Lilac Festival Announces Cultural Appropriation Awareness Booth

Rochester, NY – Mary Costner, the Director of Cultural Studies and Understanding at the University of Rochester, is excited to announce a brand new cultural appropriation curriculum coming to the University this fall. She plans to debut a watered down curriculum for a group of lucky participants at the Lilac Festival in May.

“After the events of that one chick being a total bitch at San Fransisco State, and some ginger woman becoming the leader of the Washington State NAACP, I felt it was my civic duty as a White American female to teach other ethnicities what white culture is and why they shouldn’t do it.” Costner said, while holding her trademark ‘Costner for Starbucks’ mug and wearing her ‘White Woman Only’ The North Face sweater. It became very clear early in our interview that Costner was unaware of the fact that she herself was actually an African American, and seemed to hold on to what could be seen as ‘white culture’ with as much respect and confusion as Hillary Clinton holding on to Bills phallic member.

“I realized that if so many people want to preserve their culture, then they need to stop doing as us white people do and learn to love their heritage again, by force.” Mary said, while signaling toward the trove of machines and what could only be described as medieval torture devices that lay beneath her tent. “You see, using Pavlovian methods of association, I will teach woman of non-white cultures that doing things like reaching for John Greene novels and not having corn-roles in their hair, will eventually cause them as much pain as they cause their ancestors.”

 

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Roommate Brings Home Eighth Of Weed After Not Having Rent Again

Pittsford, NY- Dan Lewis is getting really tired of his roommate never having rent on time or sometimes not at all. “You know like once in a while is cool, I’m a super chill guy and I really dont like harping on people, especially for money, but when he always shows up with bag after bag of weed, you start to wonder if he’s being sincere anymore. Also he totally never shares any of it.”

We reached out to Dan’s roommate Kyle to get his take on the situation.

” I really dont know what the big deal is, I thought we had an agreement that I would sleep on the couch and pay him rent when I could afford it, I mean everyone has their priorities and mine lies somewhere between the couch cushion and a bag of Doritos, I mean the way I look at it, is without pot I cant focus, if I cant focus on anything, how can I focus on getting a job, I cant focus on making money, or making that album that I’ve always…”

Kyle continued to ramble on, in what this editor can only recall as one of the dumbest rants he’s ever heard. Dan walked into the room at that moment and started yelling at Kyle about his money. Kyle persuaded to offer Dan a “Truce” joint in exchange for the harsh vibes to be turned down. Dan graciously accepted. We spoke with Dan after the incident.

” You know I guess he’s really not that bad of a guy honestly, sure he sucks at paying rent and never stops talking about the grateful dead, but there could be worse roommates and its totally super convenient that my drug dealer lives with me and it will make for some funny stories in the future when I’m a more responsible person.”

Editors Note*

The Inner-loop’s editors in no way sponsor or condone the smoking of marijuana except on occasions that include the sun rising in the morning and if you have to breathe in oxygen on that day.

Psychic Accidently Reads Her Own Mind

Rochester, NY-  It was just another normal day for Anna Jensen, until the unthinkable happened. Her own skill had backfired on her, for years Anna made a living reading the minds of others and helping them understand what was in their future. ” I always knew I had a gift when I was younger, my father use to tell me all the time that I was must have been a mind reader because I think I know everything! So it kind of hit me one day that, I really do know everything and I should use that power to charge people an insane amount of money for it!”

Anne had known that she could read other people’s minds, but she never thought she could read her own, ever since the incident, she’s had trouble coping with it.

” It was just another morning, I was getting ready for another customer and all of a sudden I heard something, it said, wow I can’t believe people actually pay me for this shit, and I realized I was alone! So I thought maybe there were spirits living in the walls and I just heard their spirit thoughts, then I heard another voice say, there are no spirits here you fucking idiot. It was then I realized, I was reading my own mind! It was frightening! I cant believe how many thoughts I have on a daily basis or that I have any at all!”

Anna stopped speaking with us and titled her down, she started holding her forehead as if she was in pain.

“Wait, I feel another thought coming…it’s saying…hold on..It’s saying that this could be the dumbest thing I’ve done yet and I’ve done a whole lot of stupid shit.

Anna started muttering to herself saying “what else, what else..talk to me!”

“It’s saying that I’m filled with guilt on a daily basis and my entire life’s work is a lie, this is the reason my parents stopped talking to me, I take advantage of people who honestly just need some guidance and motivational talk, than some drunk asshole whose never figured out her life and continues to profit on the misery of others! Wow! This is so exciting, I’m going to need a lot of time to sort though all these thoughts of mine and figure out what I’m trying to tell myself!”

Editors Note*

Last we heard of Anna Jensen, she gave up her psychic days and now lives like a normal person who just deals with their emotions and lives with a ton of regret.

 

 

Protests erupt across Monroe County as Jenna’s parents terminate cable subscription

Webster, NY– Hundreds of residents took to the streets Thursday evening after losing access to their HBO Go logins thanks to Jenna Hartree’s cheap ass parents cancelling their contract with Time Warner Cable. Sources for The Inner Loop Blog say as many as 2,000 may lose access to the service mere days before the season 6 premiere of Game of Thrones. Carl and Edith Hartree, of Webster, said in a statement they chose to end their cable television service as part of an effort to cut back on expenses in their retirement, and had no idea their daughter had been sharing their HBO password with so many people. The couple also denounced the protests and vowed they would not back down from the decision, mentioning that re-runs of The Big Bang Theory on CBS were the only television programs they really cared about anyway.

