Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”
“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.
As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.
“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”
Rochester, NY- Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo. Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around. Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns. Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.
Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties: Wren Staar and Felix Rolins. The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful. “It just seemed so natural, you know? So serene.” recalled Onyx. ” I wish I could have been a part of it, actually. Could you imagine going out like that? It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”
A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost. The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.
Rochester,NY- A shocking new study is taking the nation by storm, scientist have now discovered that fried dough is definitely the number one reason you’re a fat single piece of shit. It has taken the number one spot away from being ” You have a horrible personality”. We we’re able to speak Tricia Berman, one of the scientist who helped discover this major breakthrough. This what she had to say.
” After years of researching and failed studies after failed studies, It was so nice to finally uncover the truth to this mystery for so long, so many people out there are fat single pieces of shit, but no one knew exactly why! Sure we had our theories, there was the mountain dew theory, the tiny penis syndrome theory. Yet nothing was quite as clear as eating excessive amounts of fried dough definitely being the reason most americans are fat single pieces of shit. I can finally rest easy at night knowing that americans have finally learned the truth about their terrible fate.”
Tricia spoke with us and let us know her team is working hard on their next study of “Are people who argue about politics actually making any difference?”
Rochester,NY- In a shocking turn of events, it seems that the city officials have cancelled the Park Avenue festival and have now turned to a different theme all together. Instead of the usual food trucks, unique accessories and just overall drunkenness, it will just be a lone middle aged white guy by the name of Chad who will be walking up and down all of Park Avenue mansplaining equality to everybody who walks by. We spoke with Chad to see how he’s handling this responsibility.
” When I was first approached about this job, I was skeptical, I mean could I, a simple middle-aged white guy , replace a festival of drunk white people eating pizza out of a food truck and considering it cultured, then I thought back to my nice ancestral white roots and realized I can damn near do anything I want. Plus equality is an important topic to me, white people have it just as hard as any other race out there. Sometimes due to my genetics I can’t be outside on sunny days without sun tan lotion, I mean talk about having it rough.
If you want to hear chad mansplaining this weekend, just look for the guy wearing a rusted root t-shirt and wearing sandals that are one size too big for him.
Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
“I can’t catch a break” Said Klara Hitler, mother of 6 month old Adolf.
“I don’t know what exactly he did to deserve this, I mean that one time he spit up on our new rug, but I don’t think that warrant this amount of attempted assassinations.”
Like clockwork, every night at around 6pm Klara says a different man in a shiny jumpsuit materializes in her home and attempts to murder her son.
“At this point it’s just annoying. I mean I barely get any sleep as it is, what with the newborn and all, and now I’ve got to fight off intergalactic time travelers to boot, and they always show up right in the middle of supper, like, come on!.”
Rochester, NY – As the Puerto Rican Festival is underway, attendants are very thrilled with the overwhelming police presence. Over the past several years, it would take hours, sometimes days, for the officers to question and search each attendee. One member of the proud PR community, Jonnie Reyes was happy that he was detained and searched only a short 2 hours after entering the festival.
“Typically we can’t start really having fun until the police are comfortable and have searched everyone.” Jonnie, a 35 year old Monroe High School Graduate and ten year Puertorican Festival goer. “Last year my family and I weren’t even questioned on the first day. So we had to make the return trip the next day to make sure Officer Broman knew we were “One of the good ones” as he would say to us. We love making sure white people feel safe around anything that they aren’t use too.”
Due to the increased police support at this years festival, searchings and residential inquiries were over by the 2pm on the second day of the festival. Rochester Police officers felt comfortable and welcomed by the community. Only 3 meetings were scheduled to remind officers that Puerto Ricans are US citizens.