Donald Trump declares himself People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year

In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.

Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t fucking exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”

Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.

“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.

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“Sexual assault awareness awareness month” launched for men upset that they are now becoming aware of sexual assault

With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.

 

Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.

Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted

“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”

“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.

“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”

Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.

“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”

 

Parents concerned this Halloween about steep decline in amount of dope drugs and razor blades they used to find in kids bags

ROCHESTER, NY- As Halloween draws near, many local parents have taken to social media to express their disappointment in the steep decline over the years in the amount of dank drugs and sick ass razor blades they used to find when inspecting their kids Halloween candy.

“Things ain’t how they used to be….back in the 90’s? I’d atleast get a pill or a needle, and that was on a bad day. Sometimes you’d get lucky and there’d be some coke AND a razor blade to chop it up with. The times they are a changing…Is Trump to blame? Hard to say”

Said Father of 3 Henderson Helmsly on his blog “Old white man complains about things.” which he started after feeling as though old white mens complaints and ramblings weren’t in enough abundance on the internet.

“One time I found a straight up katana hidden into a Baby Ruth.” He added.

Studies show that over the past decade the amount of drugs and super sweet needles and razors has declined over 65%, with parents getting lucky to even find half of a klonopin mixed into some smarties.

Many parents are wondering if it’s even worth it to celebrate this year.

Marsha Lyndon of Brighton had this to say.

“What’s the point? Halloween is a time to celebrate, get dressed up, take your kids around the neighborhood and trip balls on whatever unmarked pills you find in their haul. It seems like noone respects the tradition anymore. Very sad.”

 

Americans wait patiently in anticipation of stories of people going blind from the eclipse

Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.

“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”

Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.

It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.

City of Rochester asks FEMA for emergency airdrop of 10 tons of Ibuprofen for bros still hungover from Park Ave Fest.

Rochester,NY- Now that the annual Park Avenue Festival has come to a close, The City of Rochester has found itself in a state of emergency as thousands of dudes and bros have found themselves still hungover from the weekend’s festivities.

The city has requested that FEMA airdrop 10 tons of Ibuprofen into the heart of downtown Rochester and are asking fellow citizens to donate Gatorade and hashbrowns to local shelters.

Rochester police have also been trained on how to administer Alka-Seltzer to victims in need.

“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull shit on his car every fucking day.

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.