City of Rochester asks FEMA for emergency airdrop of 10 tons of Ibuprofen for bros still hungover from Park Ave Fest.

Rochester,NY- Now that the annual Park Avenue Festival has come to a close, The City of Rochester has found itself in a state of emergency as thousands of dudes and bros have found themselves still hungover from the weekend’s festivities.

The city has requested that FEMA airdrop 10 tons of Ibuprofen into the heart of downtown Rochester and are asking fellow citizens to donate Gatorade and hashbrowns to local shelters.

Rochester police have also been trained on how to administer Alka-Seltzer to victims in need.

“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull shit on his car every fucking day.

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.

Klara Hitler confused by amount of time travelers constantly trying to kill her infant son.

“I can’t catch a break” Said Klara Hitler, mother of 6 month old Adolf.

“I don’t know what exactly he did to deserve this, I mean that one time he spit up on our new rug, but I don’t think that warrant this amount of attempted assassinations.”

Like clockwork, every night at around 6pm Klara says a different man in a shiny jumpsuit materializes in her home and attempts to murder her son.

“At this point it’s just annoying. I mean I barely get any sleep as it is, what with the newborn and all, and now I’ve got to fight off intergalactic time travelers to boot, and they always show up right in the middle of supper, like, come on!.”

Suspicions confirmed: Commuter learns traffic has been fucking kidding him all along.

Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being fucking kidding him this whole time.

“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.

“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me?”

“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”

We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.

Joe Biden Attempts to Break Back Into the White House to Retrieve Collectable Lynard Skynard Mug.

January 22, 2017

WASHINGTON – A mere two days after his final day as the Vice President of the United States, Joseph Biden was seen today attempting to break into a window to get back into the White House this Sunday morning.

When asked what he was doing, former Vice President  Biden said “I gotta get my Skynard mug! That things a collectible, I got it when I saw them on tour in ’72. Stole it from a girl after I bonked her in the bathroom. That things gotta be worth 15-20 bucks these days, thats an antique!”

He said as he continued to fish a wire hanger into the window in a fruitless attempt to break into one of the most secure buildings in the country.

Moments later, as the Secret Service closed in, President Biden screamed “Ditch your doobs!” as he threw what appeared to be a lit marijuana cigarette into the bushes and began scaling the nearest fence.

Top 5 Questions We Want Answered In The Debates

With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates

1) Why does the old man want my bones?

Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.

2. How do we fix the economy ?

I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.

3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?

This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)

4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?

Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.

5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?

I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.

 

Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com