“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

5 Residents Dead After Mistaking Food Truck Rodeo For Actual Rodeo

Rochester, NY-  Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo.  Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around.  Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns.  Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.

Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties:  Wren Staar and Felix Rolins.  The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful.  “It just seemed so natural, you know?  So serene.”  recalled Onyx.  ”  I wish I could have been a part of it, actually.  Could you imagine going out like that?  It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”

A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost.  The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull shit on his car every fucking day.

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.

24 Year Old Liberal Arts Major Can’t Wait To Start Promising Career At Paychex

Rochester,NY-  Brendan Stanz just graduated from MCC and is looking forward to using his liberal arts degree for everything its worth. He sat down at his local coffee-house and wrote out his five-year plan, he’s been waiting for this day his entire life. We were able to get an exclusive interview with Brendan, this is what he had to say about his life.

” I can’t believe I made it this far, I’m so excited. I’ll be the hundredth person or so in family to acquire a liberal arts degree, it’s nice to keep mediocrity running in the family. I figured for the first three years after college, I can get a job at a local Starbucks, spend most of my nights getting high and having emotionless sex with some of my co-workers. From that point on I’ll dive into a deep depression realizing I have no drive and my education was a waste. Then I figure around the fourth of fifth year, my dad will keep sending my job links to paychex, I’ll cave in eventually and stop smoking pot, get a steady 9- 5 while slowly watching my dreams fade away! Super excited!”

Post DUI Disbarment, ROC Judge Astacio Excited To Start New Career As Uber Driver

Rochester,NY- Judge Astacio was convicted of drunken driving back in August of 2016. Since then she has pleaded guilty to violating her conditional discharge amongst other fantastic stories including a situation where she was nearly pepper sprayed in the bathroom of the Papaya Asian Kitchen and Bar at Marketplace Mall.

While Astacio has been stripped of all her judicial duties and barred from non-public areas of the courthouse, she still currently holds the title of an elected judge and collects an annual salary of $173,700.

Just FYI, all of the proceeding will be made up, but everything stated above is legit true. Imagine getting essentially fired but still getting $173,700 a year, and you spend your free time vacationing and getting drunk at the mall? Did you go to law-school or get a degree in How To Be A Step Dad? It makes you wonder how good the food is at that Papaya Asian Kitchen that literally no one else in Rochester goes to.

Anyways… back to the fake news.
With Uber finally coming to Rochester in July, Judge Astacio has a chance to switch careers, and give back to the community that gave her a  $173,700 salary to drive drunk and pick fights in bathrooms.

“I mean I would be really uncomfortable being picked up by a lady who has driven drunk multiple times, but anything is better than the taxi’s in this city” says Alex Werthering of Rochester.

When we reached out to Uber, their Public Relations representative Todd Shalten told us “we have no idea how she got past our criminal background check. I promise she won’t be an Uber driver.”