Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.
“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”
Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.
It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.
Rochester,NY- A shocking new study is taking the nation by storm, scientist have now discovered that fried dough is definitely the number one reason you’re a fat single piece of shit. It has taken the number one spot away from being ” You have a horrible personality”. We we’re able to speak Tricia Berman, one of the scientist who helped discover this major breakthrough. This what she had to say.
” After years of researching and failed studies after failed studies, It was so nice to finally uncover the truth to this mystery for so long, so many people out there are fat single pieces of shit, but no one knew exactly why! Sure we had our theories, there was the mountain dew theory, the tiny penis syndrome theory. Yet nothing was quite as clear as eating excessive amounts of fried dough definitely being the reason most americans are fat single pieces of shit. I can finally rest easy at night knowing that americans have finally learned the truth about their terrible fate.”
Tricia spoke with us and let us know her team is working hard on their next study of “Are people who argue about politics actually making any difference?”
Rochester, NY- The Park Avenue festival is a thing of beauty! It’s a time where we can all reflect and watch as a rather normal group of human beings completely devolve into nothing but sacks of flesh meat that only crave beer and pussy. As the park avenue festival delved later into the night the parties began to rise. One thing is for sure, the park ave festival knows how to keep things nice and white! Yet, that was almost interrupted by the ever evolving Puertorican festival! We had our people on the scene to see how the two worlds almost collided! We spoke with David Lyndon to get the full story!
” It was a real scary scene, me and my boys were just on our third beer pong game because that slut Stacy broke our homemade corn hole set after two gin and tonics, it’s alright though my boy Tom smashed that shit awhile back. Anyways, I was about to head into the house and then I saw this car go by and at first I for sure thought it was the american flag, but then I realized the american flag has more than one star! It was the puertorican flag! I mean what were they doing our neighborhood! Havent they ever seen West side story or world war 2 pictures? They were asking for trouble! Luckily, they ended up turning around because some local cops starting shooting at them, thank god for the police!”
David at that point took out a gun and started firing into the air screaming “Hail Donald trump, long live the never-ending reign of the white man.” To get a different perspective on this scene, we spoke with Miguel Rodriguez a local puertorican resident to see how he felt about the park ave festival.
“Park ave festival? Is that when white people walk around and pretend there happy because they bought some over priced “hand-made” adventure time scarf?”
Yup. That pretty much sums it up.
Miguel Rodriguez was quickly brought to justice by the RPD and three random black men and four random black women, all of them which we assure you, deserved to be shot and or arrested.
Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”. David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.
” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”
David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.
Rochester,NY- “We wanted our kids to have fun for Easter but also use this as a teaching moment about animal cruelty and the disgusting practice of factory farming” said Dawson Kreek father of Egg Hunters Bracken, Auden, and Fenton. “But then the eggs starting hatching and we, pardon the pun, all have egg on our face. Our children think we’re monsters.”
It wasn’t too soon after the official egg hunt whistle blew that all of the slightly hidden easter eggs started hatching. Soon the streets of the South Wedge were filled with new-born chicks. But since the eggs had been half boiled and dyed per the Easter tradition, the majority of chicks were born heavily deformed and dyed bright colors.
The South Wedge Family Counseling Service has made themselves available for any child suffering from PTCD (post traumatic chick dysmorphia).
Rochester, NY- Panic struck a family friendly event today. At the annual Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt, a child found an apparently used hypodermic needle in the sand. A story that normally would shock most has had a bit of a strange reaction from the public. Mayor of Charlotte Beach (as decided by his dominate number of check-ins on Foursquare), Scott Herman, commented on the story, saying “that’s not even close to the worse thing we have found.”
In years past the Easter Egg Hunt has been a family friendly event but each year it is ruined by the discovery of some sort of contraband. “Nothing was worse than the 2008 hunt,” said Foursquare Mayor Herman. “That was the year we found all that evidence from the Alphabet Killings.” Some of the other things included in their findings over the years include; a disposable Kodak camera with tasteful nudes of former Mayor Bob Duffy on it, a human hand holding a knife and two people having sex dressed as Red Wing’s mascots Spikes and Mittsy.
The police are still trying to figure out whether or not the child who found the needle didn’t plant it there himself. Law enforcement officials say, “Kids of all ages are getting into smack now a days, that kid could have just gotten all juiced up and stashed it to hide the evidence.
Mayor Herman tells us that he hopes the findings don’t deter people from participating for years to come. “That is the fun of an Easter Egg Hunt. You never know what you’re going to find!” says Herman. “It’s like searching for a piece of history!”
New York, NY- While it was a nightmare week for the United Airlines Public Relations team, their financial team is celebrating after somehow their stock just has risen from the dead.
“It truly goes to show that even if your CEO straight up defends beating up old Chinese dudes, things can return to normal” says United Junior Account Manager Brian McGorgmult. “The public truly has no attention span. They make their memes for a few days, get bored, and move onto something else. I hate to say it but I think Charlie Murphy dying is the best thing that has ever happened to our company.”
It’s truly a miracle that a the company could see a boost in trading on Wall Street after such a tumultuous week. Shares of United fell as much as 6.3% in pre-market trading, and dropped $1.4 billion from the now $21 billion company by market cap.
We asked our financial expert at The Inner Loop what this all means and he said: “Stop calling me Shane. I am your fathers accountant. You have no money. Why are you doing a blog for free? Are you an idiot?”