Judge Astacio’s Holiday Tips for Decorating A House Arrest Ankle Monitor

WARNING: Make sure before you start bedazzling your ankle monitor for the holidays that you check with your lawyer and the rules given to you by the court. Then go ahead and ignore all those rules because they’ve never stopped you before!

While other people might hide their big, clunky reminders that they’re a criminal, Judge Astacio encourages others to live like her: Loud and Proud! Your ankle monitor is a part of you. So why not make that court-mandated GPS tracker reflect your Christmas spirit!

Tip #1:

Stickers! The hard unforgiving plastic of the ankle monitor makes a great surface for holiday stickers! Great creative with them. Astacio prefers the letter stickers because with them she can write out her catchphrase: “I’m A Judge!”

Tip #2:

This one might be only for others like The Judge that are still collecting a nioce $173,000 judicial salary and benefits because it’s a little pricey but DIAMONDS! They are a girl’s best friend remember! Add a couple here or there using taxpayers dollars as a reminder that you can do anything and also that the system is broken!

Tip#3:

Bows On Bows. Let’s be honest. You bought one bag of bows for your gift wrapping back in 2002 and are still using them. Go ahead and make yourself the real present this year! Slap one of those bad boys onto the strap of the ankle bracelet that, I need to remind you, will land your holiday butt back in jail if you tamper or sever in any way!

Tip#4:

This is a little risky but if you need to get out and grab a cocktail or 5 with your best enabling friends, go ahead and reach for some wrapping paper with metal finished to create an impromptu faraday cage to block out the GPS signal. Got this idea from an electrician this year that blocked his signal using a bag of chips.

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Donald Trump declares himself People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year

In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.

Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t fucking exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”

Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.

“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.

Harvey Weinstein found disguised as professor at U Of R in hopes of protection

Rochester,NY-  The past few months have been a very trying time for men in powerful places. From Kevin spacey to Louis C.K., men are for the first time having to take responsibility for their actions. It’s a scary time to be a sexual predator in this cruel world that doesn’t understand that they were just “having fun” and people need to understand things were “different” back then. Our reports have indicated that the man who started this trend of predators being called out for their behavior, Harvey Weinstein has now been found hiding out as a professor at the university of rochester in hopes of some sort of protection from the general public. We were able to get a one on one interview with him and this is what he had to say.

” I just dont understand what this world is coming too, I mean I remember the days where a fella could just yell out their innermost sexual thoughts at a woman on the street and it would be considered flirting. I guess I’ve lost touch with this generation. That’s why I came to the university of rochester, it seems like they remember the good ole days of protecting their own and not just throwing them under the bus. I figure I can spend the rest of my days here as a professor, earn my tenor, and smooth sailing from there. God, I should have been a professor this entire time.”

Update: The university of rochester has reported they will be giving every professor a once a semester “Get out of sexual harassment free” card from now on.

Rochester Rhinos Allowing Trophy Hunting Of Players In Last Ditch Fundraising Effort

(Nov 30th, 2017 – Rochester, NY)

Today is the deadline for the Rochester Rhinos to reach the $1.3 Million they need to continue playing European Grass Hockey and the owners are trying everything to allow get them money.

“We got the idea from President Trump’s awful sons and their bloodlust against everything that breathes, crawls, walks, or flys in Africa” said Future Former Rhino’s owners.

The fundraising idea that is catching a lot of heat from Rochester Police and Human Right’s Advocates would force the Rochester Rhino’s starting lineup to be released in Highland Park and hunted for sport by the top donor.

“For the low price of $1.3 million dollars I can check hunting the most dangerous game off my bucket list? Count me in” said that dude that shot Cecil The Lion. He is currently in a bidding war with the Zoo Keeper from Cincinnati that shot Harambe.

We asked the Soccer players for comments but they were busy faking injuries to answer our questions.

“Sexual assault awareness awareness month” launched for men upset that they are now becoming aware of sexual assault

With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.

 

Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.

Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted

“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”

“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.

“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”

Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.

“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”

 

Rochester Gets Ready for Its 4th Quarterly Straight Pride Festival: the One With Costumes

 

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Human Punching Bag Costume

ROCHESTER, NY – It is that fourth time of the year again: Rochester’s fourth quarterly Straight Pride Festival, this time costumes.

