Rochester, NY- As Henry Wesson walks down Monroe avenue on his way to grab lunch, a little message appears on his fitbit, “congratulations! You’ve walked over 10 miles today! Only 5 more to go and you’ll meet your daily fitness goal!” “I’ve never been more miserable in my life, sure I’ve lost a good amount of my physical weight, but what permanent damage has been done to my soul?”
Henry Wesson isn’t alone in his struggle, many other fitbit users are experiencing the same dark side-effects of the fitbit. We spoke with local fitbit user Sharon Nester to see how the fitbit has affected her life, “I feel as if I’m just a walking corpse awaiting death, I mean how low does your life have to get where you spend over a $100 on a bracelet that reminds you that you have no self-control and you will become a walking pile of shit if it doesn’t remind you how many calories you’ve consumed?!”
As we were speaking with Henry, his fitbit asked him if he had met his daily goal of calories yet, Henry ripped off his fitbit and threw it across the street. “MY ONLY GOAL IS TO LIVE! NO MORE WILL I FEAR FOOD! I WILL BE A FREE MAN, NOT BOUND BY COMPUTER OR MANS NEED FOR PERFECTION! IF MY BODY IS A REPRESENTATION OF MY HEALTH, THEN I AM TAINTED!”
Other fitbit users were seen coming out bushes and sewers, a large crowd gathered around Henry and lifted him up in the air chanting “He is the one we have been waiting for! All the hail the one free of the bracelet!” The crowd began to go wild and threw all their fitbits into one giant pile and set it on fire. The crowd starting moving down the street, destroying everything in their path.
We approached a local resident on the street to see what he thought of this scene happening right in front of him, his response was “I just don’t understand what the fuss is all about, losing weight really isn’t that hard, stay away from junk food and just exercise regularly.”
In a completely depraved and shameless act of extreme sluttiness, Jeff Langdon made his profile picture one of himself in the bathroom of Chipotle with his entire upper body exposed to the Tinder community.
Declaring that he just wanted to let the world know he’s not ashamed of his body, even with the Godsmack logo on his abdomen, Jeff faced scorn from a society that almost universally finds this sort of smut to be self indulgent and egotistical.
“Disgusting. How does he expect me to take him seriously with that sort of smut? He’s clearly just a dirty whore who wants attention.” Said fellow Tinder user Melanie Rogers
“I just think if he wants me to respect him, he needs to start dressing like he doesn’t want me to fuck him and leave him. Clearly has some mommy issues.” Said Jeff’s Mom, who also uses Tinder.
Still Mr. Langdon has his supporters who say this is a “men’s rights” issue. “He’s taking a stand against these oppressive feminists who just want us to stop loving ourselves and would rather promote their bullshit equality cause whatever the fuck that means” said Chase Hammond, while high fiving a fellow shirtless bro at their frat’s “Fuck a Fat Chick” night. Celebrity penis with a beard Dan Bilzerian Retweeted his story to his loyal minions of sexual predators and said “it’s time us men stood up for our rights as we are now the minority in this country.”
Jeff could not be reached for comment since he was continuing to take shirtless selfies and swiping right without any discrimination, a true hero to all men who face the scorn of vicious attacks on their appearance in all forms of social media and online dating.
Rochester, NY – This past week, British graffiti artist known as “Banksy” debuted new artwork, which is being described as “visual poetry,” alongside the traffic wall on 490 eastbound heading into the city. Townsfolk, city officials, and even local law enforcement are amazed by the heartwarming message and spray quality. Despite the rejoicing, local graffiti artists are petitioning to have the art be removed post haste.
I have spent my whole life here in Rochester putting up my sub-par mushroom art. We don’t need someone like that coming in spraying up our turf.
Fran Larceny [Hair Stylist-Alchemist]
I don’t know who this dude thinks he is but he doesn’t have the right to come to my Flower City and put up his bullshit. I’ve worked too long and hard to let this city know I don’t drink or do drugs.
Straight-edge Sledge Peterson [Guitar pedal repairman]
Banksy was in town for an annual graffiti conference at the Rochester Riverside Convention Center that took place over this past weekend. Many artists were outside the center protesting and the situation has gotten so serious that protesters are suggesting Mr. Banksy be extradited immediately.
Strumpet boy better make his way back to the UK. Letting the world know that Eric is gay and Christina is a whore is the only message that needs to be displayed here.
Rian Bruwski [recently single Rochester native]
Despite the limited criticism of the magnanimous mural, random acts of kindness have been reported all throughout the city within days after the art debuted. Many city residents believe the mural is opening eyes to current inequalities and causing a contagious human harmony, similar to the music of the fictional band Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989).
I don’t really see what’s so special about it. It’s just a boring picture, in my opinion. I mean I could be biased, I believe in showcasing strange lines and shapes that are supposed to be interpreted as letters. Like cursive but worse and more useless.
The protesters currently are still occupying the general area of the convention and have refused to move until the mural is pressure washed from existence. Local businesses are becoming concerned with the pungent body odor in the air and the tiny shanties beginning to emerge.
