The North Pole- BREAKING NEWS. Olivia the reindeer has just stepped forward accusing Santa of sexual harassment allegations. Olivia has some shocking allegations, she is accusing santa of making some very shocking statements, such as “I would love to have steering the back of my sleigh”, needless to say the community is disgusted and shocked. We reached out to Santas worker elves for a comment, only one came forward, we have agreed to keep his anonymity so he can remain safe. This is what he has to say.
” Yeah, everyone has always known about it. You hear the whispers throughout the workshop. Santa has “Favorites”, rudolph doesn’t guide that sleigh because of his nose. I mean for fuck sakes, we’ve had fog lights for over thirty years, you think some freaks bright nose is going to make the difference in traveling at night? People will believe whatever they want to believe. I mean here is this eighty something year old man running a sweatshop of children “lookalikes”, climbing into people’s homes during the night and dropping off gifts for children? Get the fuck out. Also dont even get me started the entire “Naughty or Nice” list.”
UPDATE: It seems the scandal has become bigger, news from the north pole is Frosty the snowman is under investigation for asking children to move his carrot nose to his nether regions.
The holidays are here and that means it’s time for things like caroling, cookie decorating, giving and getting gifts and of course family. Both with that in mind, every year while out and about during the holidays, hundreds of thousands of grandmas are run over by Reindeer. Something about the scent of gingerbread and egg nog drives the reindeer insane and stirs them into a grandma attacking frenzy. So for the safety of your grandmas, here is a list of five helpful holiday tips for keeping your grandma from getting run over by a reindeer.
1.) Help them Cross the Street: I know it’s cliché but now more than ever is the time to bring out your inner Eagle (or Eaglette) Scout and help guide these golden girls from one corner to the next. It never hurts to have an extra set of eyes when a ravenous reindeer comes charging out of nowhere.
2.) Use a Child Leash: It may seem unconventional but when it comes to saving the life of your beloved grandma, desperate measures must be taken. Most grandmas tend to wander and that’s nothing a little tug on the leash can’t fix. You may be thinking that the old child leash you used to use for your kid won’t fit your grandma but in almost every case, grandmas tend to shrink back to their original sizes in their old age and it should fit perfectly.
3.) Get Her a Life Alert: This tip might not help save your grandma from a vicious, holiday season fueled reindeer attack, but it may save her life. We’ve all seen the commercials. The phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” can’t be said without thinking of the trusted emergency alert system. Soon you’ll hear grandmas all over shouting “I’ve been brutally gored by a reindeer and my spleen is ruptured!”
4.) Tell Her a You Saw a Middle Eastern Family in the Neighborhood: Let’s face it; grandmas these days grew up in a different time where ignorance was bliss. Many of them have a lingering distaste for anyone appearing to be different from them without any sort of reasonable explanation. Keep your grandma safe with this little white lie about seeing a Middle Eastern Family (or any minority for that matter) in the area and your grandma will be too busy peeking out her blinds with her binoculars to go outside and get mowed down by a reindeer.
5.) Put Her in a Home: This final tip for the holidays is a sure fire way to keep grandma safe and sound for however many years to come she has left (hopefully not too many, these places are expensive!). Park your grandma in a home with all the other grandmas and she’ll be protected by the watchful eye of an underqualified assisted living center employee. She can watch Golden Girls reruns, send you a check for $5 every year on your birthday and tell you the story of how she once met The Rat Pack again when you visit her twice a year.
Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That fucking pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again
- The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
- The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
- That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
- Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a fucking half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
- You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. Fuck your life.
Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills came away with an exciting 13-7 win on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts. The Bills toughed out some of the harshest weather the NFL has seen all year during the game, in which almost 18 inches of snow falling on New Era Field throughout the contest.
Despite the weather, thousands of Western New Yorkers showed their pride and turned out for the blustery ball game to cheer on their beloved Buffalo Bills. Although temperatures reached below freezing during the game, the thick layers provided by warm pierogis, copious amounts of alcohol and 90’s Bill’s Starter Jackets seemed to be enough to keep the fans going. Until the end of the game, after the field had cleared and the stadium’s facility management crew took to the stands to clean up. The crew was shocked to find hundreds of frozen corpses of Buffalo’s diehard fan base.
“We were kind of surprised when we got working on snow removal to find people still at the game,” said one crew member. “After we shouted in their faces a bit and poked a couple with our shovels, it was pretty clear that these fans were dead.”
With only one home game left in the season and a chance at the playoffs looking bleak, the Bill’s front office has been faced with an issue of selling tickets and packing the stands. After news of the bodies being found in the stands came out, team owners Terry and Kim Pegula couldn’t have been more ecstatic and have decided to leave the human popsicles in their final resting places for one more game.
“It’s what they would have wanted,” said Kim Pegula, “besides, these people are dead. So fuck it, who cares?” Now faced with the final home game of the season next week Terry Pegula says “now is not the time to pass on good business opportunities.”
“We’ve already got a quarter of the stands filled for a game I couldn’t even pay people to go to. We’ll just bill the families of the frozen deceased for the tickets later.”
The Bill’s front office is happy to have such a dedicated fan base. With the support of the blue collar, and now blue faced, fans from the Rustbelt mean everything. A source close to the front office was available for comment saying, “We can only hope that one day the fans that froze to death on December 10th 2017 can be thawed out and reanimated so they can one day cheer on the Buffalo Bills again. Maybe we’ll even have had a playoff birth for them to wake up to.”
In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.
Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t fucking exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”
Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.
“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.
Rochester,NY- The past few months have been a very trying time for men in powerful places. From Kevin spacey to Louis C.K., men are for the first time having to take responsibility for their actions. It’s a scary time to be a sexual predator in this cruel world that doesn’t understand that they were just “having fun” and people need to understand things were “different” back then. Our reports have indicated that the man who started this trend of predators being called out for their behavior, Harvey Weinstein has now been found hiding out as a professor at the university of rochester in hopes of some sort of protection from the general public. We were able to get a one on one interview with him and this is what he had to say.
” I just dont understand what this world is coming too, I mean I remember the days where a fella could just yell out their innermost sexual thoughts at a woman on the street and it would be considered flirting. I guess I’ve lost touch with this generation. That’s why I came to the university of rochester, it seems like they remember the good ole days of protecting their own and not just throwing them under the bus. I figure I can spend the rest of my days here as a professor, earn my tenor, and smooth sailing from there. God, I should have been a professor this entire time.”
Update: The university of rochester has reported they will be giving every professor a once a semester “Get out of sexual harassment free” card from now on.
With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.
Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.
Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted
“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”
“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.
“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”
Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.
“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”