Rochester’s Revolving Restaurant To Be Replaced With A Fidget Spinner

Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.

“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”

The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”

The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?

 

 

SPECTRUM CEO VANQUISHES TIME WARNER CABLE DEMON!

Rochester N.Y. – The people of Rochester have lived in the shadow of a vicious hell beast for too long.  For years, the tyranny of Time Warner Cable has imprisoned us and a dark cloud of fear and hate has covered the city.  But no longer will we live in terror, for it is a new day. Spectrum Cable President and CEO, Tom Rutledge, has vanquished the Time Warner Cable Demon.

Armed with only his mighty sword Dáinsleif, the lost sword of King Högni, and his own strength and determination, Rutledge stormed the castle walls to the lair of the beast.  Determined to cast Time Warner Cable back to the bowels of hell from whence it came, Rutledge the Mighty fought tooth and nail to bring peace to Upstate New York.  The battle raged on, some say for days, others for weeks. In the chaos of the fight, Rutledge raised his mighty sword high above his head; a bolt of lightning struck the blade.  In one fell swoop, Rutledge thrust his sword through the heart of the beast. Its villainous core erupted with black smoke and the Time Warner Cable Demon wailed in agony as its ashen blood poured from its unhealable wound.

“Back, back to hell you go, I command it!” bellowed Tom, “you’ll do know more evil here, set your customers free from the curse of your unfair rates and insane contract stipulations!!!” And with speed of Spectrum’s lightning quick internet, Rutledge swung his sword one last time, lopping the head of the beast completely off of his body. It was done, the fiery clouds cleared, beams of sunshine broke through.  The murky, grim waters of the Genesee ran crystal clear once again and at last, Time Warner Cable had fallen. Our hero, Tom Rutledge, President and CEO of Spectrum Cable, hobbled his way to the town square to meet the people waiting for him and in triumph, raised the head of the demon high in the air and yelled, “IT’S A NEW DAY!”

Irondequoit Preparing For Tornado For Years By Always Looking Like Shit

Rochester,NY-  News has just spread that a potential tornado could be headed into the Rochester area. Many are seeking shelter, going to Wegmans to prepare for the inevitable power outage. Many towns are taking action, closing off the streets, making sure that they can minimize damage. Yet one town has already been taking action, Irondequoit has known for years of the tornado about to touchdown and has made sure that their town has always looked like a tornado hit it. We spoke with the town supervisor to see how it feels to be ahead of the game.

” You know, Irondequoit usually doesn’t do many things right, but I really think we’ve nailed it. Finally after so many years of people doubting our intentions and thinking we were crazy and a tornado was never coming, we know now that our intentions were pure and the non-believers will now bow down to us in awe of our amazing ability to predict the future! Also, we can’t really afford any sort of clean up crew, so that also helps with this situation.”

Rochester Airport Employees To Start Sucker Punching Passengers At Will

Rochester,NY- Due to the now nationally known incident at United Airlines, Rochester Airport has now decided to jump on the bandwagon and has given their employees full permission to sucker punch any person on an airplane for no reason whatsoever. This decision was made to really let people know that the Rochester airport is not just some “safe place” where nothing really happens and just kind of lame. This is a new campaign to show the Rochester airport can be dangerous and news worthy! We spoke with Adrian Schultz a flight attendant for the Rochester airport for over twenty years to see how she’s taking the news.

” When it was first announced, I was skeptical, but now I feel so empowered! The other day this older man was just asking me if we had sparkling water and I hit him so hard in the mouth he swallowed his dentures! Who knew punching complete strangers could be so freeing! I love sneaking up on people who are trying to nap and punching them right in their naive little ears. I heard we get a nice little bonus if it’s a person of color! I love working here!”

Rochester airport has declined to respond if they are offering a christmas bonus for yelling the most racial slurs while passengers are boarding their flight.

