Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That fucking pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again
- The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
- The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
- That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
- Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a fucking half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
- You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. Fuck your life.
With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.
Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.
Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted
“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”
“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.
“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”
Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.
“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”
Rochester N.Y. – Marissa Collins is a normal 27 year old young professional. She has a good job, a bustling social life and a boyfriend of three years whom she plans to spend the rest of her life with. Marissa has always wanted a family but knows that her youth is important to her and doesn’t want her life to take a turn due to an unplanned pregnancy. A long time birth control user, Marissa has taken a leap of faith by cancelling her birth control prescription and trading it in for a season pass to Seabreeze Family Fun Park.
“The time spent at Seabreeze is an obviously more efficient and more practical form of birth control,” said Marissa. “Who wants to have their alarm embarrassingly go off once a day, alerting everyone nearby that you are actively pre-aborting fetuses before they are even made.”
Marissa tells us that instead of taking a pill daily, she spends a half a day at the amusement park once a week and it extinguishes any ability of her own to procreate and conceive a child. “The throngs of screaming spawn, running around the park with pee in their pants and hair may as well be a chastity belt with a melted key,” says Collins’ longtime boyfriend, Nathan Brown. “It’s frustrating at times, but the days her and I spend at the park are fun, and I can barely get a boner anymore as it is after having my groin scrunched by roller coaster constraints so many times.”
We asked the couple if they planned on one day having a child of their own to bring to the park and enjoy in the fun, to which Marissa replied with laughter, “Maybe one day, when they bring back the Gyrosphere.” But for now, the pair seem content with their decision to keep their genitals dormant like sleeping volcanos. “After seeing how simple it is for any old set of idiots to make a grosser, smaller version of themselves, the thought of birthing a child seems to have lost its luster for me,” said Ms. Collins, “Now get out of my way, I need to try and sneak this cotton candy onto the Jack Rabbit.”
Rochester, NY- The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!
” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”
David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.” To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.
“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”
Yup. That pretty much sums it up.
Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.
Rochester, NY- Tensions are high as our new president Donald Trump, within his very first week, has incited more chaos than when the Phantom Menace was released and we all started to slowly realize it was actually a really bad movie. This is no movie, this is real life and every day it seems as if Donald Trump aims to keep upping the shock factor. Just two days ago he signed an executive order to ban people from seven majority Muslim countries from entering our own. While Donald Trump may think he has “logical” reasons for this ban, we here at the Inner Loop believe that there are much more significant things he could have banned instead of Muslims.
- My Ex-Wife-I mean seriously, this one is a no brainer. She’s a horrible human being who destroyed my heart and took my dog with her as well. If anyone deserves to be banned into the outer circles of hell, it is this woman. Also, side-note, she could have totally been a terrorist. I’m not trying to be judgmental, but she was a big fan of Indian food, suspicious? You betcha.
- Toaster Strudel- What the fuck is this thing? It’s not a pop tart, which has clearly cornered the market on chemically induced breakfast foods. Plus you have to drizzle your own fucking frosting on it? Nonsense, this thing is setting our country to terror code red in my opinion.
- Nicolas Cage– Nicolas Cage at one point was considered an A list actor. Not anymore, so why do I have scroll through my Netflix browser and see his horribly depressing straight to DVD movies? Super un-American and it just kind of kills my vibe. We can remember Nicolas Cage during the days of “Face-off” and yes even “National Treasure”, his time has passed and we need to let him die.
- Commercials on Hulu- This is an atrocity to the American Spirit, you’re telling me that I have to pay $9.99 a month for this shit and I still get commercials?! Then I have to pay an extra five bucks a month for a commercial free Hulu? Terrorism at its finest, people. Open your eyes.
- Himself- Yup, Donald Trump should ban himself for being the most ignorant, hate mongering, pathetic loser this country has ever voted into office. He represents everything wrong with the government and humanity itself. I hope this guy has a Willy Wonka elevator in his office and just gets in one day and ejects himself into the fucking sun.
“The Inner Loop is a non-biased association”
Rochester, NY-The Mayor has announced today that the city of Rochester has finally made the decision on who would be the city’s first stepdad. At first, many of the cities various used car dealers stood out among the crowd. But only one won the hearts and minds of their step-child city.
Rochester, meet your new step-dad: Dan Edwards
Dan Edwards of the Vision Automotive group was selected out of thousands of individuals for his passions, his determination, and the fact that we could totally see him giving us the finger guns after plowing our mom.
Other strong contenders were Dick Ide of the Dick Ide Honda group, who told the judges about his motorcycle and how he was in a gang “back in the old days”, and Billy Fuccillo, of Fuccillo Automotive Group, who gave the judges some of his vintage skin mags and took them to an R-rated movie.
But it was Dan Edwards who really wowed the crowds. After he showed off his vintage Les Paul guitar, he shredded out to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight this Feeling” even though the amp wasn’t working. Then let the judges have some of his beer,
“Don’t worry,” He said, guitar still just barely plugged into the amp, “I won’t tell your mom.”
Dan Edwards is now an immortal symbol of hitting on your step son’s prom date, teaching us how to “really lay the love on a woman”, and selling used cars. His Bon Jovi good looks and use of the word “Bangin'” when referring to your mom is exactly what Rochester needed in it’s official step-dad.
Thank you, Dan Edwards, for proudly serving your city.
ROCHESTER, NY– Hand-in-hand with the great tradition of voting this country has been the great tradition of Local News stations finding and reporting on the longest lines to vote. “Because, you know, news and shit” says local news producer Jen Johnson.
Rochester polling station prepared as best they could for the record numbers of registered voters and first time voters casting their ballots in this election, and it turns out, they did a pretty great job!
“We looked all over the place and couldn’t find a single file line anywhere in Rochester. We started to get worried that we might actually have to cover something news worthy. But it was right when we lost hope that we drove past Highland Park” said Johnson.
Unfortunately for the News Team, it turns out this line in Highland Park was not for the polling station nearby but still a residual line of people waiting for their kettle corn from the Lilac Festival.
“Please kill me. I have been waiting here since May 21st. I am so hungry. Why does it take so long to stir popcorn in liquid diabetes?” said Tom Bosstone, 24, who looked particularly gnarly.
When asked who he was voting for Tom simple said “Please just kill me. For the love of god. Also, probably Trump.”