Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

Woman With Blue Hair Swears She’s Emotionally Stable

Rochester,NY- Jessica Nichols has decided to take a stand against stereotypes and stigmas, she knows that people tend to look down on people who have “eccentric” hair and they claim to be less stable than others, but Jessica is here to end that claim. We were able to get a personal interview with her at her studio apartment where the phrase “You are loved” is poorly written on her wall. This is what Jessica had to say for herself.

“First off, I want to thank you for interviewing me to help me clear the air on this topic and I just want to make this clear that it was my idea to do this interview and not yours, I am my own person and controlled by my own actions. I colored my hair blue to show who I really am, I am a unique person and in this crazy earth controlled by men, I will let the universe know that I am one with her and I am connected to it. I mean how could anyone think that god would or whatever created us would be a man? Women are the creators of life and if need be, the destroyers. This hair represent more than a color, it represents a unity of fighting oppression of the color that seeks to destroy us…

At this point Jessica just kind of went off track and decided that she really needed to post a picture on instagram of a person becoming a tree or some bullshit with a quote of nature being apart of us or something.

Local Man Wonders What He Will Mutter Under His Breath Tonight

Rochester,NY- Johnathan Pascoe has had a very long day, he wanted to just come home, relax, maybe catch up on his favorite Netflix show and kick his feet up. Yet, something seems to be bothering him, he doesn’t know what he’s going to passively aggressively mutter under his breath tonight, there are so many choices sometimes, it seems as if a clear decision can’t be made. We spoke with Johnathan to see how he is handling this crisis.

“I’ve dealt with some difficult choices in my life, but for some reason this seems to be really getting under my skin. I mean my choices are unlimited, I could probably call my wife a “bitch” when she walks away from me, or I could say something from across the room to my daughter like “ungrateful brat”. I mean the choices are just so vast. Last week I my wife caught me saying “must be nice”. I really need to perfect the art of being a sneaky asshole in my own home. Progress, not perfection, am I right?”

Next Presidential Debate To Be Held In Chuckie Cheese Ballpit

Rochester, NY- America finally tuned into what was sure to be an interesting night. Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump going head to head. As America watched, we could only draw one conclusion at the end of the debate. Hilary and Donald are at the wrong venue. After some thought they have decided that their next venue would be the local Chuckie cheese in “Big Johns plaza” right next door to dominoes.  We spoke with Donald’s campaign party to understand why they made such a risky move.

“After the debate last night, it was pretty obvious that Donald was not in his element. We know that he struggles with big, scary rooms filled with people who have opposing ideas. So we thought that he would really feel at home in a chuckie cheese ball pit. We know Donalds loves their pizza and the exciting noises of the arcade machines. We want to give him a fighting chance to really show the american public that he is really a man of the people and of children under the age of twelve.”

We also spoke with Hilary’s campaign party to see how she would be handling this new venue.

“Hilary has always loved ballpits, we know that Hilary personally has three to four ball pits in her house and she has always been a ballpit person. We know there was a time where Hilary spoke out against people who enjoyed ballpits, but we are really trying to change her image to whatever the people need in order to make them feel comfortable lowering their standards to vote for her.”

Top 5 Questions We Want Answered In The Debates

With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates

1) Why does the old man want my bones?

Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.

2. How do we fix the economy ?

I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.

3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?

This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)

4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?

Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.

5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?

I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.

 

Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com

Donald Trump claims to have pneumonia that is superior to Hillary’s

“There has been alot of talk about Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia, but I assure you, I have the best pneumonia of any politician. Mine is far more debilitating than hers has ever been. No one in the republican or democratic party can compete with my pneumonia. It’s so debilitating it would make your head spin. I should be dead right now, I swear.”

Said Donald Trump at a rally in Los Angeles, California addressing a recent press release that confirmed that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton had a case of pneumonia.

The Donald referred to it as “classic liberal media bias” stating that

“I have been number one in the pneumonia game for years, but you don’t hear anyone talking about it, the coverage has been unfair.”

He then went on to blame China for the problem, as well as saying that he felt like there were “too many blacks in sports, it’s hard to tell which player is which.”

 

“Abby Wambach Driving Experience” Surprise Hit at This Years Fringe Festival

ROCHESTER, NY-Move over ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ and say hello to ‘BAC like Wambach.’ The surprise hit at this year’s Fringe Fest let’s you step into the driving shoes of hometown hero Abby Wambach.

“It seemed like a really dumb idea” said Clark Peterson the creator of the Fringe event. “I submitted the idea thinking it would get turned down, but it is true what they say, Fringe will accept anything.”

The Fringe show takes place Peterson’s Parents Basement around 11pm when they fall asleep. After drinking to the point you can’t feel your face, in honor of the amount of head-in goals Wambach scored in her career, you put on Virtual Reality goggles and try to drive down the same Portland streets Wambach did when she was arrested for DUI in April of 2016.

Tickets include a ride home from Peterson’s parents if you can wake them up politely.