5 Signs You’re listening To 98.9 The Buzz Morning Show

Rochester,NY- It’s the crack of dawn, you’re getting into your morning routine. You grab some breakfast,  you wait in the Dunkin donuts drive thru. It’s a good morning, yet something happens. You turn on your radio just hoping to maybe dial in to a throwback 80’s tune or maybe some of that new age rock stuff your kids tell you about. You hear voices, you start to cringe, your hands start to shake. What am I listening to and will it ever stop? Chances are you’re listening to the Buzz Morning Show. Just to be sure you’re not going crazy, here at the Inner Loop, we have crafted a list of five signs you are listening to the Buzz Morning show so you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.

 

1) Your Ears Start To Bleed- As you’re listening to Chris Konya try to describe what he ate this past weekend, you can’t help but notice the slow drips of blood streaming out of your ears, you feel trapped. You dont want to listen, but yet you can’t dare change the station.

2) Scott Spezzano Mentions He’s Old Every Twenty Minutes- If Scott’s not promoting some event where you pet puppies or shave your head, he is definitely going to be talking about how old he’s getting, or his kids, or how he’s getting old and old. Why are we still listening?

3) Chris Konya Will Talk About “This Is Us”- Usually about five minutes into the program Chris will start asking you if you cried at the last episode of This Is Us, which you have no idea what the fuck that show is and why you should care?

4) Chris Konya Will Start Taking Calls To Talk About “This is Us”- Did we mention Chris loves “This Is Us”. Now he’ll start taking callers opinions about the episode the night before or how “relatable” the show is. Yet again, we know this is supposed to be a local radio show, but it seems Chris Konya has a massive erection for “This Is Us”.

5) Chris Konya Still Won’t Shut The Fuck Up About “This Is Us”- I know, I know. When will they start playing mediocre music and just shut up about this show already. At this point we recommend you just let go of your steering wheel and let the lord above take you off the road as you listen to Chris Konya breakdown each episode of “This Is Us’ in painstaking detail that makes you wonder if God does exist and when will he strike down the Buzz Morning Show.

 

Rochester To Return To Normal State Of Chaos, Instead Of Windy State Of Chaos

Rochester, NY- A storm like no other came through Rochester last week. Trees crashed on top of cars, power lines were going down left and right. Chaos ran the streets of Rochester. The 81 miles per hour wind came in and nearly decimated our beautiful city. Luckily, this has passed. As it stands now most of Rochester has power and everything has now returned to its normal state of chaos. We spoke with a local resident to see how he’s handling the nice return to Rochester’s perpetual normal state of chaos.

” I’m so grateful for those winds to finally have calmed down, I’ll tell yah it was getting pretty scary. Now I can walk down the streets without the fear of a tree falling on me and just get back to avoiding eye contact with the uncomfortable amount of homeless people on the streets. I saw an entire roof get blown off during the storm, scary stuff. It’s nice to just go back to being racially profiled on a regular Rochester afternoon.”

Don’t Understand Feminism? Let Brian explain it to you!

Rochester, NY-Local gentleman Brian has presented himself with the daunting task of explaining feminism to all his female acquaintances. It’s hard work, but someone’s got to do it. Listen, he read the intro to “The Feminine Mystique”. It breaks poor Brian’s heart to see these foolish women posting their negative comments online. “You need to have more confidence in yourself!” Brian furiously types, while shaking his head in disdain at Heather’s latest “self deprecating” post. “I’m a body positive feminist and I think ALL women are beautiful” Brian continued, “but of course, no one wants to date me. I’m constantly in the friend zone. Nice guys finish last!” He ended his empowered plea with a “sad face” emoji because he GETS it.

He then patted himself on the back for teaching another sad, uninformed young woman about the true meaning of feminism. When would he find his feminist princess who loves to eat pizza, drink genesee cream ale, be body positive, and remain a size two? When would a Victoria’s Secret model with a great sense of humor come into his life? She would laugh at his jokes the way he laughs at the jokes of Amy Schumer, and all those other female comedians that he totally knows the name of, but just can’t remember right now? Just give him a second. He definitely knows other female comedians. He’s feminist AF. He has a tee-shirt that says “this is what a feminist looks like” and he’s not even being ironic when he wears it.

Local women have described Brian as “creepy”, ” a little too too willing to walk them home” and “that guy who always played devil’s advocate in my women’s studies class.”