fact a body double that we saw in those pictures in Thailand! The Inner Loop was able to gain an exclusive interview with Judge Astocia inside of her “Safe place” as she referred to it! This is what she had to say.

” I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, the double life. Living by day as a Judge, condemning people based on their actions and then being a reckless alcoholic by Day/evening/night. I knew that this lie was going on too long. So I finally decided to live where I’m most wanted. Inside an arid, dark tank filled with beer that is only above average. This is my new home and I hope the people of Rochester can forgive me for my crimes against them. I will still be collecting my full salary while inside of this tank, just so everyone knows I’m safe. I have just the grub-hub app downloaded on my phone and that should pretty much be all I need for the rest of my life.”

Breaking News! Judge Astocia Actually Hiding Inside Of Genesee Brewery Tanks All Along!

Rochester,NY-  The city of Rochester was thrown for a loop when it was just announced that Judge Astocia  has fled from Rochester to live in Thailand for the next three months. The Inner loop is glad to be the first to report that Judge Astocia is actually still in the city of Rochester! She has been hiding right under our nose this entire time! It was in fact a body double that we saw in those pictures in Thailand! The Inner Loop was able to gain an exclusive interview with Judge Astocia inside of her “Safe place” as she referred to it! This is what she had to say.

” I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, the double life. Living by day as a Judge, condemning people based on their actions and then being a reckless alcoholic by Day/evening/night. I knew that this lie was going on to long. So I finally decided to live where I’m most wanted. Inside an arid, dark tank filled with beer that is only above average. This is my new home and I hope the people of Rochester can forgive me for my crimes against them. I will still be collecting my full salary while inside of this tank, just so everyone knows I’m safe. I have just the grub-hub app downloaded on my phone and that should pretty much be all I need for the rest of my life.”

Incredible! Woman Captures Perfect Selfie And Obtains Nirvana!

Rochester,NY- It was just a normal Thursday afternoon for Sandra Butterscotch when she stumbled upon the experience of a lifetime. “It was amazing, I almost can’t describe it. I just locked eyes with myself and snapped the shot. I couldn’t believe how perfect the lighting and the angle was. I just wanted to share it with the world.” She recalled telling us the tale. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until I started getting more likes on the post than I had friends. It was like whoa, something big is happening here.”

Sandra has since moved to the mountains of Eastern Asia to teach her ways. This is where we met with her to discuss the events. “It was right around ten million likes that I realized, that we are all connected and that the self is just an illusion. There is so much more to consciousness than just what our six senses allow us to perceive in this one physical reality.” She goes on. “But I’d say the number one key to ALL of this, is probably the Valencia filter type.

Post DUI Disbarment, ROC Judge Astacio Excited To Start New Career As Uber Driver

Rochester,NY- Judge Astacio was convicted of drunken driving back in August of 2016. Since then she has pleaded guilty to violating her conditional discharge amongst other fantastic stories including a situation where she was nearly pepper sprayed in the bathroom of the Papaya Asian Kitchen and Bar at Marketplace Mall.

While Astacio has been stripped of all her judicial duties and barred from non-public areas of the courthouse, she still currently holds the title of an elected judge and collects an annual salary of $173,700.

Just FYI, all of the proceeding will be made up, but everything stated above is legit true. Imagine getting essentially fired but still getting $173,700 a year, and you spend your free time vacationing and getting drunk at the mall? Did you go to law-school or get a degree in How To Be A Step Dad? It makes you wonder how good the food is at that Papaya Asian Kitchen that literally no one else in Rochester goes to.

Anyways… back to the fake news.
With Uber finally coming to Rochester in July, Judge Astacio has a chance to switch careers, and give back to the community that gave her a  $173,700 salary to drive drunk and pick fights in bathrooms.

“I mean I would be really uncomfortable being picked up by a lady who has driven drunk multiple times, but anything is better than the taxi’s in this city” says Alex Werthering of Rochester.

When we reached out to Uber, their Public Relations representative Todd Shalten told us “we have no idea how she got past our criminal background check. I promise she won’t be an Uber driver.”

Argument Over Trump Dies Before Easter Dinner, Rises Again Three Hours Later

Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry.  Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of […]

Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry.  Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of America. Chaos further ensued, the family broke off into an all out Biblical war, shame and guilt were the primary weapons in this battle of politics. Luckily, Brenda Northrup was able to settle the chaos right before dinner was about to be served.

Yet something was brewing during dinner, something that couldn’t be explained. Even though the discussion was crucified and put to rest in a deep dark place, you could feel something brewing amongst the family. Little Joey in the corner spoke of how he just knew that this conversation wasnt done just yet, his mother scolded him, telling him to stop such nonsense, we all saw this conversation die with our own eyes. There is no way it could possibly come back to life!

Yet, rise from the grave it did! With Uncle Davids last bite into those mashed potatoes, came roaring from life that President Trump is the only real president we’ve had in the past twenty years! Just like that the conversation that was seen put to rest was no alive in front of them performing all sorts of miracles! The plates miraculously rose from their place and hit the wall with an earth shattering sound! The ground shook as the stubbornness of the devout conservative spat his words across the masses with a fire unlike any other seen before its time! This was truly an easter miracle happening in front of the Northrup family. The time for the return was now and they all had front row seats to the miracle of this rebirth.

 

Edit: The Innerloop doesnt believe in God or bunnies.

Rochester’s Revolving Restaurant To Be Replaced With A Fidget Spinner

Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.

“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”

The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”

The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?

 

 

Traffic Cop In Wegmans Parking Lot Has Seen Humanity At It’s Worst

Rochester,NY- Devin Baxter knew he always wanted to be a cop. He remembers playing cops and robbers with his friends during sleepovers and just thinking to himself, how great it’s going to be when one day he finally gets to chase down the bad guys. Fast forward to twenty years later and Devin is finally living his dream. Yet, his new assignment has been one of his toughest jobs in recent years. He’s been assigned to the east ave Wegmans parking lot for the past six months. We spoke with Devin to see how this job has affected his mental health and his life.

” I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my line of work, but I really don’t think anything would’ve prepared me for this job. I’ve seen people run over old women, parking spaces covered with cans of Wegmans tomato sauce. Racial slurs being tossed back and forth by drivers. You want to see humanity at its worst, come down to east ave wegmans parking lot. These people dont care about anything except a dinner served with fresh avocados. I tell my kids every night to avoid this place, you have to keep your children safe at the end of the day.”