Pack of Lone Wolves Terrorize Desert Town in Nevada

LAS VEGAS – A pack of lone wolves that has been terrorizing the United States since 1982 wreaked havoc on a sleepy Nevada city, forcing an innocent white man to shoot one of his many automatic rifles into a crowd of people enjoying a quiet Sunday brunch with music from local bands. Hundreds were injured, and 59 people perished thanks to this pack of lone wolves. They then forced the man to turn the gun on himself and fled the scene before authorities could apprehend them and stop their murderous, decades long rampage.

The REAL victim, Stephen Paddock, was enjoying a quiet night with 23 of his favorite firearms in his 32nd floor room in the Mandalay Bay bed & breakfast. Police hypothesize that the lone wolves broke into his room door using a swiped key card, loaded his weapons, and positioned Paddock to murder 59 people and injure 527 others. The chaos that entailed has since been gripping the nation, causing them to ponder the reason these lone wolves keep doing this, and why they target such innocent white men. Not counting domestic violence, Lone Wolves have forced 134 people to shoot into public crowds since 1966. Most of these shooters are male and white. Lone Wolves have forced white men to kill 949 people.

Lone Wolves target very specific people. After the men are apprehended or killed, you realize how innocent they are. Most of them are quiet and keep to themselves. They were single loners, came from good homes, had very adorable elementary school and high school pictures, and they often loved their families. Often they are fragile of ego, but they are fine as long as someone strokes their ego incessantly. Sometimes there was a period of time that they may or may not have had a personality disorder or a mental illness, but for the most part they were socially stable angels and pillars of their communities. It may be just coincidence that they own an attic full of nazi paraphernalia or a bootleg copy of The Anarchist Cookbook or a pile of pornographic magazines with the eyes of the models cut out? The Lone Wolves often target these poor men, but they are nice guys, as the family assure everyone. Sometimes the men themselves assure you that they are nice guys in a long written or video manifesto.

No one knows why Lone Wolves do this to such quiet white men, but some believe it is because of their concern for mental health or Chicago or “black on black” crime things that are “too soon”, as these are the subjects most often brought up when they force these innocent white men to kill others and sometimes themselves. No matter what, though, they definitely do NOT want to bring attention to gun regulation in the country.

Authorities continue to search for the pack of lone wolves. If you have any information, just go into hiding, as authorities will not pay attention to them until they’ve made another innocent white man kill people.

 

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Local Racist Harassed by Abolitionist Ghost

BRIGHTON, NY – Hilton resident Will Forberg has not had a good week. He came from his class at Monroe Community College to find the confederate flag affixed to his car had been vandalized. He immediately took to Twitter to express his dismay, saying:

“Shout out to the nigger at mcc who vandalized my confederate flag…you’ll be a white mans property soon enough give trump time”.

So angry was he that he did not see the irony in using black slang (“Shout out”) to denigrate black people. Poor Will also did not realize that New York was a Union state during the Civil War and that the confederate flag is not only the flag of the losing side, but also the symbol quickly adopted by such white supremacist groups as the Ku Klux Klan and Mississippi who wished to intimidate and murder people of color after the collapse of Reconstruction. It is speculated that history classes at MCC are only in the spring semester, which is why Mr. Forberg was ignorant of these facts.

Two days after the vandalization of Mr. Forberg’s American Swastika flag, the assailant came forward. In a short tweet and screen capture image of Will Forberg’s tweet. A Twitter handle by the name of @DeadDouglass stated boldly:

“Yeah, I did it! And you can’t catch me, because I’ve been dead for over 100 years! Whatcha gon’ do now, Lil’ Willy?”

The ghost of Frederick Douglass claimed credit for vandalizing Will Forberg’s flag and used his Twitter account to brag about it. There is no protocol for punishing a ghost for destruction of property, as there is no way to try a dead person for committing crimes. Mr. Forberg has not yet come back to class, as even though Monroe Community College announced that it may do nothing about his statement, or the fact that he proudly displayed a symbol of hate on the campus in direct violation of its student code of conduct. Some speculate that he realized that there are black people on the campus, and he is afraid that they will give him a stern talking to, as black people are known to do.

Frederick Douglass was born into slavery in Talbot County, MD in 1818. He taught himself to read and escaped his life of servitude in his 20s and traveled through Pennsylvania, New York City, Massachusetts and even Great Britain and Ireland, before settling in 1847 in Rochester. Though he died living in Washington, DC as a federal US Marshal, his body is buried in Mt. Hope Cemetery next to his first wife. Since his death, he has been active on Twitter since Donald Trump errantly thought he was alive. Douglass thought it was a call to action and has been harassing bigots from beyond the grave while trying to convince Donald Trump that he is most definitely dead. Due to a Ouija board malfunction, Mr. Douglass could not be contacted for a statement.

 

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull shit on his car every fucking day.

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.

Rochester Restaurants Change The Name Of Garbage Plates To Red Wings To Distance Themselves From Baseball Team

Rochester,NY- “The West Coast of New York” – If you haven’t learned about Rochester’s new amazing decision. The people in charge of making this decision, made this decision. To help promote the cities finest cuisine (albeit the best damn thing you could ever put in your mouth with your clothes on) the Rochester Red Wings will be changing their baseball team name to the Rochester Plates. At least have the pride to take ownership in the authentic rich heritage in calling the Garbage Plate a reduction of its identity.

Shocked by the decision to change this conglomerate of the sports industry into the heart and soul of your dear, (albeit, i’m defending the word ‘garbage’) town. WE ARE GARBAGE AND WE ARE PROUD. In solidarity, Restaurants all across the city will be changing the title ‘Garbage Plates’ on all of their menus into ‘Rochester Red Wings” to both distance the brand from the team, and remind them that they are garbage simultaneously.

But real quick good game against Pawtucket. I don’t remember a lot of the game but at least I can look forward to barfing on a Garbage Plate both literally and on the embroidery of the shirt I wish I wasn’t going to buy but am still glad I did.

 

Brendan Vize is a one time contributor to “The Inner Loop” blog and we will be replacing him as soon as humanly possibly.