Medley Centre Owner Announces Plan For Future: “Two words: Sarlacc Pit”

Rochester,NY- Say goodbye to the Medley Centre and say hello to Rochester’s first ever “Sarlacc Pit.”

At a special press conference this afternoon the new owner of the Medley Centre announced the plans for the future of the ghost invested former commerce center.

“It’s a real pity that Irondequoit has been home to this eyesore for so long. There has always been something sar-lacking if you catch my drift. I’m talking about a mother-fugging Sarlacc Pit my dudes!”

The former mall has laid dormant since 2009 when the last tenants left the site. The property, and nine adjoining parcels, for $100,000 at a 2016 auction by a self-described “Star Wars Fanatic.”

“I figure this will put Rochester on the map. This will be the first Sarlacc Pit on Earth! We could throw so much garbage in there come on!”

We reached out to Irondequoit Mayors who sent us this note:

Literally anything would be better looking than the mess that is the medley centre. Even

a giant Star Wars sand butt-hole with teeth.

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Park Avenue Festival Almost Invaded By Puertorican Festival Or By Minorities In General!

Rochester, NY-  The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!

” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”

David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.”  To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.

“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”

 Yup. That pretty much sums it up.

*Editors Note*

Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.

Irondequoit Preparing For Tornado For Years By Always Looking Like Shit

Rochester,NY-  News has just spread that a potential tornado could be headed into the Rochester area. Many are seeking shelter, going to Wegmans to prepare for the inevitable power outage. Many towns are taking action, closing off the streets, making sure that they can minimize damage. Yet one town has already been taking action, Irondequoit has known for years of the tornado about to touchdown and has made sure that their town has always looked like a tornado hit it. We spoke with the town supervisor to see how it feels to be ahead of the game.

” You know, Irondequoit usually doesn’t do many things right, but I really think we’ve nailed it. Finally after so many years of people doubting our intentions and thinking we were crazy and a tornado was never coming, we know now that our intentions were pure and the non-believers will now bow down to us in awe of our amazing ability to predict the future! Also, we can’t really afford any sort of clean up crew, so that also helps with this situation.”

South Wedge Easter Egg Hunt Took A Terrible Turn When All The Eggs Hatched In Unison.

 

Rochester,NY- “We wanted our kids to have fun for Easter but also use this as a teaching moment about animal cruelty and the disgusting practice of factory farming” said Dawson Kreek father of Egg Hunters Bracken, Auden, and Fenton. “But then the eggs starting hatching and we, pardon the pun, all have egg on our face. Our children think we’re monsters.”

 

It wasn’t too soon after the official egg hunt whistle blew that all of the slightly hidden easter eggs started hatching. Soon the streets of the South Wedge were filled with new-born chicks. But since the eggs had been half boiled and dyed per the Easter tradition, the majority of chicks were born heavily deformed and dyed bright colors.

 

The South Wedge Family Counseling Service has made themselves available for any child suffering from PTCD (post traumatic chick dysmorphia).

5 Signs You’re listening To 98.9 The Buzz Morning Show

Rochester,NY- It’s the crack of dawn, you’re getting into your morning routine. You grab some breakfast,  you wait in the Dunkin donuts drive thru. It’s a good morning, yet something happens. You turn on your radio just hoping to maybe dial in to a throwback 80’s tune or maybe some of that new age rock stuff your kids tell you about. You hear voices, you start to cringe, your hands start to shake. What am I listening to and will it ever stop? Chances are you’re listening to the Buzz Morning Show. Just to be sure you’re not going crazy, here at the Inner Loop, we have crafted a list of five signs you are listening to the Buzz Morning show so you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.

 

1) Your Ears Start To Bleed- As you’re listening to Chris Konya try to describe what he ate this past weekend, you can’t help but notice the slow drips of blood streaming out of your ears, you feel trapped. You dont want to listen, but yet you can’t dare change the station.

2) Scott Spezzano Mentions He’s Old Every Twenty Minutes- If Scott’s not promoting some event where you pet puppies or shave your head, he is definitely going to be talking about how old he’s getting, or his kids, or how he’s getting old and old. Why are we still listening?

3) Chris Konya Will Talk About “This Is Us”- Usually about five minutes into the program Chris will start asking you if you cried at the last episode of This Is Us, which you have no idea what the fuck that show is and why you should care?

4) Chris Konya Will Start Taking Calls To Talk About “This is Us”- Did we mention Chris loves “This Is Us”. Now he’ll start taking callers opinions about the episode the night before or how “relatable” the show is. Yet again, we know this is supposed to be a local radio show, but it seems Chris Konya has a massive erection for “This Is Us”.

5) Chris Konya Still Won’t Shut The Fuck Up About “This Is Us”- I know, I know. When will they start playing mediocre music and just shut up about this show already. At this point we recommend you just let go of your steering wheel and let the lord above take you off the road as you listen to Chris Konya breakdown each episode of “This Is Us’ in painstaking detail that makes you wonder if God does exist and when will he strike down the Buzz Morning Show.

 

Greece Man Taking Full Advantage of Facebook Invites To: “Stay At My Place If You Don’t Have Power”

Significant portions of the town of Greece were hit hard by Great Wind Storm of 2017 leaving people without power and heat, roads blocked by trees and power lines, and forcing a State of Emergency.

Several people took to social media to offer their homes as safe-havens to family and friends that were living in harsh conditions. Johnny Freedbley was one of those people posting on his facebook page: “If you need a place to stay come on over to my house. I have heat, WiFi, food, and plenty of blankets!”

“Well I was just trying to be nice” Mr. Freedbley told The Inner Loop. “Honestly I was hoping a hot chick would take me up on this but instead it was just Todd.”

The Todd he is talking about is his High School acquaintance Todd Gerkin. “We never really hung out in high school, or college, or any time really, but my power went out and I needed a place to hang. I saw his message on Facebook and I was like sick, this dude has a decent spread, let me get in there.”

Todd has made himself at home according to Johnny. “He doesn’t have a job, he just is in my house all day now. He has ate most of my food, he drank all my beer the first night he crashed. I don’t know what to do!”

The Inner Loop did some investigating on the RG&E website after learning Todd’s address. There is no record of him losing power.

 

Rochester To Return To Normal State Of Chaos, Instead Of Windy State Of Chaos

Rochester, NY- A storm like no other came through Rochester last week. Trees crashed on top of cars, power lines were going down left and right. Chaos ran the streets of Rochester. The 81 miles per hour wind came in and nearly decimated our beautiful city. Luckily, this has passed. As it stands now most of Rochester has power and everything has now returned to its normal state of chaos. We spoke with a local resident to see how he’s handling the nice return to Rochester’s perpetual normal state of chaos.

” I’m so grateful for those winds to finally have calmed down, I’ll tell yah it was getting pretty scary. Now I can walk down the streets without the fear of a tree falling on me and just get back to avoiding eye contact with the uncomfortable amount of homeless people on the streets. I saw an entire roof get blown off during the storm, scary stuff. It’s nice to just go back to being racially profiled on a regular Rochester afternoon.”