Demonstrators on Monroe Ave. and in the South Wedge have so far remained largely peaceful while carrying signs and chanting slogans such as “No John Oliver, No Peace,” and “Burn It Down, Burn It Down, True Detective, Eastbound And Down.”

“I was like, 2 episodes away from finishing The Jynx, and now I just don’t know what I’m going to do on Friday night,” said Brad Edsel, 23, a protester we caught up with on Meigs St. His despair was echoed by dozens of other 20-something baristas, grad students, and starving artist types who had all been looking forward to binge watching The Leftovers and drinking red wine alone with their cats this weekend.

We reached out to Jenna Hartree for comment by writing “Why your parents gotta be so lame?” On a cocktail napkin, tying it to a brick and throwing it through her apartment window, but her spokesperson has declined to comment.
Editor’s Note: A previous version of this article misidentified a protester’s sign as reading, “Orange Is The New Black Lives Matter,” which was actually from an earlier demonstration after Greg’s stupid ex-girlfriend changed her Netflix password

Rochester Officials Can’t Believe How Easy Gentrification Is

Rochester, NY- Rochester officials gathered around Wednesday night and opened a bottle of champagne in celebration. Mayor lovely Warren took the lead of the night saying to her fellow officials ” It’s days like this that we can all look back and remember, we did the right thing! Despite being constantly attacked by the general public and our consciousness, we have succesful gentrified Rochester!”

The crowd of officials exploded into cheers and laughter, throwing sacks of money at each other and raising the flag of the very symbolic nazi germany over their heads. We spoke with Chairman of the neighborhood and community development Jacklyn Ortiz to see how she felt about this radical change in Rochester. ” I honestly can’t believe how smoothly things have been transitioning for us! I mean you look at places like Mt. hope and how it was struggling neighborhood because of so many gross poor people there and now that we’ve successfully planted so many overpriced restaurants, things really seem to be booming! I mean we have a shop that delivers cookies to people?! Only really fucking rich white kids can afford that shit.”

It seems that this seems to be on going thing happening in Rochester, with other neighbor hoods like Cornhill area seem to really be catching on to this trend.

“We know that the idea of pushing all the poor people in one area and having just one large area of poor people is much easier to deal with  than to have all these poor people scattered around town and kind of just making things super awkward for people who were lucky enough to be born into money.” Said Rochester Official #3

When we asked them if they ever thought about fixing some of the poorer areas of the city, they all roared into laughter and took off through the ceiling on their jetpacks. It seems that Rochester is on a smooth course for gentrtifcation, we all know the biggest battle to come is trying to fix that one patch of Monroe Ave that kind of just fucks it up for everybody.

Editors Note*

Corner Cafe Bakery and Constantinos have recently closed, we have deemed them failures to the white agenda.

 

An Open Letter to People Writing Open Letters

Stop It. For the love of God, please. I know it’s you Carol. I know that it is you writing all of these open letters because Devon left you. But Jesus Christ woman, get a grip. All of your stories are awful, and they don’t make sense. Between “An Open Letter to My Absentee Dad” to “An Open Letter to My Over Protective Father” I can tell that you have as big of a problem with continuity as Donald Trump has with Mexicans – you know it’s around, so you offensively disregard it anyway.

Do us all a favor, close your MacBook and leave whatever Starbucks you are over infesting with your patchouli scented book bag and your cis-normative femscum bullshit. Go back to your whatever Ann Coulter novel is ‘speaking to you’ this month and leave us alone.

Unseasonably cold weather an ominous precursor to Ted Cruz rally, meteorologist says

Rochester, NY — Local meteorologist Brock Hamilton of WROC News 8 said in an interview Monday he now believes the current stretch of unseasonably cold and damp weather we’ve been experiencing is simply the first harbinger of the arrival of Texas Senator Ted Cruz, slated for Friday. “Similar trends were reported in Madison, Wisconsin, just a few weeks ago,” explained Hamilton, “the sky goes grey, the air grows cold and musty as if from the mausoleum of an ancient Viking warlord. It typically turns like this about a week before Senator Cruz arrives.”

While the cold streak is expected to subside this weekend, local residents should not be alarmed by other developments ahead of Friday’s campaign event. Father Daniel Kristof of the First Methodist Church of Christ warns that in the next few days we will likely be dealing with thousands of pigs fleeing to drown themselves in the Genesee River.

“We don’t wan’t people to be alarmed, but parents of small children are being advised to mark their front doors with flat tax proposals Thursday night to ensure that their first borns will be spared,” said Kristof in his Sunday church newsletter.

The rally for Senator Cruz is set to take place Friday afternoon, where the presidential candidate and fallen angel from the seventh circle is expected to deliver his usual stump speech about how New York is populated exclusively by pink-commie, satanist, lesbians, and how the state will burn with Sodom and Gomorrah when President Cruz brings about the second Great Cleansing. Attendees are invited to bring Biology textbooks and Harry Potter novels for a book burning after the candidate’s appearance.

Local weather is expected to improve this weekend, and experts nationwide believe the omens will subside after the Junior Texas Senator is banished back to slumber in Valhalla after a major general election defeat.