Alcoholic dads claim getting drunk on a Tuesday is appropriating their culture

As people prepare to celebrate Mardi Gras on Tuesday, alcoholic fathers nationwide have spoken out against what they claim is cultural appropriation of their time honored tradition of getting blackout drunk on a Tuesday.

“My people have been carrying on the sacred tradition of getting shithammered on weekdays for centuries, you can’t take this from us.” Said 55 year old father of 3 Barry Goldstone as he spilled what was left of his Natty Daddy, most of which was certainly backwash on his “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” novelty t-shirt.

A rally was held by alcoholic dads in the heart of New Orleans at 5pm Tuesday to protest Mardi Gras, sadly only 3 fathers attended as the rest of the group fell asleep on the couch watching a MASH rerun and slept through the event.

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Where did they get all these pictures of me crying for this Rorschach Test?

No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)

If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!

KodakCoin Offering Laid-Off Workers Rare Second Chance to Lose Everything

ROCHESTER, NY – KodakCoin, Kashminers, Blockchain, Cryptocurrency, are just a few of the words being thrown around Rochester this week after one of the cities namesake companies announced they were creating their own bitcoin.

“I have no idea what bitcoin is but I heard it gets you rich, so I am going all-in,” said Bob Lewis, a former Kodak employee who was laid-off in the late 90s.

Mr. Lewis is just one of the many former Kodak employees hoping to cash in on the film companies announcement that has made their stocks nearly triple.

“When they laid me off, I lost everything, but there is no way this can happen again right? They say lightning doesn’t strike twice so there’s no way bankruptcy can strike twice too right!” said the laid-off Kodak worker. He’s planning to remortgage his house to pay for the rental fees required to use the Kodak Kashminer to mine Kodakcoin.

A decision that is both confusing and in no way will ever actually work.

We asked our youngest Innerloop employee what the fuck bitcoin is, and how it works, and she told us “please stop assuming because I am young that I understand any new technology thing.”

Americans wait patiently in anticipation of stories of people going blind from the eclipse

Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.

“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”

Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.

It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.

Local Graffiti Artists Angered Over Banksy Mural

Rochester, NY – This past week, British graffiti artist known as “Banksy” debuted new artwork, which is being described as “visual poetry,” alongside the traffic wall on 490 eastbound heading into the city. Townsfolk, city officials, and even local law enforcement are amazed by the heartwarming message and spray quality. Despite the rejoicing, local graffiti artists are petitioning to have the art be removed post haste.

I have spent my whole life here in Rochester putting up my sub-par mushroom art. We don’t need someone like that coming in spraying up our turf. 
Fran Larceny [Hair Stylist-Alchemist]

I don’t know who this dude thinks he is but he doesn’t have the right to come to my Flower City and put up his bullshit. I’ve worked too long and hard to let this city know I don’t drink or do drugs.
Straight-edge Sledge Peterson [Guitar pedal repairman]

Banksy was in town for an annual graffiti conference at the Rochester Riverside Convention Center that took place over this past weekend. Many artists were outside the center protesting and the situation has gotten so serious that protesters are suggesting Mr. Banksy be extradited immediately.

Strumpet boy better make his way back to the UK. Letting the world know that Eric is gay and Christina is a whore is the only message that needs to be displayed here.
Rian Bruwski [recently single Rochester native]

Despite the limited criticism of the magnanimous mural, random acts of kindness have been reported all throughout the city within days after the art debuted. Many city residents believe the mural is opening eyes to current inequalities and causing a contagious human harmony, similar to the music of the fictional band Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989).

I don’t really see what’s so special about it. It’s just a boring picture, in my opinion. I mean I could be biased, I believe in showcasing strange lines and shapes that are supposed to be interpreted as letters. Like cursive but worse and more useless.
Kwivver [????]

The protesters currently are still occupying the general area of the convention and have refused to move until the mural is pressure washed from existence. Local businesses are becoming concerned with the pungent body odor in the air and the tiny shanties beginning to emerge.

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