“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

5 Residents Dead After Mistaking Food Truck Rodeo For Actual Rodeo

Rochester, NY-  Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo.  Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around.  Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns.  Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.

Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties:  Wren Staar and Felix Rolins.  The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful.  “It just seemed so natural, you know?  So serene.”  recalled Onyx.  ”  I wish I could have been a part of it, actually.  Could you imagine going out like that?  It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”

A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost.  The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.

Park Ave Festival To Be Replace By Middle Aged White Guy Mansplaining Equality

Rochester,NY- In a shocking turn of events, it seems that the city officials have cancelled the Park Avenue festival and have now turned to a different theme all together. Instead of the usual food trucks, unique accessories and just overall drunkenness, it will just be a lone middle aged white guy by the name of Chad who will be walking up and down all of Park Avenue mansplaining equality to everybody who walks by. We spoke with Chad to see how he’s handling this responsibility.

” When I was first approached about this job, I was skeptical, I mean could I, a simple middle-aged white guy , replace a festival of drunk white people eating pizza out of a food truck and considering it cultured, then I thought back to my nice ancestral white roots and realized I can damn near do anything I want. Plus equality is an important topic to me, white people have it just as hard as any other race out there. Sometimes due to my genetics I can’t be outside on sunny days without sun tan lotion, I mean talk about having it rough.

If you want to hear chad mansplaining this weekend, just look for the guy wearing a rusted root t-shirt and wearing sandals that are one size too big for him.

 

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull shit on his car every fucking day.

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.

RIT Trying To Collect $100,000 In Student Loans From Bear Trapped In Tree

Rochester,NY- “Black Bears are known to be the friendliest of all bears but apparently they’re the also the biggest dead beats of the Ursidae family” says RIT’s Senior Student Services Counselor Dim Kavis.

In June of 2016, a young black bear climbed up a tree on the Rochester Institute of Technology campus, was shot with a sedative, successfully taken down, and released away from harm.

But after the bear was released, Dim Kavis noticed that an undergrad student named “Grizz Lee Bare” also mysteriously disappeared the same day.

“After tracking down some surveillance cam footage, I was able to determine that the Black Bear had actually been attending classes under this assumed identity.”

“It was clearly a bear but no one on campus wanted to call him out since they did not want to offend him just in case he actually turned out to be a slightly-hairier Armenian guy” says Mrs. Kavis.

The bear might have flown under the radar by living in one of the larger trees on the RIT campus that the school graciously provides to Foreign Students at rate of only $39,506 per year to rent.

Unfortunately, after a night of hard drinking, the bear made the classic undergrad mistake of passing out in the wrong dorm tree.

RIT is now trying to track down the bear to pay for it’s tuition, room and board, as well as a penalty for not getting a parking pass since the tree the bear was found in was located in the F Lot.

24 Year Old Liberal Arts Major Can’t Wait To Start Promising Career At Paychex

Rochester,NY-  Brendan Stanz just graduated from MCC and is looking forward to using his liberal arts degree for everything its worth. He sat down at his local coffee-house and wrote out his five-year plan, he’s been waiting for this day his entire life. We were able to get an exclusive interview with Brendan, this is what he had to say about his life.

” I can’t believe I made it this far, I’m so excited. I’ll be the hundredth person or so in family to acquire a liberal arts degree, it’s nice to keep mediocrity running in the family. I figured for the first three years after college, I can get a job at a local Starbucks, spend most of my nights getting high and having emotionless sex with some of my co-workers. From that point on I’ll dive into a deep depression realizing I have no drive and my education was a waste. Then I figure around the fourth of fifth year, my dad will keep sending my job links to paychex, I’ll cave in eventually and stop smoking pot, get a steady 9- 5 while slowly watching my dreams fade away! Super excited!”

Suspicions confirmed: Commuter learns traffic has been fucking kidding him all along.

Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being fucking kidding him this whole time.

“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.

“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me?”

“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”

We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.