Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”
“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.
As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.
“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”
Rochester, NY- Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo. Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around. Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns. Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.
Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties: Wren Staar and Felix Rolins. The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful. “It just seemed so natural, you know? So serene.” recalled Onyx. ” I wish I could have been a part of it, actually. Could you imagine going out like that? It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”
A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost. The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.
Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
Rochester,NY- Brendan Stanz just graduated from MCC and is looking forward to using his liberal arts degree for everything its worth. He sat down at his local coffee-house and wrote out his five-year plan, he’s been waiting for this day his entire life. We were able to get an exclusive interview with Brendan, this is what he had to say about his life.
” I can’t believe I made it this far, I’m so excited. I’ll be the hundredth person or so in family to acquire a liberal arts degree, it’s nice to keep mediocrity running in the family. I figured for the first three years after college, I can get a job at a local Starbucks, spend most of my nights getting high and having emotionless sex with some of my co-workers. From that point on I’ll dive into a deep depression realizing I have no drive and my education was a waste. Then I figure around the fourth of fifth year, my dad will keep sending my job links to paychex, I’ll cave in eventually and stop smoking pot, get a steady 9- 5 while slowly watching my dreams fade away! Super excited!”
Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being fucking kidding him this whole time.
“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.
“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me?”
“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”
We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.
Rochester,NY- It was just a normal Thursday afternoon for Sandra Butterscotch when she stumbled upon the experience of a lifetime. “It was amazing, I almost can’t describe it. I just locked eyes with myself and snapped the shot. I couldn’t believe how perfect the lighting and the angle was. I just wanted to share it with the world.” She recalled telling us the tale. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until I started getting more likes on the post than I had friends. It was like whoa, something big is happening here.”
Sandra has since moved to the mountains of Eastern Asia to teach her ways. This is where we met with her to discuss the events. “It was right around ten million likes that I realized, that we are all connected and that the self is just an illusion. There is so much more to consciousness than just what our six senses allow us to perceive in this one physical reality.” She goes on. “But I’d say the number one key to ALL of this, is probably the Valencia filter type.
Rochester,NY- Devin Baxter knew he always wanted to be a cop. He remembers playing cops and robbers with his friends during sleepovers and just thinking to himself, how great it’s going to be when one day he finally gets to chase down the bad guys. Fast forward to twenty years later and Devin is finally living his dream. Yet, his new assignment has been one of his toughest jobs in recent years. He’s been assigned to the east ave Wegmans parking lot for the past six months. We spoke with Devin to see how this job has affected his mental health and his life.
” I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my line of work, but I really don’t think anything would’ve prepared me for this job. I’ve seen people run over old women, parking spaces covered with cans of Wegmans tomato sauce. Racial slurs being tossed back and forth by drivers. You want to see humanity at its worst, come down to east ave wegmans parking lot. These people dont care about anything except a dinner served with fresh avocados. I tell my kids every night to avoid this place, you have to keep your children safe at the end of the day.”