Suspicions confirmed: Commuter learns traffic has been fucking kidding him all along.

Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being fucking kidding him this whole time.

“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.

“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me?”

“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”

We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.

Joe Biden Attempts to Break Back Into the White House to Retrieve Collectable Lynard Skynard Mug.

January 22, 2017

WASHINGTON – A mere two days after his final day as the Vice President of the United States, Joseph Biden was seen today attempting to break into a window to get back into the White House this Sunday morning.

When asked what he was doing, former Vice President  Biden said “I gotta get my Skynard mug! That things a collectible, I got it when I saw them on tour in ’72. Stole it from a girl after I bonked her in the bathroom. That things gotta be worth 15-20 bucks these days, thats an antique!”

He said as he continued to fish a wire hanger into the window in a fruitless attempt to break into one of the most secure buildings in the country.

Moments later, as the Secret Service closed in, President Biden screamed “Ditch your doobs!” as he threw what appeared to be a lit marijuana cigarette into the bushes and began scaling the nearest fence.

Top 5 Questions We Want Answered In The Debates

With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates

1) Why does the old man want my bones?

Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.

2. How do we fix the economy ?

I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.

3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?

This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)

4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?

Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.

5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?

I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.

 

Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com

Donald Trump claims to have pneumonia that is superior to Hillary’s

“There has been alot of talk about Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia, but I assure you, I have the best pneumonia of any politician. Mine is far more debilitating than hers has ever been. No one in the republican or democratic party can compete with my pneumonia. It’s so debilitating it would make your head spin. I should be dead right now, I swear.”

Said Donald Trump at a rally in Los Angeles, California addressing a recent press release that confirmed that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton had a case of pneumonia.

The Donald referred to it as “classic liberal media bias” stating that

“I have been number one in the pneumonia game for years, but you don’t hear anyone talking about it, the coverage has been unfair.”

He then went on to blame China for the problem, as well as saying that he felt like there were “too many blacks in sports, it’s hard to tell which player is which.”

 

WNBA LA Sparks sign cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan to 12 year contract.

In a move that sent shock waves throughout the loyal community dozens of WNBA fans, the Sparks (which is rumored some kind of women’s basketball team in Los Angeles) finalized a 12 year, $1,372  contract with a 20-year-old promotional cardboard cut out of Michael Jordan from Space Jam.

“I was at the local Goodwill looking through the jackets for old change, ya know sometimes people donate them without even checking the pockets.” said LA Sparks CEO Paula Madison as she huddle around a raging trash can fire she and the rest of the team owners had created in the alley behind the STAPLES center.

“All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I saw the cutout. We just lost our Starting Guard because she got a job offer from the local Denny’s, so the timing was just right for us to make a move.”

The signing comes hot on the heels of the controversial move made by the New York Liberty to end their contract with their former Point guard, a literal can of tuna fish, in order to sign a 6 year contract with that one rat who was video taped carrying around a piece of pizza in the subway.

“Alot of exciting things are happening in the WNBA!” said the leagues president Lisa Borders, as she fashioned a noose out of an old telephone wire.

 

Brockport student enjoys fruitful semester of date rape

“I knew I’d be be getting with tons of chicks in college, but I didn’t know it would be this good!”Said Brad Brunswick, smiling from ear to ear as he sat at his desk organizing all of his Rohypnol into a neat pile.  “Atleast 3 of them were semi conscious.”

Brad has become a legend amongst his fraternity brothers at Phi Kappa Phi Phi Phi Kappa and a terrible memory that will never fade for over 30 female students, a new record for the fraternity.

“I swear that dude forcefully drags home a different girl every night, I’m so jealous!” Said one of his “brothers” who refused to be named for legal reason

Brunswick offered some advice for any college student out there who hasn’t had as much success as him.

“All it takes, is a good attitude, a little bit of charm, and a sociopathic disregard for the effect your actions have on others.”

Local man awarded key to the city for suggesting garbage plates after night of binge drinking

Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.

“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”

Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.

“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”

“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.

No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.