Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That fucking pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again
- The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
- The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
- That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
- Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a fucking half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
- You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. Fuck your life.
Rochester, NY- The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!
” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”
David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.” To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.
“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”
Yup. That pretty much sums it up.
Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.
Rochester,NY- Judge Astacio was convicted of drunken driving back in August of 2016. Since then she has pleaded guilty to violating her conditional discharge amongst other fantastic stories including a situation where she was nearly pepper sprayed in the bathroom of the Papaya Asian Kitchen and Bar at Marketplace Mall.
While Astacio has been stripped of all her judicial duties and barred from non-public areas of the courthouse, she still currently holds the title of an elected judge and collects an annual salary of $173,700.
Just FYI, all of the proceeding will be made up, but everything stated above is legit true. Imagine getting essentially fired but still getting $173,700 a year, and you spend your free time vacationing and getting drunk at the mall? Did you go to law-school or get a degree in How To Be A Step Dad? It makes you wonder how good the food is at that Papaya Asian Kitchen that literally no one else in Rochester goes to.
Anyways… back to the fake news.
With Uber finally coming to Rochester in July, Judge Astacio has a chance to switch careers, and give back to the community that gave her a $173,700 salary to drive drunk and pick fights in bathrooms.
“I mean I would be really uncomfortable being picked up by a lady who has driven drunk multiple times, but anything is better than the taxi’s in this city” says Alex Werthering of Rochester.
When we reached out to Uber, their Public Relations representative Todd Shalten told us “we have no idea how she got past our criminal background check. I promise she won’t be an Uber driver.”
Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.
“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”
The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”
The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?
Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”. David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.
” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”
David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.
Rochester,NY- “We wanted our kids to have fun for Easter but also use this as a teaching moment about animal cruelty and the disgusting practice of factory farming” said Dawson Kreek father of Egg Hunters Bracken, Auden, and Fenton. “But then the eggs starting hatching and we, pardon the pun, all have egg on our face. Our children think we’re monsters.”
It wasn’t too soon after the official egg hunt whistle blew that all of the slightly hidden easter eggs started hatching. Soon the streets of the South Wedge were filled with new-born chicks. But since the eggs had been half boiled and dyed per the Easter tradition, the majority of chicks were born heavily deformed and dyed bright colors.
The South Wedge Family Counseling Service has made themselves available for any child suffering from PTCD (post traumatic chick dysmorphia).
Rochester, NY- Panic struck a family friendly event today. At the annual Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt, a child found an apparently used hypodermic needle in the sand. A story that normally would shock most has had a bit of a strange reaction from the public. Mayor of Charlotte Beach (as decided by his dominate number of check-ins on Foursquare), Scott Herman, commented on the story, saying “that’s not even close to the worse thing we have found.”
In years past the Easter Egg Hunt has been a family friendly event but each year it is ruined by the discovery of some sort of contraband. “Nothing was worse than the 2008 hunt,” said Foursquare Mayor Herman. “That was the year we found all that evidence from the Alphabet Killings.” Some of the other things included in their findings over the years include; a disposable Kodak camera with tasteful nudes of former Mayor Bob Duffy on it, a human hand holding a knife and two people having sex dressed as Red Wing’s mascots Spikes and Mittsy.
The police are still trying to figure out whether or not the child who found the needle didn’t plant it there himself. Law enforcement officials say, “Kids of all ages are getting into smack now a days, that kid could have just gotten all juiced up and stashed it to hide the evidence.
Mayor Herman tells us that he hopes the findings don’t deter people from participating for years to come. “That is the fun of an Easter Egg Hunt. You never know what you’re going to find!” says Herman. “It’s like searching for a piece of history!”