Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.
“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”
The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”
The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?
Rochester,NY- Due to the now nationally known incident at United Airlines, Rochester Airport has now decided to jump on the bandwagon and has given their employees full permission to sucker punch any person on an airplane for no reason whatsoever. This decision was made to really let people know that the Rochester airport is not just some “safe place” where nothing really happens and just kind of lame. This is a new campaign to show the Rochester airport can be dangerous and news worthy! We spoke with Adrian Schultz a flight attendant for the Rochester airport for over twenty years to see how she’s taking the news.
” When it was first announced, I was skeptical, but now I feel so empowered! The other day this older man was just asking me if we had sparkling water and I hit him so hard in the mouth he swallowed his dentures! Who knew punching complete strangers could be so freeing! I love sneaking up on people who are trying to nap and punching them right in their naive little ears. I heard we get a nice little bonus if it’s a person of color! I love working here!”
Rochester airport has declined to respond if they are offering a christmas bonus for yelling the most racial slurs while passengers are boarding their flight.
Rochester, NY-Local gentleman Brian has presented himself with the daunting task of explaining feminism to all his female acquaintances. It’s hard work, but someone’s got to do it. Listen, he read the intro to “The Feminine Mystique”. It breaks poor Brian’s heart to see these foolish women posting their negative comments online. “You need to have more confidence in yourself!” Brian furiously types, while shaking his head in disdain at Heather’s latest “self deprecating” post. “I’m a body positive feminist and I think ALL women are beautiful” Brian continued, “but of course, no one wants to date me. I’m constantly in the friend zone. Nice guys finish last!” He ended his empowered plea with a “sad face” emoji because he GETS it.
He then patted himself on the back for teaching another sad, uninformed young woman about the true meaning of feminism. When would he find his feminist princess who loves to eat pizza, drink genesee cream ale, be body positive, and remain a size two? When would a Victoria’s Secret model with a great sense of humor come into his life? She would laugh at his jokes the way he laughs at the jokes of Amy Schumer, and all those other female comedians that he totally knows the name of, but just can’t remember right now? Just give him a second. He definitely knows other female comedians. He’s feminist AF. He has a tee-shirt that says “this is what a feminist looks like” and he’s not even being ironic when he wears it.
Local women have described Brian as “creepy”, ” a little too too willing to walk them home” and “that guy who always played devil’s advocate in my women’s studies class.”
Rochester,NY- It’s that time of the year again, where we forget that the Irish people have a rich history of amazing accomplishments and just dumb them down to a mental illness that has plagued their families for generations on end,”alcoholism”. Yet, this is not the topic of this article today. Today we are here to honor the one lone black man in the St. Patrick’s day parade, this man remained unnamed, yet is a hero in everyone’s book. Here at the Inner Loop, we have written a letter to his strange black man, who dares defy the odds.
Dear Lone Black Man,
We don’t know how you got there and quite honestly, we do not care. We only want you to know that from here on out, you are to be considered a hero among us peasants, where we could not in a million years imagine putting ourselves in your position, we look at you as a mythical being, transcending even time and space, better than the astronauts, better than the scientist who cure diseases. You dare to put yourself in a crowd of drunken angry irish white people, who to be quite honest, are probably fifty percent cops. You walk among them, like a sheep among wolves waiting to be devoured. You sir are one of a kind. We salute you, walk down that street filled with the false idols of floats and the irish dancers confined to the same rhythm of life. You have your own rhythm, no one will ever be able to touch it. Thank you sir, we thought heroes were a thing of the past. Yet we are all in awe of your greatness. A thousand fortunes and blessings upon your family sir.
Sincerely, The Inner Loop
Rochester, NY- Police Chief Michael Ciminelli announced that Rochester police officers will be switching to commemorative bullets honoring famous abolitionist and social reformer, Frederick Douglass for the month of February. The engraved bullets depict Douglass and feature several quotes from his most famous speeches.
Frederick Douglass of course lived in Rochester when he began publishing the abolitionist newspaper The North Star. Douglass lived in Rochester for the majority of his life and was buried in Mount Hope Cemetery, along with Susan B. Anthony.
Mayor Lovely Warren said of the gesture, “That’s a step in the right direction, I guess.” She then bit down on her pen so hard the clicky part broke.
Rochester, NY- Tensions are high as our new president Donald Trump, within his very first week, has incited more chaos than when the Phantom Menace was released and we all started to slowly realize it was actually a really bad movie. This is no movie, this is real life and every day it seems as if Donald Trump aims to keep upping the shock factor. Just two days ago he signed an executive order to ban people from seven majority Muslim countries from entering our own. While Donald Trump may think he has “logical” reasons for this ban, we here at the Inner Loop believe that there are much more significant things he could have banned instead of Muslims.
- My Ex-Wife-I mean seriously, this one is a no brainer. She’s a horrible human being who destroyed my heart and took my dog with her as well. If anyone deserves to be banned into the outer circles of hell, it is this woman. Also, side-note, she could have totally been a terrorist. I’m not trying to be judgmental, but she was a big fan of Indian food, suspicious? You betcha.
- Toaster Strudel- What the fuck is this thing? It’s not a pop tart, which has clearly cornered the market on chemically induced breakfast foods. Plus you have to drizzle your own fucking frosting on it? Nonsense, this thing is setting our country to terror code red in my opinion.
- Nicolas Cage– Nicolas Cage at one point was considered an A list actor. Not anymore, so why do I have scroll through my Netflix browser and see his horribly depressing straight to DVD movies? Super un-American and it just kind of kills my vibe. We can remember Nicolas Cage during the days of “Face-off” and yes even “National Treasure”, his time has passed and we need to let him die.
- Commercials on Hulu- This is an atrocity to the American Spirit, you’re telling me that I have to pay $9.99 a month for this shit and I still get commercials?! Then I have to pay an extra five bucks a month for a commercial free Hulu? Terrorism at its finest, people. Open your eyes.
- Himself- Yup, Donald Trump should ban himself for being the most ignorant, hate mongering, pathetic loser this country has ever voted into office. He represents everything wrong with the government and humanity itself. I hope this guy has a Willy Wonka elevator in his office and just gets in one day and ejects himself into the fucking sun.
“The Inner Loop is a non-biased association”
Rochester, NY-The Mayor has announced today that the city of Rochester has finally made the decision on who would be the city’s first stepdad. At first, many of the cities various used car dealers stood out among the crowd. But only one won the hearts and minds of their step-child city.
Rochester, meet your new step-dad: Dan Edwards
Dan Edwards of the Vision Automotive group was selected out of thousands of individuals for his passions, his determination, and the fact that we could totally see him giving us the finger guns after plowing our mom.
Other strong contenders were Dick Ide of the Dick Ide Honda group, who told the judges about his motorcycle and how he was in a gang “back in the old days”, and Billy Fuccillo, of Fuccillo Automotive Group, who gave the judges some of his vintage skin mags and took them to an R-rated movie.
But it was Dan Edwards who really wowed the crowds. After he showed off his vintage Les Paul guitar, he shredded out to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight this Feeling” even though the amp wasn’t working. Then let the judges have some of his beer,
“Don’t worry,” He said, guitar still just barely plugged into the amp, “I won’t tell your mom.”
Dan Edwards is now an immortal symbol of hitting on your step son’s prom date, teaching us how to “really lay the love on a woman”, and selling used cars. His Bon Jovi good looks and use of the word “Bangin'” when referring to your mom is exactly what Rochester needed in it’s official step-dad.
Thank you, Dan Edwards, for proudly serving your city.