“Sexual assault awareness awareness month” launched for men upset that they are now becoming aware of sexual assault

With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.

 

Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.

Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted

“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”

“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.

“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”

Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.

“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”

 

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Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

Next Presidential Debate To Be Held In Chuckie Cheese Ballpit

Rochester, NY- America finally tuned into what was sure to be an interesting night. Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump going head to head. As America watched, we could only draw one conclusion at the end of the debate. Hilary and Donald are at the wrong venue. After some thought they have decided that their next venue would be the local Chuckie cheese in “Big Johns plaza” right next door to dominoes.  We spoke with Donald’s campaign party to understand why they made such a risky move.

“After the debate last night, it was pretty obvious that Donald was not in his element. We know that he struggles with big, scary rooms filled with people who have opposing ideas. So we thought that he would really feel at home in a chuckie cheese ball pit. We know Donalds loves their pizza and the exciting noises of the arcade machines. We want to give him a fighting chance to really show the american public that he is really a man of the people and of children under the age of twelve.”

We also spoke with Hilary’s campaign party to see how she would be handling this new venue.

“Hilary has always loved ballpits, we know that Hilary personally has three to four ball pits in her house and she has always been a ballpit person. We know there was a time where Hilary spoke out against people who enjoyed ballpits, but we are really trying to change her image to whatever the people need in order to make them feel comfortable lowering their standards to vote for her.”

Top 5 Questions We Want Answered In The Debates

With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates

1) Why does the old man want my bones?

Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.

2. How do we fix the economy ?

I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.

3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?

This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)

4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?

Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.

5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?

I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.

 

Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com

Man Trying To Merge Into Lane Says “Fuck It” And Violently Swerves Into Traffic

Rochester,NY- Rush hour traffic. We’ve all been there. You’re just getting out of a long day of work and all you want to do is go home and have a nice cold beer to kick off the rest of your night. Kyle Linden was feeling this way Friday afternoon. Kyle clocked out on Friday with high hopes. Kyle found himself turning onto 590 North, as Kyle was speeding up he realized in order to make it to his exit he would have to cross over three lanes in order to get to his exit on time. We spoke with Kyle to understand his point of view on this situation.

“You know I just dont get it, why would my exit be on the complete opposite side of where I need to be? You think they would create some straight path to my home, instead of making me try to cross the road like a game of frogger. You know I did think for a moment about turning on my left blinker and slowly lane by lane trying to make my way across. Then I thought to myself. Do I care about the safety of others?  The answer is no. So I drove my car through three lanes in the span of five seconds. Sure I heard beeps and screams, maybe even an accident or two, but you know what? I made it home. That’s all that really matters to me.”

Kyle informed us that he may have been driving under the influence of being just a complete asshole.

Donald Trump claims to have pneumonia that is superior to Hillary’s

“There has been alot of talk about Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia, but I assure you, I have the best pneumonia of any politician. Mine is far more debilitating than hers has ever been. No one in the republican or democratic party can compete with my pneumonia. It’s so debilitating it would make your head spin. I should be dead right now, I swear.”

Said Donald Trump at a rally in Los Angeles, California addressing a recent press release that confirmed that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton had a case of pneumonia.

The Donald referred to it as “classic liberal media bias” stating that

“I have been number one in the pneumonia game for years, but you don’t hear anyone talking about it, the coverage has been unfair.”

He then went on to blame China for the problem, as well as saying that he felt like there were “too many blacks in sports, it’s hard to tell which player is which.”

 

“Abby Wambach Driving Experience” Surprise Hit at This Years Fringe Festival

ROCHESTER, NY-Move over ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ and say hello to ‘BAC like Wambach.’ The surprise hit at this year’s Fringe Fest let’s you step into the driving shoes of hometown hero Abby Wambach.

“It seemed like a really dumb idea” said Clark Peterson the creator of the Fringe event. “I submitted the idea thinking it would get turned down, but it is true what they say, Fringe will accept anything.”

The Fringe show takes place Peterson’s Parents Basement around 11pm when they fall asleep. After drinking to the point you can’t feel your face, in honor of the amount of head-in goals Wambach scored in her career, you put on Virtual Reality goggles and try to drive down the same Portland streets Wambach did when she was arrested for DUI in April of 2016.

Tickets include a ride home from Peterson’s parents if you can wake them up politely.