Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.
“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”
Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.
“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”
“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.
No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.
Henrietta, NY- Day 3 of the bloody battle continues. As we walked around the mass grave site filled with former LaserTron and Dave & Buster employees, it’s quite evident that this is a war that will continue for decades. Dave & Busters Regional Manger Jacob Riddley roams the battlefield looking for any his own wounded or to put some LaserTron employees out there misery. Jacob walks over to a LaserTron employee crawling along the ground, covered in blood. Jacob flipped the boy over, “Please, just let me go, I have to finish high school.” The sound of a gun shot silenced the boy.
Jacob leaned down and picked up a LaserTron card from the dead boys pocket.”They think they can corner the market on overpriced adult arcades? This will not stand! We will own this land! We will be the only ones to offer cool cup holders with our name on it! This is our land! We are Dave! We are Busters!” The crowd of Dave & Busters employees cheered and threw their D&B power-cards in the air.
Jacob took out his battle-axe and chopped off the head of the LaserTron employee. “I want their heads on spikes in every corner of this plaza!”
We spoke to Daisy Cooper, a former LaserTron employee turned Dave & Busters employee about how she felt being on the other side. “You know I never really thought I would ever find myself on this side of the war, but LaserTron really fucked me over, I just wanted to have a Saturday night off for karaoke night, but they told me I should have wrote it in the time off book earlier in the week, so I quit and killed my manager.”
“Were sure this war is going to rage for a while, we just don’t understand how people dont think were cooler than them, we have a virtual reality game, I mean come on.” Jacob said.
We took a poll to see how the people of Rochester felt about this war. 70% said they could literally give less of a shit, 20% said war what is it good for? and 10% said “Shit, there goes my weekend plans.”
Rochester, NY- Shaking her head in despair, Jessica Kindel looks at her bank account on her iPhone, she just doesn’t understand why she’s broke all the time. “It seems that whenever my friends want to go out, I can never go!” she said as she finished her 15 dollar box of gluten-free Cheetos.
Jessica has been a strictly gluten-free shopper since 2008, “I know a lot of my friends thought I was crazy for making such a drastic change to my lifestyle, but they just don’t understand how gluten affects me.” When asked how gluten effected her she replied ” I don’t know, but I know it’s not good.”
Jessica admitted to us that she understood the risk of never really enjoying life again or expendable cash once she switched to a completely gluten-free diet, but she knows that it’s a commitment she needs to stick to or else her friends will just think its a phase. “My friends are always talking about money as if they only don’t spend it on food, how can anybody really afford anything else but food?” Jessica said
We followed Jessica around as she was shopping at a local Trader Joes. Jessica’s phone started to buzz, “Moments like this are the toughest.” Jessica said. “My friends just asked me if I want to come over for a board game night, but I know I’m going to spend at least 20 minutes deciding if I want the 13 dollar jar of peanut butter or the 15 dollar one and then I have to go home and try to convince my boyfriend that I actually have a gluten-free allergy.”
Jessica put her phone on silent and continued down the gluten-free aisle of Trader Joes, never to be heard from again.
Joseph Redell, 16, has decided to become Pittsford’s newest rap sensation, sources say.
Stating his major inspiration was his “rough and tough” upbringing on the “mean streets” of Nature View, Pittsford, Redell, who now goes by his rap moniker “Lil’ EZ Ca$h”, has reportedly started to get heavily into Rap and Hip Hop music, so much so that he is himself to be come a rapper.
“It’s just like, a real n***a thing, you know?” the painfully caucasian EZ Ca$h stated.
To fund his debut album, EZ’s father, Randal Redell, has given him $6000 and purchased weeks worth of studio time for his “gangsta” son.
“I am a vassal to his whim,” Says Randal, “The boy controls my thoughts and my actions. He is my master, and I his tool. Whatever the boy desires I am to bend earth and shatter sky to please him”
When asked about him being a white, upper middle class, suburban, and only having listened to Limp Bizkit, Redell screamed “F**k Haters!” and made his father buy him a gold chain to “Rep his gang” with.
For his next career move EZ is thinking of buying a “hot glock” and “Maybe some Wu Tang CD’s, Ive heard those playa’s is ill”
Last seen in public furiously shaking a child, Jared Thompson has been having some struggles lately.
Ever since he won a small goldfish at one of the many Monroe County Carnivals, he has been feeling worse and worse about his state of mind. Says Jared, “It’s just like I don’t feel anything any more unless it is pain towards others. It started with shaking the bag that the fish was in, which I expected would cause it to die. But it didn’t.”
Jared has had the fish for 18 years now, each year he says brings “only more emptiness”
“Listen, it’s not like a problem…yet. I just- unless it is immediate and sudden pain, physical or emotional, to those that I deem deserving, I just don’t feel much of anything.” He says, casually putting a cigarette out on a dog.
He has tried everything to cause pain to this goldfish, to no avail.
“Im starting to think that it’s like A Picture of Dorian Grey, except instead of becoming ageless, I’ve lost all of my humanity” Jared whispers gently to the reporter he has tied up and dangled from the top of a building, “If i can kill it eventually i might feel again, but for now I think its just a matter of time before it dies naturally”
As for now, our reporter is still dangling from the rooftop, and Jared is now wanted for arson related sexual crimes.
Henrietta, NY- What started last night as routine construction has quickly turned into something out of an alien invasion film, as more and more Wegmans shopping centers are popping up in strip malls and inside of other stores themselves.
“We were tearing down a main wall to do renovations” Said Harriet Clery, foreman on the construction team, “But when we finished our break there was another Wegmans right where the wall was, just jutting out from the original Wegmans”
Soon, Clery’s team found themselves trapped in a never-ending labyrinth of Wegmans shopping centers, each turn bringing them to another produce section, bakery, or craft beer isle. The incandescent letters of the welcome sign both their only light, and a visage that haunted their every move.
“Maybe we had never even entered the Wegmans” Harriet muses, both her crew and our reporting team trapped within the seemingly endless eons of isles, burning some decorative wreaths for warmth, “Maybe we were all here from the beginning. Maybe it’s the outside world that is a labyrinth, with its hustle and bustle, social niceties, and non-local shopping centers. We were born in the womb of Wegmans, and here we will die.”
Some of the construction crew has started to make effigies of John and Walter Wegman, staring dead eyed into the ever expanding super market. We know we will never escape. We don’t want to escape. Wegmans loves us, and we love it.
“Wegmans is Warmth, Wegmans is Light, Wegmans Supports, Wegmans Provides” We all chant in a low whisper. Our mother can hear us. Thats all who needs to hear us. We love you, Wegmans.
You may have heard that Rusted Root of “that one song in Matilda” fame will be headlining this years Lilac Festival and all other summer festivals in the Rochester, NY area as per their agreement with Satan years ago for granting them a hit song you’ve likely heard in various commercials for rental car companies. “Well Rochester is a really great place to perform, and as much as we’d all like to see our families back in Pittsburgh and experience freedom from a lifetime of enslavement, it’s pretty sweet we’re still remembered for that song that was on the Party of 5 soundtrack in 1996” said lead singer Michael Glabicki, who was currently chained to the Jazz Fest stage eating a molded hot dog roll.
Excitement for the concerts has been tepid, but people still enjoy the pleasant background noise provided while they get drunk and look at the purple flowered bushes. “Oh they’re coming here again? That’s cool. They have that song ‘Hey Jealousy’, I think” said local hot dog vendor Hal Gomes “also they help keep the rats away from my cart by catching and eating them for sustenance. They’re a part of our community now, and I can’t wait to hear them at my buddy’s barbecue on Saturday”