Straight Pride Season starts in January and runs a short 365 days through to the 31st of December. However, the first big straight pride celebration occurs the weekend of or before March 17th, when straight bros from Rochester and all neighboring cities get together to witness the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and pretend that they are Irish, no matter how Polish or Italian their names are. Celebration culminates vomiting green beer and getting into unnecessary fights.

The second straight pride festival comes two months later on Cinco de Mayo, or May the 5th. It is unknown why the Council of Bros has designated the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla as a day for straight pride, but regardless, the day is designated for straight guys to dress in culturally insensitive outfits, recite inaccurate descriptions of the holiday, vomit tequila, and get into unnecessary fights.

Park Avenue Arts Festival is widely seen in the area as the jewel of Straight Pride Season. 2/3 of Park Avenue and its tributary roads are transformed into a giant open air frat party. There is junk food and beer and liquor and blaring music everywhere. Multiple games of Cornhole and Beer Pong are available to play on nearly every corner. One fortunate year, there were pickup trucks whose beds were filled with water to turn them into makeshift wading pools. Art kiosks are put up to give the illusion of it being a family event, but the real spirit of Park Ave Fest is Peer Pong, vomiting whiskey, and unnecessary fights.

Finally, we come to Halloween. Though the obligatory Fireball shots and unnecessary fighting are observed, this time it is done with costumes. The Council of Bros has designated this straight pride festival to be the one where they can dress as their favorite superhero of movie monster while vomiting Fireball shots and getting into unnecessary fights. The irony is that they often mock cosplayers for doing so, but because of the whey protein and iridescent energy drinks they imbibe on a regular basis, the CoB is immune to claim that they are crybaby basement virgins when they dress in costume.

Women have a myriad of choices for costumes, from “sexy nurse” to “sexy Ninja Turtle”. Anything is on the table for sexualization, even childhood cartoons and inanimate objects. Putting “sexy” in front of any noun is the Rule #34 of Halloween. The night will be filled with multiple events and costume parties, where “sexy” crayons and frat Ironmen will get together to party, vomit, and unnecessarily fight.

If you are lucky, you might find someone dressed in a grotesquely inappropriate costume, such as a radio host dressed as a sexual predator, or someone who bought one of the Bags o’ Racism® available at any of the pop-up costumes stores throughout town. You may even find a person in blackface as a 1958-1986 Michael Jackson, at which point the vomiting will stop, and there will be an actual necessary fight.

Festivities will start promptly at 4:00pm on the 31st, continue through the night, and result in multiple hangovers and call-ins the following morning.

5 Signs That Bitch Stacey Is Dressing Up As Harley Quinn

Rochester NY- Halloween is upon us again, the partygoers will be hitting the streets soon, droves of people dressed as pennywise the clown, batman and the cast from stranger things will roam the streets. Yet, you cant get this feeling off your chest. What is that bitch Stacey going as. You know Stacey, she always downplays Halloween, acts like she doesn’t care. Yet, always has the most elaborate outfit every year as if she didn’t have this planned out months in advance. Here are five signs that bitch Stacey is going as Harley Quinn this year.

  1. She LOVED Suicide Squad– Like seriously, she wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. Do you even care about plot or story Stacey? You shallow asswipe. This is why the movie industry is suffering, because people like you make movies like Suicide Squad win Oscars. Bitch.
  2. She bought the extended cut of Suicide Squad- WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! WHAT IN GODS NAME COULD THEY HAVE ADDED! Is there a scene where Killer Croc gives a monologue about his tough childhood and how growing up with a clearly tragic skin disease caused him to have a life fueled by hate and feeling rejected. No? didn’t think so. Grow the fuck up Stacey.
  3. She posted on a buzzfeed quiz about how she would be Harley Quinn if she was apart of Suicide Squad– Jesus Christ, fuck off.
  4. I found red and black makeup on her dresser- It was just sitting there, I wasn’t like in her room stalking her or whatever, it just happened to be out when I passed by. It’s not weird.
  5. I’m dressing up as Joker– Stacey is my girlfriend, we’ve been fighting a lot, but I hope doing this couples costume will help deal with some major underlying issues in our relationship. I mean, I know couples are supposed to fight, but everyday? That seems a bit excessive..maybe we should go to a counselor or something…..god damn it.