RELATED NEWS: Monroe County Sewer Maintenance Discovers Clogged Drains from Clove Cigarettes
Chuck Schumer, long time Senator of New York state known mostly for his copy and paste speeches at college graduation ceremonies, decided to go after the online ticket scalping industry and protect ticket buyers from cyber hackers, which has drawn the ire of locals who demand he focus on bigger issues like every other issue facing the state of New York.
“Of all the problems facing this country, and I mean every single one from the national debt, treatment of our veterans, jobs going overseas, and my wife leaving me, and this guy chooses to focus on something that doesn’t affect me personally? Thanks for nothing Senator Narcissist!” said Mark Bardino, a local who also enjoys getting mad at television shows he doesn’t have to watch in his free time.
“When hopeful concertgoers went online the day tickets were made available, they were told they needed a little more than a hungry heart to get tickets,” Schumer said Monday as he continued to ignore the growing poverty level in this country as well as not even once mentioning the attacks in Brussels and how he would stop ISIS.
It was a regular day for Jack Denning, father and former lead singer in Rochester 80s punk band ‘The CaddiDaddis.’ He was tuning up is signature 1985 Fender Telecaster when he found a joint in his the case and decided to break his near 31 year T-break.
After much consideration, Jack tried to connect with his son by playing his favorite Bleachers album, ‘Strange Desire’.
“I just didn’t understand why people cared about all of his bands” Jack said referring to Antinoffs prominent musical pedigree. “They’re catchy and all, but that autotune stuff and over producing was a real draw back for me.”
Eleven minutes into Jacks ‘Bleachers and chill’ sesh,
‘I Wanna Get Better’ comes on the vinyl machine; and something magical happens.
“I had never thought to listen to them high before,” he said. “After the song ended I looked at my song in tears and said ‘You know what Travis,I totally get it now. I WANT to get better’.”
ROCHESTER, NY – Jared Pelkey sits at the bar of the Scotch House Pub and thoughtfully sips the remainder of his fourth Genesee beer. Jared has found himself here before, at this seemingly impossible decision. Two paths lie before him. On the one hand, Jared could order another Genny, his fifth, and continue to nurse his buzz. On the other, he could go start a fight with that guy that bumped into him by the jukebox earlier in the night.
We talked to Jared to see how he was handling the decision.
“It’s tough, ya know? Cuz like, this Genny’s about kicked and I sure do want another one, but that guy over by the jukebox was a total a-hole to me earlier,” Jared grits his teeth as he looks over at the man by the jukebox, a muscular man, large in stature. Even with Jared sitting, it is apparent his would-by foe is has quite an advantage of size. Also notable are they five or six men talking with him also notably larger than Jared. Jared does not seemed phased by the circumstances. “The bartender’s a buddy of mine, and I know he will have my back,” he says. The bartender, a man shorter and less muscular than even Jared hears this and shakes his head
“It’s a matter of principle, ya know? You don’t just bump into a guy like that and not say sorry. It is disrespectful on an unforgivable level,” Jared tips his Genny can fully vertical, taking in the last drops of the watery beer. Jared knows this is the moment of truth. It is now or never.
The man at the jukebox is now walking over to the bar. He comes to a stop, leaning on the counter directly next to Jared. Jared looks down at his empty can and up at the very tall, very physically capable target of his anger. He balls his fists and pushes his bar stool back, standing.
“Hey Paul, can I get another one when you get a second, “ Jared yells to the bartender before sitting back down.
Rochester, NY- It’s 6:30 Am and the room is completely quiet. Lindsey Salinger paves the way for the beginning of yoga class, The sound of silence fills the air, “Namaste, peace be unto you. You are a tree floating in the ocean, completely still and one with the world and one with yourself. “The class is full of the young and old hoping to forget their daily struggles and just connect with the inner zen or whatever shit they believe.” Lindsey says.
Lindsey has been making a living as a yoga instructor for 8 years and she is shocked at how successful its become. “I was just hanging out at Cobbs hill doing some stretches before a run and these ladies approached me and asked me if I was doing yoga and I just said yes! It kind of just went from there, I looked up some YouTube videos and every time I kept going to Cobbs hill, more people kept showing up and following me, especially men!”
“I went from humble beginnings in a park to owning my very own studio!, these people will literally buy anything I say because I’m fit and post pictures on Instagram of me posing in front of some hollowed out birch tree or some shit, while talking about kombucha or something.”
When we asked her if she has any other dreams or ambitions she would like to pursue in the future, she responded with ” I really think I would like to get into mechanical engineering, I mean honestly I feel like I can pretty much do whatever the fuck I want now, I have people paying me a $1,000 per yoga session and now I hear something called Rei Kei is becoming big? You literally just stand over someone and wave your hands over their body and say some Indian shit or whatever. The world is my fucking oyster.”
Lindsey then jumped into her pool full of 100 dollar bills and sank to the bottom, in a sight that can only be described as pure bliss.