Americans wait patiently in anticipation of stories of people going blind from the eclipse

Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.

“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”

Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.

It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.

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City of Rochester asks FEMA for emergency airdrop of 10 tons of Ibuprofen for bros still hungover from Park Ave Fest.

Rochester,NY- Now that the annual Park Avenue Festival has come to a close, The City of Rochester has found itself in a state of emergency as thousands of dudes and bros have found themselves still hungover from the weekend’s festivities.

The city has requested that FEMA airdrop 10 tons of Ibuprofen into the heart of downtown Rochester and are asking fellow citizens to donate Gatorade and hashbrowns to local shelters.

Rochester police have also been trained on how to administer Alka-Seltzer to victims in need.

Breaking News! Judge Astocia Actually Hiding Inside Of Genesee Brewery Tanks All Along!

Rochester,NY-  The city of Rochester was thrown for a loop when it was just announced that Judge Astocia  has fled from Rochester to live in Thailand for the next three months. The Inner loop is glad to be the first to report that Judge Astocia is actually still in the city of Rochester! She has been hiding right under our nose this entire time! It was in fact a body double that we saw in those pictures in Thailand! The Inner Loop was able to gain an exclusive interview with Judge Astocia inside of her “Safe place” as she referred to it! This is what she had to say.

” I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, the double life. Living by day as a Judge, condemning people based on their actions and then being a reckless alcoholic by Day/evening/night. I knew that this lie was going on too long. So I finally decided to live where I’m most wanted. Inside an arid, dark tank filled with beer that is only above average. This is my new home and I hope the people of Rochester can forgive me for my crimes against them. I will still be collecting my full salary while inside of this tank, just so everyone knows I’m safe. I have just the grub-hub app downloaded on my phone and that should pretty much be all I need for the rest of my life.”

Post DUI Disbarment, ROC Judge Astacio Excited To Start New Career As Uber Driver

Rochester,NY- Judge Astacio was convicted of drunken driving back in August of 2016. Since then she has pleaded guilty to violating her conditional discharge amongst other fantastic stories including a situation where she was nearly pepper sprayed in the bathroom of the Papaya Asian Kitchen and Bar at Marketplace Mall.

While Astacio has been stripped of all her judicial duties and barred from non-public areas of the courthouse, she still currently holds the title of an elected judge and collects an annual salary of $173,700.

Just FYI, all of the proceeding will be made up, but everything stated above is legit true. Imagine getting essentially fired but still getting $173,700 a year, and you spend your free time vacationing and getting drunk at the mall? Did you go to law-school or get a degree in How To Be A Step Dad? It makes you wonder how good the food is at that Papaya Asian Kitchen that literally no one else in Rochester goes to.

Anyways… back to the fake news.
With Uber finally coming to Rochester in July, Judge Astacio has a chance to switch careers, and give back to the community that gave her a  $173,700 salary to drive drunk and pick fights in bathrooms.

“I mean I would be really uncomfortable being picked up by a lady who has driven drunk multiple times, but anything is better than the taxi’s in this city” says Alex Werthering of Rochester.

When we reached out to Uber, their Public Relations representative Todd Shalten told us “we have no idea how she got past our criminal background check. I promise she won’t be an Uber driver.”

Rochester’s Revolving Restaurant To Be Replaced With A Fidget Spinner

Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.

“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”

The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”

The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?

 

 

Rat leader to give empowering speech of systematic takedown of Chinese restaurants

Rochester, NY- Two beloved local Chinese restaurants have shut down within the past week. Rochester locals are stunned and quite frankly, grossed out. The restaurants were both shut down due to a rodent infestation.  Sources have confirmed that the local rodent gang leader of the gang known as the “Rochester Ratz Association” is poised to give an empowering speech thanking his brethren rodents about the success of shutting down the two restaurants. We spoke with the leader to get a sense of what his speech is going to entail.

” You know I was starting to lose hope, we’ve been having daily operations going at Chen garden and The Honk Kong house for the past seven years straight. I mean you would have thought they would have been shut down by now. I remember poor Charlie was in a high stakes operation back in 2012 at Chen, the inspector was in the kitchen and we sent Charlie to run along the countertop, right when he was about to be noticed one of the cooks threw him into a stir-fry. May his death not be in vain anymore.”

We asked the gang what are there next targets and they said they are going for “Yummy Garden” and pretty much every Papa Johns ever in the Irondequoit area.

 

 

Lone Black Guy In St Patrick’s Day Parade To Be Awarded For His Bravery

Rochester,NY- It’s that time of the year again, where we forget that the Irish people have a rich history of amazing accomplishments and just dumb them down to a mental illness that has plagued their families for generations on end,”alcoholism”. Yet, this is not the topic of this article today. Today we are here to honor the one lone black man in the St. Patrick’s day parade, this man remained unnamed, yet is a hero in everyone’s book. Here at the Inner Loop, we have written a letter to his strange black man, who dares defy the odds.

Dear Lone Black Man,

We don’t know how you got there and quite honestly, we do not care. We only want you to know that from here on out, you are to be considered a hero among us peasants, where we could not in a million years imagine putting ourselves in your position, we look at you as a mythical being, transcending even time and space, better than the astronauts, better than the scientist who cure diseases. You dare to put yourself in a crowd of drunken angry irish white people, who to be quite honest, are probably fifty percent cops. You walk among them, like a sheep among wolves waiting to be devoured. You sir are one of a kind. We salute you, walk down that street filled with the false idols of floats and the irish dancers confined to the same rhythm of life. You have your own rhythm, no one will ever be able to touch it. Thank you sir, we thought heroes were a thing of the past. Yet we are all in awe of your greatness. A thousand fortunes and blessings upon your family sir. 

Sincerely, The Inner Loop