Easter Miracle: After 3 days down, United Airlines stock Rises again

New York, NY- While it was a nightmare week for the United Airlines Public Relations team, their financial team is celebrating after somehow their stock just has risen from the dead.

“It truly goes to show that even if your CEO straight up defends beating up old Chinese dudes, things can return to normal” says United Junior Account Manager Brian McGorgmult. “The public truly has no attention span. They make their memes for a few days, get bored, and move onto something else. I hate to say it but I think Charlie Murphy dying is the best thing that has ever happened to our company.”

It’s truly a miracle that a the company could see a boost in trading on Wall Street after such a tumultuous week. Shares of United fell as much as 6.3% in pre-market trading, and dropped $1.4 billion from the now $21 billion company by market cap.

We asked our financial expert at The Inner Loop what this all means and he said: “Stop calling me Shane. I am your fathers accountant. You have no money. Why are you doing a blog for free? Are you an idiot?”

 

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Rochester Airport Employees To Start Sucker Punching Passengers At Will

Rochester,NY- Due to the now nationally known incident at United Airlines, Rochester Airport has now decided to jump on the bandwagon and has given their employees full permission to sucker punch any person on an airplane for no reason whatsoever. This decision was made to really let people know that the Rochester airport is not just some “safe place” where nothing really happens and just kind of lame. This is a new campaign to show the Rochester airport can be dangerous and news worthy! We spoke with Adrian Schultz a flight attendant for the Rochester airport for over twenty years to see how she’s taking the news.

” When it was first announced, I was skeptical, but now I feel so empowered! The other day this older man was just asking me if we had sparkling water and I hit him so hard in the mouth he swallowed his dentures! Who knew punching complete strangers could be so freeing! I love sneaking up on people who are trying to nap and punching them right in their naive little ears. I heard we get a nice little bonus if it’s a person of color! I love working here!”

Rochester airport has declined to respond if they are offering a christmas bonus for yelling the most racial slurs while passengers are boarding their flight.